Am I wrong for not wanting to have kids?

Question

When my husband proposed he said he didn't care about kids, he just wanted to be with me. He knew I wasn't thrilled about having kids, actually I let him know I was against having them. He thought I'd change my mind after marriage. Now he's considering divorcing me and finding someone who will want to have kids with him. I love him so much that I agreed to have a child to make him happy, but soon realized that the thought of doing that made me feel miserable. I've told him how I feel; he's bummed out. I'm afraid to lose him because we have so much fun together. I wish I could've met someone who feels the way I do. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I feel like I don't want anything to do with having kids? I've never felt maternal at all.

Answer 1

definitely not.

Answer 2

You are not wrong.
You were up front with him before you married, and since you still feel that way; you are in the "right".
People do not change on the major issues after marriage. Your husband has had his head in the sand by ignoring what you have been saying all along.

I am 48, divorced , not a maternal bone in my body, and have been thru the same thing, more then once....the guys thought I would change my mind.
( Boyfriends, too, down thru the years thought the same thing ).
When they finally got it thru their pea-brain that I WAS NOT HAVING ANY KIDS....they found the door.
I never had any hard feelings,...because I had been honest from Day 1.

Now I am 48, still no kids, ( had my tubal at the ripe old age of 20 ) and have NEVER, EVER regretted MY decision for MY life.
Whenever I wonder about it,...I go see my great nieces & nephews for a few hours. Nope,...I made the right decision "for ME".

Each person has to make that decision for themselves....and the ONLY person who knows how YOU feel deep down, is YOU .

If you go ahead and have a baby, feeling the way you do; you will resent the child, and probably come to hate the other half of that child as well. And really, how fair is that for a child , who didn't ASK to be born into that termoil ?

If you still have doubts about having kids, ( ANYbodys' kids ) take a week off from your regular job, and volunteer in a day care center. I can promise you that, that will either make or break the decision.

Then if you still don't want kids; you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will probably see the door close on this marriage.

But with a man that doesn't really KNOW you, when you have been honest....I'd let him go on down the road,...find a mother-wife for HIS kids,...and start over as a strong, confident, and HAPPY woman. It's nice not to be at the beck and call of kids. and to be unhappy & miserable in the process......really.

Good Luck !

Answer 3

Not everyone has to want children. If you don't, that doesn't make you a bad person. I think it would be a very bad idea to have a child if you don't really want one though, because not only will you be unhappy, those negative feelings will affect the child negatively too. Unfortunately most people belive that they can change their partners and make them into (or make them want) something that they are not (or do not). Maybe you two should try counseling since it sounds like you do not want the marriage to end. I'm so sorry that you two are not on the same page with the kid issue, but it might come down to having to separate if you are sure you don't want kids and he is sure that he does. I'm not sure that this is an issue you can compromise on. No matter what the outcome, don't ever let anyone make you feel that something is wrong with you or that you are a bad person because you don't want children. I respect the fact that you can be honest with yourself about how you feel. Good luck to you both!

Answer 4

Don't have children just because someone else wants you too. You have to want them. What if you had kids, your body changed after having them and he decided he didn't like the way you looked anymore. And left. You would be stuck with children you didn't want in the first place and be very resentful toward them I'm afraid. Bottom line, don't bring a life into this world that you are not willing and lovingly going to take care of. That is for the rest of your life you know. If he truly loves you he will not leave you for this. If he truly loves you, he will not ask you to do something that you feel so strong against.

Answer 5

Some people are just not meant to be parents. You seem to be one of those. Do not feel guilty because of it. Your husband knew of your feelings before you got married. Don't have a child to "keep" your husband, or to make him happy. Live your life the way you believe. People don't "change" when they get married. That's a big mistake that people make by thinking they can change the habits or the beliefs of their spouses once they tie the knot. If your husband does decide to leave, on the other hand, it just shows that he never really loved you in the first place. Try seeing a counselor together to help your husband. I don't see that you have a problem. Good luck. I hope this helps.

Answer 6

If you told him your wishes prior to marriage then in reality this shouldn't really come to that much of a suprise. It is his problem that he thought he could change your feelings and almost seems like he expected it. I would really have a conversation with him. Asking quesitons on Yahoo Answers isn't going to help your relationship. Communicaiton is key to a relationship. There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, but maybe you can find a compromise. Maybe say you'll look into it. Maybe do a group volunteer at a day care, to see how you are around kids. This allows him to see that you are considering it. But always communication. If you dont' want any and it is important to him, then there isn't much you can do. I wouldn't force yourself to do anything you don't feel like or you will be miserable. Hopefully by communicating with one another you both can have a better understanding where your relationship is heading.

