My soon to be mother in law is driving me crazy, and shes not even helping pay for the wedding!!! Help!!!?

Question

She's a drama queen. Everytime I do anything regarding the wedding, she calls me or writes me to tell me Im in the wrong. She has no regard to how she says things and no regard to how things really are, she even makes things up. On top of it, she sends what she feels is going on to my soon to be husband; who is in the service and has no control over anything and will only worry. The latest issue is over bridesmaids regarding dresses. Her daughter and I had gone to David's Bridal together a few months back and picked them out together. When I went back yesterday to purchase my sisters and my maid of honors (whose my best friend), the dresses were no longer available for order and are dicontinued. I purchased the only 2 they had left, both dresses were the perfect size for my sister and my best friend. When I got home, I called her to ask if she would mind if I asked her to not be in the wedding due to the dress being no longer available. Her mom freaked and left nasty messages to me.

She was supposed to order her own dress, I only payed for my sisters; my best friend paying me back for the one I bought her. My soon to be sister in law was supposed to be married next year but bumbed her wedding date to last month. She is not the only person I am asking to no longer be part of the wedding party, there are 3 others. Im not trying to be mean, I have always done my best to be friends with the mother. I used to live with her but I moved out in Feb becuase of an on going problem I was having with her husband. He doesnt have any respect for my privacy. The soon to be sister and law and I are really good friends and we are working things out fine, its the mother Im having issues with. She is very passive aggressive and she always makes me feel like **** and that she doesnt want me to marry her son, but then also tells me Im her favorite of her childrens significant others and she wants to work things out. I have tried just being little miss perfect and doing what she wants.

Everytime I try to just pretend she did nothing to upset me and ignore like my fiancee asks me to, I just get more depressed about the whole thing and I try to put the past behind us but when we talk baout wedding things, she throws comments in like "your better not upset me like you did the day you told me you were moving out". I didnt even got to pick out the church to be married in. She picked ito ut and then gave me greif at home and at my job about me letting her know that my fiancee wanted me to look around at other churches. He asked me to just go ahead with the church she wanted, so that she would stop complaining to him about me wanting to look at other churches.

I have already made amends with my soon to be sister in law. She and I are really great friends, and I was short more than one dress. I try really ahrd to make everyone happy and I feel overwhelmed. I talk to my mom and my aunt dawn and they know how things really are. My fiancee knows his mom is a drama queen and asks me to try to keep her happy for now and just keep any of my hurt feelings between me and him. The only reason I call her is for wedding addresses for which I needed like 2 weeks ago and I finally got yesterday. I have a cap on the number of people who can attend the wedding due to costs and my mom asked me to talk to my soon to be mother in law about it. My soon to be mother in law was not pleased at all when I saked if there was anyone that we could take off the wedding list, as we had already taken over 50 off ours.

She had the same number of people when we started as on the list that I had created. My list is now down to only the people who are actually helping me and vrey little of my family including my dads parents and a couple of my aunts and uncles ( I have over 20 but am only inviting 4). The only friend I am inviting is in my wedding, I cut out my friends whom I would love to have come.

The dress was fully avaibale in every size and color when we picked it out. I am looking into other bridal shops for the same color and vendor. This is not about the dress itself, this is about resolving my issues with my soon to be mother in law without having to cut her from our future. I really like her and we used to get along great. I just want what we used to have back. I've tried talking to her and I've tried starting over but we never succeed on a new level.

I dont want to hear that Im some ignorant person who has no feelings, I really care a whole lot. This is tearing me up and I feel like I have tried everything to make her happy. Including just settling on what she wants. I have heard that expression that when you try to make everyone happy, your end up not making anyone happy at all; well I feel like that. I've bent over backwards trying to make things work. When I do have important conversations trying to make things better, it somehow doesnt work out and I feel like she doesnt me and her son to be together, like that Im taking him away from her somehow. He is her favorite child and he has always been a great son to her; giving her money when she asks for it and talking to her when she needs someone to talk to.

I am going to pick out a different dress with my soon to be sister in law. My fiancee is on my side with the whole issue. I just feel like his mother is trying to break us up and she always makes me feel like crap. She's very passive aggressive and manipulative. I have written to my hubby and he is going to talk to her because at this point, I give up on trying to make her happy with me.

Answer 1

Your fiance's mother might be a wack job, but kicking somebody out of your wedding party is a massive insult. If you don't correct that, you'll be hearing about it for decades.

Answer 2

Well for the whole dress thing you should just find some dresses in a different style but in the same color. That is what I would have done or just found another dress. I agree that kicking someone out of the wedding is a massive insult. You should take them and let them pick out the dress that looks best on them but is the same color. About you MIL I dont have this problem, but I agree that she needs to back off some because she isnt paying for anything.

Answer 3

The single most important thing for you to remember is that this is your day - NOT YOUR MOTHER IN LAW'S! I'm sure you have heard the saying "you can't please everyone". Well, chances are, from everything you have said here, I don't think you'll ever please her.

If she refuses to cut people from her guest list, your fiance will have to and if he refuses to, just start cutting yourself. I'm figuring that your family is probably paying for a lot of this wedding and as such, you have more control over the guest list than she does. As for the dresses, the people who are directly affected are the one's you need to be concerned about and from what I've read here, they all understand the situation.

