funny jokes or something random?

Question

hi! i am like in a real bad mood right now cause this bit.ch called me an Mutt cause i she got pis.sy with me and bit.ched and stuff. so i am in a bad mood! tell me funny jokes or something random to lighten my mood up cause if i don't get in a better mood i might cuss out my parents then i will get grounded again

you know what, Hot as H.ell? you are an a.ss! i can beat you up in a second! you wanna bet on it? cause i can bite your head off if i wanted too!

Answer 1

Joke:

Fred doesn't know how to speak proper english so he says words wrong.

So Fred walks to the dollar store and asks "May I have some bum?" The store clerk says "Do you mean gum?". Then the man says "Yes" and buys it. Then Fred goes to the hardware store and askes "Can I have a F**ket?" Then the store clerk says "Do you mean bucket?" Fred says "Yes" and buys it. Then he goes to the pet store and asks "Do you have a Cock n spanket?" Then the store clerk says "Do you mean cockerspaniol?" Then he says "Yes" and buys it.

So one day his cockerspaniol ran away and he saw a policeman walking out of the park. He asks the police man "Can you hold my bum and f**ket while I get my cock n spanket?"


Random Saying:

I'm stuck in the toilet and I don't know how to get out.

Answer 2

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Answer 3

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Answer 4

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
Do not trust all little Old Ladies

Answer 5

this burgler broke into this house and was trying to look around in the dark to find something of value... then alls he could hear was someone saying," Jesus is watching you..." Scared and bewildered the burgler looks frantically for an exit.... he can't see so he is trying to feel his way to the light switch and again he hears, " Jesus is watching you..." Suddenly he finds the light switch turns it on and finds a parot and a wrotweiler sitting in the room... the parot says,"Jesus is watching you..." the burgler chuckles at the animals and starts looking for something to take in the light.... Then he sees the dog's collor with the name Jesus on it and the parot says,"Sick 'em Jesus!!!"

Answer 6

After a long night of making love, a man notices a photo of another man on his girlfriend's nightstand by the bed.He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asksNo,silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your other boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to bereassured "No, no, no!!!" she answers "Well, who in the hell is he?", he demands."That's me before the surgery

Answer 7

I still aint scared of you.I am tough.I dont need to be scared of some lil girl who gets there friend to beat someone up for them.What you scared to fight me yourself?

Answer 8

Question. Do you know why cannibals do not eat clowns?

Answer. They taste funny.

Answer 9

tony danza singing at your next birthday party.

Answer 10

if jack helped you off a horse,
would you help jack off a horse??