does anyone got some good jokes?

Answer 1

Subject: And on the seventh day . . .

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.

"Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington ... wait until you see the idiots I put there."

Answer 2

At the time when Mr.Clinton was a President, Japanese Prime minister Mr.Junichironujichiro was on his plans to visit White House, he was not good in english so his teacher was teaching him speaking English,
Teacher: When you go to the white house you should shake your hands with Mr. clinton and say How Are you?? Then Mr.Clinton will reply I am fine n howbout you?? you must say me too.


The day Mr. Junichironujichiro visted white house he met Mr.Clinton shaked his hands and just forgot what to say. He said Who are you?? Insted of How are you???

Mr. Clinton then replied well i am a President of the United States and Husband of Hillary Clinton.

Mr.Junichiro: Me too.

Answer 3

I've got a really good one:

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

Answer 4

Three guys died and went to heaven. All three guys ask God if they can have one more chance. God says Yes. God told the three guys to go to the cloud and say what you want to be then you'll turn to it. The first guy said I want to be an lion. So he turn to one and went down. The second guy said I want to be an eagle. So he went down and became an eagle. The third guy tripped and sail crap. So he turn to crap and went down.

Answer 5

Local Kine Jokes
(Be forewarned... Content may be slightly offensive... laugh at your own risk!)


Filipino Vocabulary



IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU ARE NOT A TRUE FILIPINO!

1. Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.
I went to the shoe store to buy a pair of TENACIOUS.
2. Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT,and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE,first DEFEAT and then DETAIL.
3. Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
I hear dripping in the sink. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.
4. Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
Jack and Jill got married on June 1, 1997. So on June 1, 1998, they are going to celebrate their PERSUADING anniversary.
5. Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
Every morning I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION.
6. Use IRAQ, IRAN, and EGYPT in a sentence.
IRAQ is bigger than a stone. IRAN faster than my friend. EGYPT is smaller than a truck.
7. Use PAUL four times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL, before you PAUL in the PAUL.
8. Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night because our teacher might give a CUISINE math.
9. Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in a sentence.
At the gas station, some people PAMPERS and some PAPERS.
10. Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
Ring, ring.....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
11. Use TOENAIL in a sentence
To get to Kaneohe, you must go through Wilson Toenail.
12. Use PENIS in a sentence.
Before my boy go outside and play, I tell him to penis his homework.
13. Use EMPIRE in a sentence.
Ready! Aim! EMPIRE!!!
14. Use DEFICIT in a sentence.
When I go to the pool, I check out how DEFICIT.
15. Use HOSTESS in a sentence.
Hello? Hello? HOSTESS?!!




You Know You From Hawaii If...

1. you buy large quantities of toilet paper in case there’s a longshoreman strike...
2. You don’t understand why anyone would buy less than a 20 lb bag of rice...
3. you would serve spam as a meat for dinner...
4. you can taste the difference between teriyaki and kal-bi
5. you know what a plumeria is and which color would die first: yellow,white or red...
6. you know why there’s shoes and slippers outside of front doors...
7. you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day you know why there are alphabets on trees or any posts on graduation day
8. you know what lei day is...
9. you know what is the "stink eye"; and how to give it...
10. you know what nationality girl would put tape on her eyelids and why...
11. you can correctly pronouce kalanianaole, kalakaua and aiea
12. you know what is in the big breakfast at mcdonald’s
13. you know what a "huli huli chicken" is...
14. you can name 3 varieties of mangos...
15. you have at least one family member whose name is "_____ boy; or "tita"...
16. you have said "wat, owe you money?,"; "karang your alas"; or "da kine"...
17. you know the difference between being hapa and being hapai
18. you give directions using mauka and makai...
19. you know what is "hawaii pono’i"...
20. you know what it takes to get into kamehameha school...
21. You know how to correctly pronounce "Likelike"...
22. Someone says the word "UKU" and your head starts itching. eeww...
23. You raise your chin to say "wassup" instead of nodding. (like one haole)...
24. When making "Shaka" the back of your hand is facing out.
25. You say, "Nori" not seaweed paper...
26. You say "Brah" not "Bro"...
27. You despise the movie "North Shore"...
28. You know why Sharks Cove is called Sharks Cove...
29. When your jokes are ‘bout Portugese not Polish...
30. You laugh at couples with cheesy Aloha attire...
31. If you get one pair of "tata" slippers...
32. When you e-mail mail people in pidgin...
33. You know what is "Morgan’s Corner". (And it still scares you!)
34. If you’re immune to "leptospirosis".
35. When it’s 70 degrees and it’s freezing to you.
36. You use "tako" instead of worms or fluorescent pink fish eggs for bait...
37. You got lickins’ with "da rubbah slippah"...
38. If you can walk through Waianae and not get mobbed...
39. You know that "Kukui nut" is not some mental person...
40. You’ve given Kahi Mohala’s number out to a guy/girl you didn’t like...
41. You call it "saimin" not "Top Ramen"...
42. The surf report is on your speed dial...
43. Your local kids wear slippers and shorts in November in Michigan! (inside the house, of course!)...
44. "Dressing up" means shorts and a aloha shirt.
45. You say "shave ice", not snow cone or shaved ice...
46. Rainbow Drive-Inn is a special date.
47. You go Kam, not Aloha, swap meet.
48. You know pineapples don’t grow in trees.
49. When you hear the words fund raiser, you know it means Zippy's Chili
50. Your mouth waters when you hear the words li-hing mui.

Answer 6

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. Right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****** to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and! Over ag ain. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Tommy

Answer 7

did have but read ghias and laughed so much I forgot it

Answer 8

no