I just found out that one of my best friends has cancer. They gave her 5 months... What can I do to help her?

Question

Like the question said, I just found out that a close friend has cancer. I don't know what to do or say. I just feel like breaking down, but I wanna be strong for her. If anyone (ANYONE!!) can offer just the smallest little bit of advice for me or her, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much...

Answer 1

If she's physically able, take her to the mall, take her to the park, do the same activities you used to enjoy together before this nightmare started. When we got my mom's diagnosis, she was asymptomatic, felt great, other than the headache and blurred vision caused by the brain tumor, but they took that out and afterwards she was back to walking like a mile a day...until they got her on chemo. That's when she declined...rapidly...But boy, we hit that mall, me, her, my daughter (who was pregnant with my granddaughter at the time, mom left us before our Katie was born, sadly), did mega window-shopping, bought a few extravagences for mom, "just because," like her favorite perfume. She made me promise to spray that on her each day if she ever got to a comatose state, because she wanted to smell nice all the way to the end. I fulfilled that promise. If your friend has something that's a favorite of hers, like an expensive perfume or lipstick, or has a favorite restaurant, get that for her or take her there. If she can't travel, say, to a restaurant, get her favorite meal from there and serve it up to her at home or in the hospital or wherever she is. Videotape conversations with her, and explain to her that you're doing that for your own good, and it will make her feel like she has a purpose. It will make her feel like she can still contribute something.

Be as involved in her care as she will let you be. If she doesn't want you involved, then don't push for it. Respect her wishes above all else. Let her know that she IS in control of her life, regardless of her medical condition. It's all about her now. Remember that. That will help you have fond memories of your last months together, that you could bring some happiness and contentment into her life, in your own special way. Listen to her, let her talk to you, let her tell you what she's afraid of, what's she's not afraid of, what she regrets, what she's proud of. Make notes either while she's telling you or immediately after you leave her company if it makes her uneasy for you to do that. It'll help, believe me. I read over my notes from my conversations with mom from time to time. It often brings a smile to my face, jarring a happy memory of our final time together.

I hope this helps. Truly I do. Best to you.

Answer 2

First of all contact the American Cancer Society and get the most information you can on the type of cancer she has. Secondly, when given a diagnosis and told you only have 5 months of survival, I know is devastating. My father was diagnosed in December and the outlook was not good for him. He is doing amazing and responding to treatment very well. I can only tell you that there have been numerous people that have been given that diagnosis and live much longer. Find out all the info you can. Be there for your friend and even if you are not sure what to say, just being there physically is just as good. Sometimes, they will be the one to do the talking and even may be stronger than you. Just listen to her, comfort her, do little things to show her you care. And tell her from me....believe in miracles....and to think positive.. I wish your friend the best. I am a cancer survivor, and can understand what your friend is going through!!!! Bless you both

Answer 3

I'm really sorry to hear that your friend is going through this and the family as well. I think it is wonderful that you want to be there for your friend. Another thought to the pets thing pet boarding. It may not be the most luxurious places for them, being that our pets our just like kids to us, too, but in these circumstances since it's an emergency type of thing, maybe look up pet daycare services, sometimes it's not well known, but you can do a search for one locally. Being military ourselves, we've traveled plenty and 6 hours is probably the farthest I've driven by myself (from Killeen, TX to Leesville, LA) to visit family, so if you and your hubby are driving together, you can split the drive. You'd be surprised how much worth the drive it will be. Another thought is that if in your local area there is no pet daycare services offered, whether by a business (e.g.: vet, grooming services, training schools, etc.) or privately (a neighbor's kid, teenagers looking for summer job is a biggie, etc.) look up and see if on the way to your friends if there's a daycare or boarding school. If anything, you drive with your pets (except the horse, of course, no pun intended) part of the way and pick them up on the way back. I hope all works out, you do what you can to be there, otherwise, try to schedule a time where you can be there after to help with the kids and be a support to her family. They will appreciate that just the same. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers that all works out well.

