balance between helping and being taken advantage of?

Question

hi, i´m having problems understanding when you stop being helpful. I like to help people and feel that i shouldn´t try to change my character. but if a friend starts being unappreaciative and doesn´t give, only takes, when should the giving stop? should i keep giving out of kindness, or should i step back when i realize this person is not being a good friend? and what about people who woudn´t help me when i was in a bad situation? should i help them now that i am better? what i mean is, shoud kindness run out if it is not being appreicated or if the people aren´t loving? and if so, does that mean that i am becoming hardened? i know that the common sense answer is, but i would like to have a buddhist /loving perspective.
thank you

Answer 1

Hi, ok, since you want a Buddhist Perspective, here it is :

In a Buddhist point of view , you should aim to help all beings without asking anything in return . An even better state would be : you helped others and later on you don't even remember what good deeds you have done.

That is the ultimate state that we should achieve .

However , in your case , I think you may have reached the limits in your capacity to do good.

The Middle Path teachings in Buddhism could be the answer to your problem .

It means that in whatever you do , you do not go to the extremes .
You take the middle path , not too much and not too little.

The Middle Path is best expressed by a story :

The Buddha once asked a musician who is playing a string instrument , "If you tigthtened the strings to the extreme , could your instrument play melodious sounds ? "

The Musician replied , " No, World Honoured One. If the strings are too tight , it might break . Even if it doesn't break , it will give out sharp sounds that are unmelodious to the ears ."

The Buddha asked again ," If you loosen the strings to the extreme , could your instrument play melodious sounds ? "

The Musician replied , " No. World Honoured One . If the string is too loose , it will not give any sound. "

The Buddha then asked again , " How do you get the instrument to play melodious sound ?"

The Musician replied ," By keeping the strings in a balanced manner , not too tight and not too loose, I can make the instrument play melodious sound . "

The Buddha said , " Excellent ! This is also the way it should be when it comes to spiritual practice."

There are many versions to this story . You would know this if you have been studying Buddhist teachings for a while.

But , the essence is still the same : You need to do things in balance .

You are like the string instrument in the story , if you streched yourselves too much( being too helpful to others ), you might break yourself.

If you do too little, it doesn't satisfy your aim .

This is an ancient wisdom that still hold true in the modern world .

Thus, in your case , I suggest that you consider this :

You can try to be helpful to anyone up till the point where it reaches your limits , which are the limits that you can handle emotionally / mentally. Then , you should step back and be yourself.

No one can tell you what are your emotional/mental limits and you would have to find that out yourself .

A good way to find out is to do some reflection , with a calm mind.

You can meditate if you want to get yourself calm.

Then , you should try to get to know your own limits

Whatever you want to do later on, always remember the Middle Path and do things according to your abilities , according to your capacity.

Answer 2

This is a truly good question.

Most of these things are BOUNDRY issues, others are exercising in enabling and finally some are relate to expectation.

I speak from personal experience when I say "giving too much of yourself" is not good. Especially if you help to the degree and in a manner that pervents you from realizing your goals and wants.

A person who finds themself in a realtionship where it's ALL GIVE and NO TAKE, probably has esteme issues. They don't feel they are "good enough" just existing, to be loved, so they have to be constantly providing worth in other ways... like always doing for the other person.

They crave attention and gratitude, but lets face it people are, in general pretty ungrateful, especially at the point that they form an expectation that you will always drop what you're doing and do for them.

"Buy them Ice Cream every day, and they'll ***** about the flavor"... illustrates clearly that... when you constantly do for a person, it becomes expected, and unappreciated.

SoooooOOOOoo... How do you fix that?

Well the first step is to realize that you will be liked, on your own merit, not because of what you can do.

The second step is to only do things you want to do...for you. Without expectation of getting gratitude... if you get it, that's a bonus...

Third craft deals... so you get what you want... say... I'll come over and feed your cat... if you help me with that flyer for church.

It's tricky... it really is... I have these issues all the time!

Answer 3

People are usually helpful out of a sincere desire to better the life situation of another, (brotherly love). To truly love another person or group at times requires one to "help" by doing what is absolutely best for their long term well being and growth. That is not always giving them what they want at the moment, but could possibly mean pulling back some, and letting them grow on their own. Not with malice of course.
To continue to help a person who does not appreciate your efforts is a decision you must make on a case by case basis. There are circumstances where the best form of help is to let the person grow from a failure or challenge that they must face by themselves.
Certainly helping others who through no fault of their own, cannot appreciate or give back to you is the highest form of Love.
People can give until it harms them physically / mentally, and that is OK, but pick the cause. You should not sacrifice your self on a small issues and the selfish demands of others.
In the Christian Bible, (loosely) the Apostles are given the task of going out and spreading the word <(helping others), but are told to "shake the dust from your sandals" <(move on) if a village was unreceptive. Nothing good was coming from their efforts.
The fact that you have this internal dilemma at all reveals a well developed conscience, and I am sure that you will find the balance.

Answer 4

When you give (e.g. help), don't expect appreciation or even help when you are down, from the person. Do it just because you genuinely want to do it.

When you expect something in return from someone else, it could only leave you unsatisfied and frustrated when things don't go as expected. That would more or less be the quality of compassion in the Buddhist sense.

Answer 5

Are you giving because you want to or are you giving because you are asked - there is a difference. If you are doing it out of the goodness of heart - then you should not expect anything in return. If you are being asked then that is a different story- maybe you being taken advantage of. Some people are just bad "receivers".

Answer 6

A hard question - door mat versus good person, right? There's always the option of stepping back, if possible - getting that person out of your life as much as possible. That way you can still be courteous and all, but I do think, after a certain point, they've had enough strikes.
Good luck! It's good that you're trying - and man, it's hard have to pull back, but you sure count, too. Best wishes -

Answer 7

there r different times and u r the best judge. Help those who help themselves, they ask for help and implement or act on suggestions. Do not be crutches to anyone, slowly move out. Help unconditionally, if they do not help u in a situation, forgive them, thats there act. You act the way u wanna, not react to their inaction. No ane can take advantage of u, but u can let them take advantage, this is the truth. Help/support as u r serving the lord in them, not for rewards. Buddhist perspective - Educating the friends, is the best form of help, as Buddha did. Helping any other way does die out, clothes, money, sharing time, but educating them while doing any of these acts, uplifts their capabilities to help themselves in such situations and hence it's the best form of help.
love

Answer 8

No, kindness should never run out, but beware of those whom take, take, take advantage of your kindness, I mean it is not good for you, or your feelings if it begins to cause you pain and heart ache.

Therefor be true to yourself, and listen to your heart in these matters, as it is often your best guide.

If you allow others to hurt you then you will surly be hurt, therefor the best advice I can offer you from my perspective is when you feel you are being taken advantage of by another, talk to them about it in a plane language, if it happens again, then avoid them and maintain your distance from them as much as possible.

What ever you do, please do not allow others to harden your heart, and stay true unto yourself, as there are good and kind people whom would never take advantage of you, and be your good friend.

Best wishes.

Answer 9

Okay, what makes these people more important than you are? Everyone has rights, and in feeling you have a responsibility to all, you have given your rights up. You can't take care of others, unless you take care of yourself. Also, use logic, why help those who won't help you? Why help the ungrateful? A true friend is someone who'll help you, and be grateful for help in return, take care of those, not false friends and users.

Answer 10

always use your heart if people take advantage of your generous nature just wish them well and move on , i am much like you and have been taken advantage of but try to see the situation with heart so if i walk away i still have good feelings about myself. god bless you. Julie