What would you do?

Question

OK here goes...Picture the scene Mum,Dad, son and daughter.
Mum had a baby in between son and daughter, but lost it. Then preferred son because son replaced the lost baby. Mum told daughter this at the age of 18. Mum never cuddled daughter or showed affection from the age of 2. When daughter grew up never showed any interest in her, never had anything to do with her wedding, never sent a gift or card at Christmas time or birthdays. Never had anything to do with her grandchildren. Never came to see her in hospital when ill.

Daughter contacted her a few years ago but wasn't even mentioned in the address book, just initials, gifts given were broken, second hand or unwanted. Mum has more to do with the daughter in law and niece than own daughter. Daughter keeps getting called nieces name. Brother never invited sisterer to wedding. I could go on but you get the picture.

The problem is Mum is now 72 and ill. That is the body not the mind. What would you do

Daughter has always contacted the Mum...never been the other way round..Daughter wrote a letter a month ago telling her how she felt but got no reply.

Big hugs to all of you kind enough to give me your opinion.

Answer 1

Listen, no-one forgets their childhood, your mother made it her business to make sure you had a miserable one. That is one thing which is unforgivable, You have done enough to make it clear you still want to be involved in her life and it's been thrown back in your face.

Shame on your brother (nasty, spoiled, lily-livered mummies boy). for joining in. There are plenty of people who have grown up to be fine and loving and successful without a family.

You have your own family now. Fill your house with love, laughter, encouragement and plenty of cuddles. Cut off contact with mother and brother, you are flogging a dead horse. When you move again don't leave a forwarding address. Your mother has no excuse for her behaviour.

Answer 2

Tricky. Does the daughter have any feelings at all for the mother? If not then I would suggest she stays away for her own peace of mind. If there are still feelings, and she has a strong enough character to deal with the possibility of further rejection, then maybe she should visit. The mother has behaved in a disgraceful manner that I personally could never imagine. The daughter (I assume it's you) sounds as though she has much more compassion for her mother than the woman deserves, or else you would not be asking the question in the first place. I think you need to ask yourself whether a) can you live with yourself if you don't see her? b) can you live with yourself if you don't? I wish you the very best of luck whatever you decide. You deserve so much better.

Answer 3

"Two wrongs do not make a right!" Obviously, you have a conscious. And I am pretty sure you know what you should do, but trying to justify why you don't want to do it. When we are before God, he is not going to take any-ones actions into consideration but our 'own'. I "KNOW" how you feel. It hurts to the bone this kind of pain. You probably spend a lot of time, wondering why she would do this to you. And there is no answer for that question. Maybe her mother did her the same way. If so, if you follow suit, then you may not have a relationship with your daughter that is any better than the one with your Mother. Stop this vicious cycle, for future generations. If you don't make peace with it, it will be pasted down to future generations. You have that much control at this point. Destiny has opened a door, "now walk thru!"

Answer 4

What would the daughter do? Thats an awful thing to deal with all her life knowing she was not loved by her mother. If she visits her mom just maybe the mom will apologize. That would be a chance she has to take if she wants to. She might get lucky and hear her mother say I love you and she might not. She will never know tho if she doesn't go one last time. If daughter does go at least she can be at peace when the mother dies knowing she tried just one more time. m

Answer 5

Give up, forget about it and move on with your life. Don't even bother to go to her funeral. Why are you kicking yourself over someone that cares nothing for you? Just because she gave birth to you, it doesn't mean you have to put up with her c.r.a.p. Let her bloody know how you feel and walk away washed of any pain and guilt.

Good luck to you. You've wasted enough years - forget her. My mum wasn't too bad but I can carry on without being upset about her. She had a cruel tongue and unless you've experienced some mothers you can never know what it's like. So you go ahead and cleanse yourself of guilt, you are a beautiful, wonderful person and it's a shame you didn't have the chance of the love of a REAL mum.

Answer 6

Am sorry to hear of your horrible childhood but your mother is wicked ladt to do this to a defencless little girl, you must be hurting so bad inside and still feel like that little girl who want's her mam,
But if I was you I would not go there, people dont change just because they are ill, when you were ill over the years was she there to make you feel better?, when you needed a hug was she there? NO.
Send her a card or even a letter about how you are feeling but dont let your self get hurt, if she wants contact and to make amends go but remember leapard's don't change there spots.
wish you all the luck in the world x

Answer 7

I know this scenario too well! Occurred not to me but in my wife's family, I am very level shouldered and straight so here goes,

I told the cousin who this happened to that she should be better than expected and forgive! Get a chance to say goodbye, get a hug and whisper I still love you, do not mention the ills just give a loving farewell greeting.
Unfortunately she didn't heed me and totally broke down at the funeral as she didn't get to say goodbye! There is enough **** in the world but your family is your family no matter what! I wish whoever this is about all the best and go for it, show your strength!

Answer 8

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds as if the mother has already made up her mind that she wants nothing to do with the daughter.
Save on heartache - just give up on it now & move on. It will be hard but since this treatment has gone on for years I suspect it is never going to change now.
This is very sad because, in my opinion, a womans best friend is her mother (or should be). My mother passed away 6 years ago & I still sometimes find myself needing her opinion on things.

Answer 9

I had a similar problem with my father. Not a great relationship by any means and over a long period of time degenerated even more. There are many reasons for this, too painful to go into here. About 10 years ago I was very ill and my father didn't really know what to do. The connection wasn't there. We didn't speak for six months and when he did eventually call he asked ME why I hadn't called him! Needless to say we had words and we have nort seen or spoken to eachother since.
But at that point a very strange thing happened. I decided that his ill treatment of me was enough, and from that point onwards I have eliminated him from the emotional side of my thoughts. In essence, I have protected myself from him by saying to myself that I am an adult now and will not be treated this way any more. That was five years ago and I have had no contact with him, and don't want to. He is 73 now and the balance of power between us has changed. I am in control of his access and abuse towards me and in my mind he is an old man with nothing to contribute to me or my welfare. Many things have happened to me in the past five years, none of which he knows about, but he doesn't need to know.
Its disheartening and not how I would have liked my relationship with him to be. But families have their down sides and the only way to deal with it is to acknowledge how they are but protect yourself from them.
I hope this helps. Thanks.

Answer 10

There is nothing that requires her to be FORGIVEN. If she was a bad mother, then so be it.

I have lived a similar situation, and the old mentality of 'blood is thicker than water' does not have to apply when you've been treated badly. People get hung up on that, and sometimes it does more harm than good.

As harsh as this sounds, she may not deserve to be forgiven. I would only forgive her if THE DAUGHTER feels she needs to, but not for HER sake, at all.

I realize this sounds cold hearted, but I spent years as a foster parent dealing with parents like her, and I resent them very, very much. Not to mention my own parents were marginal with their care for me.

People deserve to be held accountable for their behavior, no matter if they are family or not.

To conclude, both my parents were seriously lacking in being 'good' parents, yet I took care of them both as they were dying and......I have two brothers and a sister, only one brother even stepped in to help. I did this for ME, to know that I was doing what was morally right, but this is a personal choice that I would not recommend for everyone.

I would tell her to follow her heart, and just remember the choice is one she will have to live with forever......good luck to her.

Answer 11

The daughter has to visit her once more, if she rejects her then the daughter can get on with her life, confident knowing that it was her mother who had the big problem and pushed her daughter away, the daughter could do nothing else.

If she doesn't go may regret it for the rest of her life, wondering if a reconcilliation could have happened