I need someone to.........?

Question

MAKE ME LAUGH!!? JOKES..?.I Dont care..Can you make me laugh please.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH LMAO!

Answer 1

Someone in my class told me this.
I'm sorry if you support Bush but............anyways.

Bush was stranded on an island and a genie came to him and said,"You have two wishes. What is your first wish?" Bush said,"I wish I was back in the White House." Poof...He was in the White House. The genie said," What is your second wish?" Then Bush said," I Wish my people were happy." Poof...He was back at the island.

This is a Blond and Brunette joke:

A Brunette goes to this Blond's house. The Brunette walked out in the backyard and saw the Blond's dog. She walk back in the house and says,"why is your dog wearing a watch?" The blond answers back," It has to wear a watch. Its a watchdog."

here are many your mama jokes.....(sorry if you get tired reading them)

Yo Mama So Stupid
Yo mama so stupid I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder

Yo mama so stupid she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

Yo mama so stupid she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!

Yo mama so stupid it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama so stupid when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

Yo mama so stupid she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

Yo mama so stupid she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

Yo mama so stupid she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

Yo mama so stupid she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

Yo mama so stupid she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

Yo mama so stupid she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

Yo mama so stupid she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

Yo mama so stupid I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

Yo mama so stupid she invented a silent car alarm.

Yo mama so stupid hat when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

Yo mama so stupid she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

Yo mama so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

Yo mama so stupid she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

Yo mama so stupid she lost her shadow.

Yo mama so stupid she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

Yo mama so stupid she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo mama so stupid when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'

Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo mama so ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo mama so ugly she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

Yo mama so ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

Yo mama so ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

Yo mama so ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo mama so ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

Yo mama so ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye...

Yo mama so ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo mama so ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo mama so ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

Yo mama so ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo mama so ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo mama so ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo mama so ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo mama so ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo mama so ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo mama so ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo mama so ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo mama so ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo mama so ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo mama so ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo mama so ugly they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

Yo mama so ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo mama so ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo mama so ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

Yo mama so ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

Your Mama So Fat
Your mama so fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

Your mama so fat she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

Your mama so fat folk exercise by jogging around her!

Your mama so fat when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

Your mama so fat she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

Your mama so fat she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

Your mama so fat NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

Your mama so fat she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

Your mama so fat small objects orbit her.

Your mama so fat she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

Your mama so fat when I tell her to haul ***, she gotta make two trips.

Your mama so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

Your mama so fat she lost a game at Hide & Seek only cause I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

Your mama so fat when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

Your mama so fat she could be the eighth continent.

Your mama so fat she nearly put Safeway out of business

Your mama so fat the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

Your mama so fat her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

Your mama so fat when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

Your mama so fat she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

Your mama so fat her fave food is seconds.

Your mama so fat her belt size is Equator.

Your mama so fat she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

Your mama so fat she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

Your mama so fat she shows up on radar.

Your mama so fat she needs a map to find her butt.

Your mama so fat she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

Your mama so fat she wears an asteroid belt.

Your mama so fat her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

Your mama so fat she has TB ... 2 bellys.

Your mama so fat she's once, twice, three times a lady.

Your mama so fat she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

Your mama so fat the circus use her as a trampoline

Your mama so fat stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

Your mama so fat when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

Your mama so fat she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

Your mama so fat she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

Your mama so fat she deep fries her toothpaste.
Yo Moma So Poor
Yo mama so poor that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama so poor they put her photo on food stamps.

Yo mama so poor when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

Yo mama so poor she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

Yo mama so poor burglars break into her home and leave money.

Yo mama so poor when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

Yo mama so poor the building society repossed her cardboard box.

Yo mama so poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Yo mama so poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

Yo mama so poor she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

Yo mama so poor I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

Yo mama so poor when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

Yo mama so poor I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

Yo mama so poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

Yo mama so poor I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

Yo mama so poor only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

Yo mama so poor when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

Yo mama so poor she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

Yo mama so poor closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

Yo mama so poor she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

Yo mama so poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

Yo mama so poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

Yo mama so poor she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

Yo mama so poor when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"

Yo Mama So Old
Yo mama so old she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

Yo mama so old Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

Yo mama so old when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

Yo mama so old she still owes Moses a dollar.

Yo mama so old when she was at school...there was No history class!

Yo mama so old she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

Yo mama so old she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

Yo mama so old when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

Yo mama so old she even made Yoda jealous.

Yo mama so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

Yo mama so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

Yo mama so old when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

Yo mama so old she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

Yo mama so old her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

Yo mama so old her birthday expired.

Yo mama so old when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

Yo mama so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

Yo Mama Like
Yo mama like a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.

Yo mama like a bus - only 50 pence a ride

Yo mama like a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.

Yo mama like a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...