Answer 7

Stand your ground girl, don't be led into something that you will regret later. Having a child will not save a marriage. Looks like your husband lied to you from the start, about kids. You don't wont a child don't, for you will never be able to love that child as you should. Having a child you don't wont will only make your life a living hell. Just say no. it's that easy, you may loose your husband, but you will get over it in time. If you have a unwanted child you will never get over it. And no I'm not a women giving you this advice, I'm all man and have seen this kind of thing to many times.

Answer 8

No, nothing is wrong with you.

Being a parent is not for everybody. It is great that you KNOW you don't want one and you did the right thing by bringing up the issue before you got married.

What is not right is, your husband lied and now he is trying to pressure you to have a child. He was wrong to assume you will change your mind.

I feel, the matter of having or not having children is an issue where there is no compromise. When a couple does not agree, at least one will be miserable, and it will affect the child.

The best thing you can do is to go to a counselling together. The next best thing to do is to go to a counselling by yourself (if your husband doesn't want to go).

Answer 9

Absolutely not ! If you don't have that "maternal feeling" you probably would not be a good mother. Please don't take that as an insult. There are a lot of women that just aren't "cut out" to be mothers. At least you took the time to think about it rather than just doing it for the sake of a man, regardless of how much you love him.More women should do the same.
Your husband should have never thought that he could change your mind after you got married either. He should have accepted it...or married someone else. ( no offense intended)

Answer 10

Not all women have a maternal instinct. I find it selfish on your husband's part to try and change you. My ex-wife was not interested in children and my current girl friend might have to raise her little sister (5 years old) if her parents die ( both are in not the best health). She doesn't want any of her own and is a lot like me. I prefer other people's children to borrow than return. I also work with a couple of women that have fun filled lives without children. I would stick to your views and explain to him that he married you knowing full well that you do not want children and he should of backed out prior to marriage if he wanted some. It will be sad that your marriage might break up over this.

Answer 11

You are not wrong, but you and your hubby need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. He was deceitful for telling you in the beginning that he didn't care about kids, and you never should have said you'd have a child to make him happy. Tell him from me - a professional nurse and counsellor who's had kids of my own: Mister, a child will not make you happy, nor make you "more of a man." You do not need a child to "carry on the family name". A child is a life-long committment and your relationship with them never, but never, ends - even after they're grown up and on their own. They most certainly do change a couple's life - dramatically and permanently. They are expensive and their needs are constant. You cannot undertake any - that's ANY - activity whatsoever without first taking the kid(s) needs into account - and if their needs conflict, you stay the heck home instead of going out with your wife or out with the guys or any of that stuff. You'd better be ready to give up more than you can possibly imagine if you want to be a father - I've been there six times, dude, and I know what the hail I'm talking about. Now there are grandkids who need my help fairly frequently. You ready for all that? This woman of yours has given you a unique and magnificent gift - herself. You knew her feelings going in. Y'oughta be ashamed of yourself for giving her the business now!

And you, young lady: no, you aren't wrong. As I said to him, it is a very demanding, life-changing committment to choose to be a parent. They do grow up and eventually go out on their own - well, most of the time - and you do, eventually, get to have a life of your own. My youngest is now 25 and employed out of state, and the Mrs. and I do a great many things together - fortunately, we have a great deal in common besides the kids/grandkids. While a nice brownstone in the city and a cozy country home and an annual trip abroad are out of the question, we do manage to find enough to keep us occupied and make us welcome at many venues.

As for "feeling maternal". I've been in the profession for over forty years, and counselled a LOT of couples - and a good many young women don't "feel maternal". For those that do, excellent. More power to them. But a good many of those who chose not to have children have had happy and productive lives and been valuable members of their communities. Some of them, occasionally, do wonder what life might have been like had they chosen the path of motherhood - but I have not, in my forty years as a professional, met ONE who deeply and permanently regretted her choice. Several did have marriages that ended because the partner decided he had to have kids. Most of those women found other men eventually - men who accepted her choice and decided they could live with it.

You two need to have that talk soon. If you can't agree, then the sooner you end the charade, the easier it's gonna be for the both of you. And to your man: No recriminations, bub; you knew her choice going in. She's giving you another gift - the chance to back out gracefully. If the two of you choose that route - see that you indeed do it gracefully. I'll accept your thanks in lieu of the eighty bucks an hour I usually charge for counselling...