Am I incorrect to think it is rude of others to ask me why I do not have children?

Question

I feel this is a highly personal question and therefore, no one's business but mine and my husband's. Yet, when I respond by saying I feel that is a personal question or when I give a flippant answer like, "I'm too young to have kids" (which I am clearly not), people are often offended and think I am rude because I have evaded their question. I feel that I shouldn't have to disclose my personal business to anyone especially to an acquaintance. I am in an age bracket where about 85% of women have children with another 10% wanting children but unable to have them and I am treated as a pariah for not following suit. I am moving to another city soon and would like to know how I can avoid answering this question w/o seeming rude while at the same time secure friendships with women in my own age group. I have never verbally accosted anyone for having children and I do show interest when said women talk about their own kids, yet I am often excluded from social events. This is getting old.

Answer 1

"Why don't you have kids?"

"We've made a personal decision not to have them"

If they're are stupid enough to continue and ask:

" why is that"?

" Like I said, it's personal"

Don't make excuses like "we aren't ready yet" or apologize for not explaining yourself. Unfortunately, it's one of those questions that people will continue to ask and most of the time it is asked out of genuine curiosity or as a topic of conversation with no malice intent, however annoying.

You shouldn't feel the need to explain or justify yourself to anybody about your life. Think to yourself, is this really about them asking you the question? Or are you making yourself uncomfortable by being too self conscious about your decision?
Stop over thinking it and what is socially acceptable and for anyone that can't accept your choice and looks down on you for it or doesn't want to socialize with you because of..they aren't friend material anyway.

Answer 2

I feel you can not answer if you so choose. People shouldn't think you are rude for not wanting to share such a personal detail about yourself. If you do not want children then that is your choice. I have many older friends maybe in their 40's or 50's and they don't have kids by choice. I have never seen this as a problem. So don't be too worried, you can just explain to the new people you meet you ask you that question how people treated you rudely after you answered their question and they should feel sympathy for you instead of thinking you rude. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I feel the same way. It is none of their business to ask this question. I don't go around asking people why they have kids and I don't think those people who have chosen to have kids should ask the opposite. For some reason, in the US (and I'm sure in other parts of the world, this is true) women are deemed to be "freaks" if they don't want kids or don't have kids. This is wrong...I think that it is a hold-over from those sexist times when women were nothing but baby-making factories.

Personally, I choose to not have children because I hate them. They drive me nuts. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a public place with a bunch of screaming kids that are totally out of control. I'd much rather have dogs.

But, to avoid telling people exactly that (because they ALWAYS get offended when I tell them that I hate children), I tell them that it is because kids are sticky. It leaves people befuddled and they typically leave me alone after that.

Answer 4

You are not incorrect. I love being a mom and I think you are missing out BUT it's your choice and no one else's business. A well-brought up person would never ask this question. However, I think saying you are too young might offend some people. You don't need to answer the question at all. Just smile and change the subject.

Answer 5

I think that's a horrible question to ask anyone. If you don't want kids, then you don't want kids...it's nobody's business why. I have two children, 16 months apart in age, and people always ask me if my older sister (35) has kids. She doesn't, because it's physically impossible for her to carry a child...she has some major back problems, and isn't able to bear the weight of a child. This is an incredibly touchy/sore subject for her because she wants children dearly, and can't. Anyway, when people ask me if she has kids and I say no, they give me this look like they're completely aghast. I usually get flippant and smart and say, "She wants kids, and she'd make a wonderful mother, but she physically can't have them." That usually makes them incredibly uncomfortable...they seem very sorry, look around nervously, shift around...and it makes me feel good that they've made an *** of themselves. Maybe next time they'll keep their f&cking mouths shut!

Anyway, my point to this is, when someone asks you that (assuming it's someone who doesn't know you very well), make your eyes well up with big tears and say, "I can't have children..." Should make them feel horrible and make them think twice about opening their fat mouths and getting nosey.

Answer 6

I agree with you. After you have kids they will still ask other stupid questions. People feel the need for idle chit chat and junk. My son is 2 and people always ask; when are you going to have another one?" people also ask if I am pregnant now or imply that I look pregnant still. One answer is "I'm not ready for kids yet. I want to achieve other goals first." Don't worry about being rude though. It is not polit to ask personal questions like that. Children are a great joy but not untill you feel it is the right time.

Answer 7

I am curious myself when people don't have kids. I have asked this question myself. I feel I have offended certain people after I've asked. I can see where you might find this rude. Humans are curious by nature, just like when you see someone that is handicapped, people stare and the person w/the handicap think that is rude and prefer people ask what happened instead of staring. Still, I think no matter where you go, people will still ask. They want to know if you have choosen not to have children or maybe want to be sympathetic if you or your husband can't have them.

Answer 8

You are not wrong for thinking it rude when people ask why you don't have children.Different people think different things are rude.The way you can answer the question without seeming rude is by saying, "I know you may feel differently, but I think that is a personal question I'd rather not answer," or, "I don't mean to be rude but I'd rather not answer that," or, (with a kind of confused look on your face) "I'm not really sure." The best one I think is, "We just aren't ready for kids right now."

Answer 9

Some people can't understand why other people didn't make the same choices they did. It is a very personal question (and none of their business).

Since people are getting offended by your response, when they really didn't mean to offend you, maybe you could find a less offensive way to have them mind their own business.

Maybe something like "It's just a private decision we made."

Answer 10

You do not owe anyone an answer for choices you have made in your personal life. If someone is offended when you tell them "that's a personal question", then it is their problem.

Likely they get offended because they are embarrassed about their faux pas, but lack the skills needed to interpret their reaction as such and take it out on you.