Yo mama like a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

Yo mama like an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

Yo mama like a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!

Yo mama like the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.

Yo mama like a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.

Yo mama like Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes...it's free.

Yo mama like a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...

Yo mama like a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

Yo mama like McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...

Yo mama like a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.

Yo mama like the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her

Yo mama like a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

Yo mama like peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.

Yo Mama so Smelly
Yo Mama so smelly the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

Yo Mama so smelly she made Right Guard call for backup.

Yo Mama so smelly even the dogs won't smell her.

Yo Mama so smelly an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"

Yo Mama so smelly that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...

Yo Mama so smelly she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

Yo Mama so smelly her poo is glad to escape.

Yo Mama so smelly that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

Yo Mama so smelly that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

Yo Mama so smelly that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...

Yo Mama so smelly even sewer rats get outta her way...

Yo Mama so smelly that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...

Yo Mama So Dirty

Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on the bath water.

Yo mama so dirty that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

Yo mama so dirty that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

Yo mama so dirty she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

Yo mama so dirty that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

Yo mama so dirty that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.

Yo Mama so Greasy
Yo mama so greasy Texaco buy oil from her

Yo mama so greasy she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...

Yo mama so greasy her freckles slipped off.

Yo mama so greasy the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

Yo mama so greasy she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed

Yo mama so greasy her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

Yo mama so greasy she uses bacon as a band aid.

Answer 2

George Bush was teaching a 3rd grade spelling class. He said they were going to be learning the word " tragedy " He asked is anyone could give an example of a tragedy. One boy raised his hand and said a school bus filled with kids that blew up would be a tragedy, but george said " no that would be a bad accident" one girl raised her hand and said " a guy that fell off a cliff would be a tragedy" but george said no that would be suicide. Then proudly this other little boy raised his hand his hand and said " a plane that had you and your wife in it and it crashed would be a tragedy" and george said Yes that would be a tragedy. can you tell me why? the boy said it wouldnt be a bad accident and it wouldnt be suicide either.

Answer 3

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

Answer 4

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 5

Subject: FW: Never Argue With A Woman


> Never Argue with a Woman
>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
>decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
>decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
>and reads her book.
>
>Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
>and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>
>"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
>
>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
>any

>moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
>woman.
>
>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start at any moment."
>
>"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Answer 6

Look, I am not your Court Jester ... OK?

I guarantee that if the humour is good, we shall make each other laugh!

You know where to go for tikits... if you like British Banter (fairly respeckful, like) you know where to apply :).

Just tell me one thing: Why is it you said:

Additional Details

2 hours ago
HAHAHAHAHAHAH LMAO!

and the first answer was 3 hours ago? (Or am I missing something?)

Yeah, Yeah ... OK it's Yahoo again!

Answer 7

k a blind guy stands up in his chair and yells any one want to hear a blonde joke? the person next to him says before u tell that joke let me tell u something: im 6'2" pushing 200 lbs the guy next to u is bout 6'5" pushing 235 and the bar tender is 6 foot pushin bout 190 lbs and we are all blonde u still wanna tell that joke? the blinde guy says nah not if im gonna have to explaine it more than three times!

Answer 8

a buisness man was going out of town for a meeting and was afraid thatwhile he was gone his wife would get bored and have an affair so he went to a voodoo store in search of something to keep her busy so he told the owner about his situation so he gave the man a voodoo dick and told him in order for it to work "you must say voodoo dick and say the place you want it to go" so the man rushed home to give it to the wife, told her how it worked then left.
The moment he was gone the wife said "voodoo dick my pussy" and it got to work. by the time she got tired she relized her husband did not tell her how to make it stop so the lady jumpped into her car and drove as fast as she could to get to the hospital. only on her way ther she was stopped by a cop and she kindly said "officer i really need to get to the hospital it is an emergency" and the cop responds "well tell me what it is and i may let you go" so she began "my husband is a buisiness man and he left town for a meeting, he was afraid i would have an affair so he bought me a voodoo dick and forgot to tell me how to stop it so i need to get to the hospital to have it removed" and before she could finish the cop laughs and stares at her for a while then says "voodoo dick my ***"

Answer 9

there is a blonde who gets pulle dover by a blonde police..the cop asks for her license..the blonde looks through her purse..and asks whats it look like, the cop says its a rectangular thing you can see yourself in..so the blonde looks through her purse again and pulls out a mirror looks in it and shows it to the cop..the cop says oh i didnt know you were a cop go on ahead

Answer 10

its very long and you'll laugh

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why dosen't it rain on you?

Roses are red, Violents are blue monkeys
like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.


A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro,
and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok.
In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.
Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a friend.

Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues...
And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."


First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."
You sweet Girl; Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

Answer 11

If Fanny Craydock married David Weir would that make her Fanny Weir?