Answer 4

First of all...doctors don't know everything. When I was diagnosed with brain cancer, the statistics indicated that I would live for 10 months. Well, it's been almost 10 YEARS! I would definitely encourage your friend to get a second opinion.
Don't worry about reminding her that she has cancer. She's not likely to forget. Be your normal self. Don't be afraid to laugh. Humor is a wonderful thing, even if you find it in something that a "normal" person wouldn't. Follow her lead. Share your feelings. In my opinion, as a cancer survivor, it is perfectly okay to cry with her. There were many days when I was home alone that I wished someone was there to cry with me. Whatever you do, don't avoid her because you don't know what to say or do. That is the worst thing you can do.

Answer 5

Let her do the talking - as much as she wants; be there for HER.

I found this article to be very good and true. When I was diagnosed I had people in each of the groups.

http://www.cancerlynx.com/angels_bolters...

It is very hard to get your mind around "terminal cancer"; it is a huge set of words. Everyone goes through life thinking that they will live to a 100 or so then a guy in a white coat comes in and tells you that your "demise" is right around the corner.

By being there for her, you are helping her; she will have "lots" of open issues that he want to clean up and she needs to talk to someone; it may be you, it may not. As I said, let her run the conversation.

And remember; docs can be wrong, 5 months can stretch to 10.

Here is a resource from hospice net - for the friend of someone who is dieing; hope it helps

Peace be with you and your Friend,

Jewells
29 months and still here

Answer 6

As someone who's stared down the posibility of not surviving cancer, I have to say don't pressure her. There are days she'll want to laugh and have a good time and days she wants to be left alone. Make sure she knows you're there for her anytime she needs you, but realize that she's going to need time alone to cry and reflect on what lies ahead.

Depending on the type of cancer, you could also research clinical trials that are being done. Many doctors just give up when FDA approved drugs fail, but there are many drugs out there that are working wonders, they're just not on the market yet. If they say she only has 5 months anyway, what could it hurt to look?

High dose chemotherapy and a stem cell transplant saved my life and just ten years ago it was in it's trial stages. Now they're fairly common and saving patients with blood cancers.

Answer 7

As a person diagnosed with cancer myself I know how lonely the battle against cancer can get. The best thing that you can do is to be there with her. You don't have to stop your own life for her. Just continue living the way you always do, but always try to spend some time with her if you can. Its ok to cry in front of people diagnosed with cancer we already know how bad our situation is. You don't have to avoid any topic tell her how you feel and I know she'll tell you how she feels too. This is no time to hold back any feelings that you may have because time is short and she may not be there for long. I know I would want people I know and care for to tell how they really feel. I find it awkward when people try to avoid talking about my situation in front of me or when they wait for me to bring it up. Just talk to her. It doesn't need to be dramatic or anything just let her know your there and it will be greatly appreciated believe me people in her situation need it.

Answer 8

I dont know that any advice is appropriate at this time. She needs to go through the grieving process right now, and isnt to the stage of advice. Just be there for her, hold her hand, cry with her, be her friend as you ever would have been and dont treat her any differently than you ever did. Make the last months of her life as normal as possible. That will help her alot Ill bet. Good luck, Im sorry to hear of your news.

Answer 9

I've been thru this several times. Be with her. Talk with her. If you want to cry, cry in front of her, why not? It shows you care, and she will be moved by it. Now is the time to let your emotions show with her, love her. Listen when she talks and be understanding with her. She may need to talk about alot of things. Just being with her will be enough, it's not so much what you say or do, just being in the same room quietly with her will be a real good thing.
Laugh with her too, if you can find a joke a day take it to her, talk about goofy things you've done together, or funny things you remember about her.

Answer 10

There's nothing wrong with crying for her and with her! It's honest and truthful and safe. Let her kind of guide most of the interactions - it's her time. Think of something that you two wanted to do together and put off. Ask her how you can best be there for her - think this over completely - before you commit yourself - don't commit to anything you can't see thru to the end.
Honestly, truthfully, unselfishness, strength, lots of Kleenex - when you're more in control of you - make time to talk together alone - so she can share how you can be there for her.
There will be times to cry together - times she will need to cry alone with you there - times she will cry alone and want to be alone. Be sensitive.
After crying - get up get yourselves together go do something - if possible!
Take pictures - write in a journal - share - have Hope - she may be here longer than the doctor diagnosed.
HOPE!