Is it normal to feel like a failure when you can't help somebody?

Question

I like to help people. Sometimes a little too much, I get in the middle of arguments a lot because I hate arguments. I help my friends when they need it. Whether they need to talk about cutting, or suicide, or relationships, or family, or whatever. I listen to them. I talk to them. I even do it with people I don't know. When I can't help someone, I feel like a failure. Is there any way to prevent that feeling? I mean..how do councelers do it? Sorry about my spelling.

Answer 1

You should never get involved with others arguments unless somebody is getting hurt but it's good to know you have a good heart to want to help others.
It's not a failure when can't help somebody no.
I felt a failure because I couldn't have what I wanted, the reason for trying to help others, for them but for me too but we can only help others if they want the help, or the change.
We have to know when to give up on helping them for ourselves too. I gave up one thing, my dream ( a simple dream, a family as never had when a kid although both times the families were there) but continued helping those for them, and again for myself so although I didn't get what I wanted the way I wanted it, I got it but in another way so I succeeded.
Never feel a failure when given all you got to help, nothing is a failure when gave it your best shot.

Answer 2

There is a tremendous feeling of frustration that goes along with "not having your advice taken." I am 44 years old and I have quite a lot of experience under my belt. To openly offer up suggestions, even based upon the experiences I have had, I find no takers usually. Not many people value what it is I have to give and that is the thing that hurts. I don't get too hung up on that though because there is more than just giving advice so that you can help people. Listening, just listening, is so important to have in a friend. I can do that, and do it without placing judgment or expecting that they should take my advice. Let any encounter you have be natural and not forced in any way and the encounter will turn out exactly as it was suppose to.

Nobody has all the answers, and if you are real broken up because you want to be able to help everyone, then I feel bad that you are going to have to face a lot of disappointment. People ultimately, are the only ones that can help themselves. If they ever do, is one thing, and then when they do is another so you see, keep your intentions pure, offer your ear, be an objective observer and then just let the rest fall in Gods hands and you get out of there.

Answer 3

All you can do is do what you're doing then the rest has to be left in the Lords Hands. To try and carry the burdens of others to that extent will burn you out sooner then you might think. Some times you have to let people go through their trials, it will help them grow and learn. Not all problems are to be solved right away. Part of doing what you're doing is learning to walk away at the right time. Your heart will let you know when that is, you just have to learn to listen. You should never feel like a failure if you have given it your best shot. That is all that you can humanly do and nothing more can be asked of you. Your first priority should be to yourself and your mental health or you will not be able to help those that need your help. Hang in There. God is watching over you.

Sometimes you have to turn the rest over to GOD and let him handle what you can't. There is a purpose for everything.

The Silversmith

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver".

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the Character and nature of God. One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire And let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to Hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest As to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver The entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in You.

Hope this helped......

Answer 4

Ya might want to look into Co-Dependence and see if you fit that 'role'. It is normal if you are 'taking the problem on', and reality is, you aren't supposed to take it on that much! Not so much you are feeling sick inside becuase of someone elses 'stuff'. If you listened and you were a good friend that's ALL you could do. Counselors talk to other Counselors pretty often, so they can help each other through things. They are also taught coping skills in school. I would just suggest that you not worry or think or obsess about these thoughts of other people.. because it's just not healthy for you!

Answer 5

We are only human. And there's only so much that we can do for others. You have a good heart. But all problems can't be solved just because you have one. Remember that life is like a wheel; the bottom area of the wheel that touches the ground is only but a small fraction when compared to the other area that doesn't. That bottom represents the people whose hearts you aren't able to change. The larger area represents the people who are touched by you. Show yourself some compassion. Be strong when you face that "failure". Let that "failure" be the fuel to fire-up your character and your desire to continue to help others.

Answer 6

It is normal to feel you're a failure if you cannot be of help to somebody who needs it. You just have to understand that you are not a deity or a superhuman being and that you cannot help everyone all the time. You have to detach yourself and not be very involved in the person whom you are trying to help. Otherwise, you will tend to become the other person. If you have this problem, I suggest do not go into councelling others as you have a tendency to absorb their problems as well.

Answer 7

Yeah, I end up feeling the same way. But I try to remember that you can only help those who want help. I'm exactly like you are...hell we even spell our name the same way. If you can't help someone because you don't know the answer, that is ok. Do a little web search and see if you can point them in the right way. There are people who can help better than us. I used to want to be a counselor, but decided against it because "what if I can't help someone". Hope this helps.

Answer 8

I guess it's natural for us to feel that you've failed because you were not able to help someone. But at the same time, we should not dwell on it. Maybe we were not supposed to help these people, maybe we didn't have the answers they were looking for. We do not have all the answers to al lthe questions and neither are we always able to help everyone, even though we want to. My advice would be to not dwell on the "failures" (for lack of a better word) and move on to the next problem, maybe you'll have better success with this one. Reflect more on those you HAVE helped and pray for those you were unable to. Don't burden yourself with negative feelings and guilt. Pray and lift up your problems to God and ask him for help with anything you cannot handle yourself. I am reminded of a prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is apparently the Serenity prayer used by members of Alcoholics anonymous.. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

What you have to learn is to not buy into their feelings and take a detached approach to what is going on. What you are suffering from is called enmeshment, and it is when you basically live inside other people's heads, when there is no need to do that. You can't help everyone out there, and you are not a failure, you are a good and helpful person. It is not the result that counts, but the act of helping that counts, and that is where you succeed.

Answer 10

Yeah, I am like that too. I think it is normal for a caregiver to feel guilty when they can't help. Caring for others has become your most important role in life and it gives you purpose. You have to remind yourself that you have made a difference in many people's life but that is not your job to help everyone. Maybe the someone else is supposed to help the person that you couldn't help or they just aren't ready to be helped. (doesn't it drive you crazy when you are trying to help someone, but they have an excuse as to why every piece of advice you offer just won't work?)
I think that it is also important for you to understand that most people who like to help too much are in part keeping busy helping others so they don't have to deal with there own problems. Also for some it is a form of controlling others; the more someone allows you to help, the control you have over their life.