My mom is struggling financially but still wants to smoke. Should I help her w/ bills if she refuses to quit?

Question

My mom is in her 60's and had a difficult divorce. She does not have much. It's sad. She spent her life being a great wife and mom! She was always volunteering at school, driving us to school events ~ always a great mom. After my parents divored (I was in my 30's) she has really struggled. She gets a certain amount of money from my dad's retirement but it does not cover all expenses. It gets worse - she had a part-time job but got fired for stealing! She was stealing food and some Christmas gifts for her grandkids because she didn't have enough money and did not want my sister and I to know that she was struggling. Well we know now and are doing our best to help. It was SO out of character for her to do this but she was desperate. My sister and I want to help but feel she needs to quit smoking. She is already on a limited income and if we help with bills while she insists on smoking then in essence we are contributing to it. Her doctor said she NEEDS to quit for her health

more details - I already have been helping her. I buy groceries and food and paid some utility bills this month. I would never want to look back and regret not helping...so am doing this now. Her father (my grandfather) and her sister both died of lung cancer...so I am just scared.

Answer 1

Yes, for her health, she should quit. My mom used to smoke too, but I hated the habit. You mom seems really caring and giving, and if smoking is her only vice (other than stealing, which seems she did trying to be a good grandma, and I'm sure being fired from her job is enough punishment for what she did) then let her be. Come on...she's 60 and has so much hardship right now. She still maLet her have her smokes. They are her only pleasure right now. Don't deprive her of it. We all have bad habits that are bad to our health. We all eat more than our share of fast food and don't exercise as much as we should. Don't judge her...help her. If I were one of her kids and was capable of helping her, I would continue to help her financially. I could see if she was blowing all the money on cigarettes, but I'm sure she's not. Think of it this way...wouldn't she help you if she had money? And if so, would she even ask you where the money was going? I know my mom would not. If I needed it and she has it, there are never any questions. Just be a friend and a support, whether it be emotionally or financially. It seems she really needs it right now. And let her know that "that which does not kill us makes us stronger".
Good luck and God Bless to you and her in this hard time.

Answer 2

This is a difficult situation--my heart goes out to you, your mom, and your family. Unfortunately, the more stress your mom faces, the more she'll be tempted to smoke. Addiction is a disease, whether it is addiction to drugs, gambling, even caffeine. Cigarettes are a hard habit to break.

It seems as though your parent/child roles are being reversed. You are called upon to be the responsible caretaker. Could you help out by giving her food (not money) and inviting her to join you for meals?

"We love you mom and want you to be around for a long time to enjoy spending time with us and your grandkids. I'm really disappointed that you felt you needed to steal to keep your financial problems hidden from us. We love you no matter what, but it is important that you set a good example for the grandkids especially. Which is more important, food or cigarettes? How about being around to see your grandkids grow up? Please let us help you..."

It sounds like she could benefit from some counseling. This might not immediately help her with her smoking habit, but if she has been stealing she is probably depressed and not acting as her normal self. Smokers anonymous would be a great group to check out--she'd get a chance to meet with people who understand what she's going through and would support her if she tries to quit. Tough love helps, but your mom has to have both the desire and the decision to stop. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

If I had my mother here to hold her hand or hug her or just be with her, I would do whatever it took to make her happy.
So many of our children don't realize what it took to raise them to be responsible adults and then to find that all the reward was a stranger who tries to govern her life. So sad!!
Let your mom be, I'm sure the doctor didn't label her to be incompetent of her facilities, did he?
If it is your mother's choice to smoke, what right do you have to stop her? Who is the child here and who is the parent? Furthermore, was there not ever a time when you needed aid, and did your mother ever not help you without wanting something in return? And your mother contributed to the fact that your are a grown up who is successful financially, do you not consider that for feed!!

Answer 4

I think you should help her, because she might smoke more because she's feeling sad, or depressed- like there's no way out but this. There are organizations to help you with this, and support groups. (http://www.givingupsmoking.co.uk/ is the first one on a search engine.)

Help her feel better, because I think that part of the reason she smokes is because she struggles and smoking makes her feel better. But try taking away her cigarettes, and help her get on a plan to stop. You might want to live with her for a while... as a support and a monitor. That probably will help as well.

Answer 5

You should not even have to ask this question. You only have one mother, and you should do everything you can for her now, while you still have her.

As far as the smoking issue goes; she will quit if and when she is ready to. You can remind her she needs to qiut, but you can't make her. Smoking is one of the toughest habits to break,and she has to want to do it for herself. This is coming from a former smoker.

But stick by you Mom, and help her all that you can, or you will be sorry later. God Bless.

Answer 6

WaAlaikumAsalaam my sisterr! In your question you stated the Shahada, "There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad (pbuh) is His Messenger". So basically you are a Muslim now. :P You are now a Muslim, say "Alhamdulillah", but in the mean time you can just decide how you want to tell your parents...It is seriously so strange, every revert I've known, they're parents are either totally against Islam or they have some kind of problem. But there was one revert who became a better person, started respecting his parents, and the parents saw the big change in him and they were so happy. Other times being that parents have actually became Muslims after their children. It's just amazing.. You decide if you want to tell your parents. Remember you can even give Dawah to them, an invitation to Islaam. Take care, salaam. :)

Answer 7

I would suggest the best help would be to speak to her about getting her the patch. And let her know that it's no longer a secret that she's having financial difficulties. She must stop smoking, and needs help in doing so.
It is as comparable to any drug addiction!

Answer 8

You see her smoking as her just throwing more money away...she sees it as a coping mechanism in a tough time(and just a habit that she's not been able to kick). Your best bet is to give all the help you can afford to give, and eventually she might come around.

Answer 9

I am probably wrong with the rest of the room for saying this in that it may label you as an enabler...

but I would help my mom in any challenge that she has....heaven knows she has gone against her better judgement to help me sometimes...

Answer 10

no you should not. smoking is bad. paying the bills for her just gives her more excuse to use the extra money to buy more cigarettes.