Want 10 points? Give me a funny joke?

Question

if you want the 10 pts give me your best joke

Answer 1

What did the elephant say to the naked man?




How do you breath out of that thing?

Answer 2

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot
of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds! So I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time
someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off
it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

Answer 3

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Answer 4

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Answer 5

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smile at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 6

Every year, in Borneo, there will be a festival of boat racing in one of the most notorious river. One day, the chief village decided to sparked up the event. He invited all the young and brave mens to swim in the river till the crossing line. The first 1 who manage to arrive there will be rewarded with lands, cash and to get married with his beautiful daughter. Obviously no 1 dared because not only the river was strong but there were crocodiles in there too. Every one backing up and not into the challenge...then suddenly, they heard the sound of water splashing behind them...Quickly, they checked and there in the river they saw a brave and handsome young man struggling to swim in the river.They cheered for him..And alas, he finally reached the finishing line...After they picked him up, the chief of the village came up to him and asked the young man, what is the desire of his heart.....The young man spoke and said.....................











"I want to know who pushed me into the river just now!!!!!"

Answer 7

An engineering student was walking across campus and he sees his friend come riding up to him on a new bike. He asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Answer 8

there are these two Texas farmers sitting at a bar, bill and mike. bill decides he is going to get more of an education, so he goes to the local community college, and talks to the dean of admissions.
the dean say; sure we'll get you started on the basics first. math, history science and logic. logic? bill asks, whats that? the dean say, logic! for example, do you own a weed eater? bill says, yes i do. dean say, then logically you have a yard? bill say, as a matter of fact, i do have a yard. then logically you have a house. right? bill says, yes, i do have a house. if you hav a house, than logically you have a family? bill says, you are right, i do have a family. well if you have a family, then logically, you are heterosexual. correct?
bill is amazed. you can tell all that by me owning a weed eater? bill shakes the deans hand, and rushes to the bar to tell mike. bill tells mike that he is enrolled in math, history, science and logic. logic? mike asks. what is logic? bill says logic! you know! well for example, do you own a weed eater? mike replies no? than your a queer!

Answer 9

Wedding Joke"Three rings of marriage: engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."


When two (ore more) people are working a desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!

Put a peice of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them and keep them on the phone for as long as possible.

It is allways a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f*ck” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.

Get a hold of someone's cell phone and change the greeting banner to say "NO SERVICE". Many cell phones have greeting banners on them that you can personalize to say whatever you want them to and it stays on there when you're not using your phone. Also, when there is no service where you are, most cell phone companies have a banner that pops up on your screen saying "no service".

Take a can of non gel shaving cream, and put it in a freezer. When it is frozen remove the bottom of the can and put it in co worker's drawer. When it melts it expands and explodes all over everything.

Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!". They will usually panick and start scanning for viruses.

Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.

Do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will autoplay when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to autmatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

Change the coffee in the office coffe maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks(or untill you think everybody has gotten over their caffine addiction)and switch to expresso!

Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.

With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpeice inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpeice. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc... before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

My absolutely most favorite prank I have saved for last. It is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

Answer 10

Did u know that the Irish invented the toilet seat? Yep .then 400yrs later the English cut a hole into it hahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhahahhhaahahahhahaahahah huh oh ok

Answer 11

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair. The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

LOL