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My dad has always told me what i can and cant do. Even when im not sure if he will let me do something i dont ask in fear that he will say no, he gets pleasure out of controlling me, when he doesnt let me do something he gloats about it and tries to get me to react to it. I end up in tears by myself all the time. When im out at a function and hes there he controls me with his eyes, he watches who i talk to and it makes me nerveous, i cant make a good impression or be myself because he is just standing there judging me. No matter how hard i try i cant seem to stop letting him do this to me, if i could ignore him i could be a better person but i cant, he has this emotional control over me. I want to get my confidence back and ignore him completly, if he doesnt like what im saying or doing i want to be able to not have to stress over his reaction, i want to have freedom.

2006-07-06 18:41:57 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Family

He wont listen to my mum or anyone else. He thinks it is his right as a father to control me. He doesnt see that he is doing anything wrong. Im 19 but i cant move out, my mum and i are very close and i couldent leave her.

P.S Those insensitve answers dont help my problem. Thanks to those who give genuine answers

2006-07-06 18:54:02 · update #1

21 answers

I can relate to what you are saying. My dad controlled me for the majority of my life, and I felt helpless. My father physically and emotionally abused me. You don't state that your father physically abuses you, but it does sound like he is emotionally abusing you.
You might want to consider talking to a therapist. There is nothign wrong with it and it can help. Just to talk to someone to help you figure out how he "time and time again" has this control over you. yes, your father has the right to control your life in some regards. But you are 19 and are able to make your own choices. And it sounds like your dad is having trouble letting you go. I had to cut my dad out of my life. He kept telling me that I was worthless, stupid, would never amount to anything, etc. After talking to a therapist for a few sessions, we decided that my dad is holding me down in my quest for freedom to become an adult. I stopped calling him so much, now I only call once a month. I know you said you live at home, and that you are very close to your mom. And thats great. But your mom needs to be an advocate for you also. Do you have siblings? If you do, does he do this to you or all of you? If you have siblings, are you the oldest or youngest? Usually parents are harder on certain children. Sometimes they are harder on the oldest because they want you to set a good example. And sometimes they are harder on the youngest because of the mistakes the oldest has made. I know its really hard to think about, but you might want to consider moving out for a while. Get some space between you and your dad. You can visit your mom, and have her visit you, and talk on the phone as much as you want. Moving out doesn't mean that you will be leaving your mom for good. It really sounds like your dad is very controlling, and its making you uncomfortable. You shouldn't be treated like that. No one deserves that. So I would recommend talking to a therapist, and consider moving in with a friend for a while or getting your own place. Oh, does your dad treat your mom like this also? Keep your chin up, I'll keep you in my prayers. Things will get better in time.

2006-07-06 19:18:39 · answer #1 · answered by kinndee 4 · 1 1

I got the situation.
You have a very good tool, your mom - take her help.

Ask your mom to get more involved with your dad, ask her that they go out to relatives, to holiday, have more sex.
Whatever it is, your father should get involved in other activites, he should loose the intense focus on you.

Meantime, you try to recoup your inner enegry.
Try out some outdoor activities, like BF, job, school assignment, nightouts with any friends or any thing which he may approve.

Keep on telling him your outdoor activities, very slowly.

This process has to happen 3-6 months.

Tell him some story, in which he will feel proud of you and the message should be that you are grown up.
Like: Dad you know that how big your daughter has become, I went to orphanage and did some service. I also took our teacher/guide along with me. And all of us spent a day out.

He will realise that you have become big.

Keep on doing the process and you will be free.

Best wishes.

2006-07-06 19:52:04 · answer #2 · answered by AJ 3 · 0 0

How old are you? Where is you mom?

Ok. You're not going to change him. You need a legitimate reason to get out of the house, like going away to school or a job. Do you have a relative who lives in another city that you could go live with? Can you go away to school? I promise you that your mom will understand because she can't possibly like how you are feeling. If you feel you are trapped, please talk to a counselor, who will be able to help you gain the strength to get out of this situation.

P.S. - it this just obsessive on the part of your father or does he have a reason to be very concerned about you? I have to ask because dads CAN be very protective of daughters, and if something happened to you in the past, lilke someone kidnapped you or abused you, it could make him extra-concerned and overly protective.

2006-07-06 18:44:16 · answer #3 · answered by Dakota 3 · 0 0

My father is the exact same! 100% the same.. It is only recently that I have been able to ignore him and walk away and Im 23.. One day I know I will stand up to him and tell him how he has made me feel for the past 20 years, but I am too scared just like you.. One day he will say something to you that will upset you so much you cant hold it in and you will explode.. My father called me a parasite because I was unemployed for 2 weeks.. and that 2 weeks I was been paid holiday time oweing to me.. That was the final straw for me.. I went off and told him how I feel.. He is still a bastard to me, but he knows that if he says something to me I will stand up for myself! if you want to chat more about it drop me an email.. Jade_is7@hotmail.com

2006-07-06 18:54:54 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

wow im sorry to hear about this. but what i think you should do is not take orders from him anymore. try doing your own thing for a change don't pay attention to him. has he done anything to you before? if so you can always call the cops on him send him to jail. if not then try not to stress about what he could do. because no matter what the police will be on yourside and all your friends a relitive can always help you.

hope this helps.

by the way how old are you?

2006-07-06 18:53:14 · answer #5 · answered by watdahellrudoin 3 · 0 0

This answer depends very much on how old you are. If you're an adult, the best advice to give would be to move away from him or don't see him as often. Stand up for yourself and make you're own decisions. If you're still young enough that moving out is not an option, then it's something you'll have to deal with until you're old enough to move out.

2006-07-06 18:46:07 · answer #6 · answered by sarahjaniepoo 4 · 0 0

it really depends on hoe old you are. as you grow it up it will become easier. my friends were afraid to come over to my house sometimes because they had seen my dad yell at me and my siblings. as we got old and he realized we were making good decisions he let go. i could never stand up to him and tell him how i feel until i had gone to college for a couple years and really found myself.

for know, especially if you are young, you need to accept that he is your father and if your mom is around, do what you can to make her an ally so you have someone to talk to if you get into a disagreement with your father. your mom or an older friend can be very helpful in directing you in a good path. they may not always tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you what you need to hear.

2006-07-06 18:51:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

If you are over 16, I would talk to him about it in front of someone he respects.My dad controled me with his eyess in public ,and only someone who has been in that situation can understand it.It is a threat to your privacy,I remember the feeling.I can tell you what not to do.I waited till I was 18 and moved out without telling my parents I was leaving.We began speaking again when I was 27.good luck.

2006-07-06 18:50:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I know exactly how you feel. I went through this for a long time, even after I moved out. I found amazing help through a therapist, who helped me identify how I allowed the control to happen, and even helped me prepare myself to talk to him about it.

There should be some free or low-cost therapists available who can help you. Good luck.

2006-07-06 18:48:13 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

hey, you know i have a lot of problems with my father too. he scares me, not abusive but emotionally like your dad. I think the best thing you can do is go to your mom more and talk to her about it, mom's usually can do a lot. now i don't know your situation so if you can't do that maybe the best thing to do is confront him about it maybe nicely at first and then firm if he won't take it. Just know that there are millions out there that are in the same boat and we care!

2006-07-06 18:49:15 · answer #10 · answered by Jack J 1 · 0 0

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