Chances are, from what you have said here, this mother-in-law is having problems giving up control. Your fiance was her favourite and that's always tough to give up. I've worked on plenty of weddings where that is the case and sometimes it gets better after the wedding and sometimes it doesn't. The lucky thing for you is that your fiance recognizes this. If it doesn't get any better after the wedding, he won't be blind to the situation and whatever resolution you may have to take - including cutting her out of your lives. I hope for your sake that it does not come to that but it is a possibility that you may need to address in the future. I'm not exactly sure what your "ongoing problem with her husband" is, but if your future mother-in-law doesn't want to admit that the problem exists and that it is the reason why you moved out in the first place, than this could be where the problem started. She may be thinking that you are a bit of a drama queen - even though I think that couldn't be further from the truth.

In the end, the only advice I can give you is to plan the wedding the way you want to plan it. Use your sister and your maid of honour and your family as support when your future mother-in-law pushes your buttons. If she gives you too many hassles, tackle her with them but have backup with you when you do it. I hope you can get yourself through this - happy planning. If you have any other questions, feel free to check out the website below and get in touch.

Answer 4

Well, that really sucks because there isn't much you can do about it without starting a fight, but I wouldnt take it. Its your wedding, not hers. If your sister-in-law is ok with not being in the wedding then thats fine, even though I do think you should have picked different dresses if possible. If not then oh well, not everything in life works out as planned. I would talk to your future husband. Its not right of him to tell you to try and keep her happy for now. Its not your job to keep her happy. Tell her next time she says something that until shes paying for it, its none of her concern. Dont let her push you around because if you do, she'll be doing this the rest of her life.

Answer 5

Like most, I feel you def have to find a dress for the sister-in-law. You can't just kick her out over the dress. And try not to communicate so much with the Mother. If she is not paying then she really doesn't need to be contacted, besides regarding guest names and addresses. Do some research fast and find a dress for the sister, apologize for maybe overreacting a bit and move on. Wedding planning is stressful, try to keep it simple and remember the only people who really care about the colors, the cake, the dress, the look, are you and your fiance. If your parents are helping then they probably just care the most about what makes you happy and how much it cost.

Answer 6

First step is to get in touch with your fiancee and let him know that you will keep him posted on the wedding details, but to disregard whatever his mothers tells him until he can verify it with you.
Second, you need to APPOLOGIZE to your future sister-in-law right away! Not a good move to exclude her just because of a dress! Either find new dresses, or have everyone in a different style of the same color. (your bridemaids will probably like this idea, as they will get to choose {with your approval} the dress that is most flattering to them)
Finally, I would suggest writing a letter to your future mother-in-law that you realize you made a mistake where the sister is involved. You can also gently tell her that while you would love for her to be involved in the wedding planning, it is obviously too stressful for her and from here on out you want the event to be a surprise for her to enjoy. That way, you have an excuse for not letting her in on any details!

You don't owe her anything since she isn't contributing financially, and it takes a major point of contention out of your relationship. You have to understand that most mommies feel there is no woman good enough for their little boys, so until the deed is done (aka, the ring is on your finger and the license is signed) she may be doing all she can to either test you or chase you away. Hopefully she'll chill out after the wedding is done, and you can rebuild your relationship. If not, you're better off without her intereferring in your lives and now is the time to draw the line in the sand!
Good Luck!

Answer 7

okay, hmm. what would I do? I would try to find a dress that would work even if it dont match perfectly. Tell, your sister in law sorry. Then tell your fiancee to tell his mom to butt out or you will. It's not her business it's your day. Just go though the list of your people and forget hers it's not her wedding. You invite your friends and family and the same for his. Close ones only. Why invite people that may not even know you guys well possibly. Why would you let her make a list for your wedding anyways? you should have had hubby tell you his people and you put yours thats all.

Answer 8

In my book it was wrong of you to kick her out of your wedding party because you jumped the gun on the dresses. After learning that the dresses were discontinued and they only had 2 left, you still bought the two, when you should have really just found a different dress. I understand the drama you have with your FMIL, as I had the same issues. But I have learned to just not share any details with her unless she asks, and when she does, I inform her that the decisions have already been made. Just keep wedding convo short and sweet.

Answer 9

First of all it's YOUR wedding and not her's. She absolutely has no say in any of the details. We your fiance overseas it makes it hard to have him put his foot down with his mother. But assuming he does communicate with her-He needs to let her know that she's stepping on your toes and to butt out.

As far as the dresses go. It seems wrong to ask someone to be in your wedding party and then tell them they can't because a certain dress in unavailable. That's rather shallow of you. There are ways to solve the problem. 1) pick a similar dress in the same color. 2) if you are having say a total of 4 or 6 bridesmaids then have each two wear a different style of dress, keeping with your color choice of course. ( I remember my Mother-In-Law showing me their wedding photos and each bridesmaid had a different dress. It really looked nice).

But the real issue is your future mother in law. If your fiance doesn't tell her to back off now she'll be butting in in every situation in your lives.

Answer 10

First of all if you had gone to pick out dresses with your sister in-law and she was part of the wedding party to begin with it's only right to make sure you are able to get her dress also. I understand about meddling in-law I haven't spoken to mine in three years boy I don't miss it. Any way perhaps if you can get the same color similar style for your sister in law and put you foot down and tell your fiance to man up cause she's stressing over things that she should not be involved in being that she's not contributing to the expense of it all.

Answer 11

I only read bits & pieces of that...sorry

You are really upset-this is supposed to be a happy time & it's YOUR wedding not hers...

What does your to be hubby have to say...you don't want to be married to someone who is a big mama's boy...(don't know so sorry if I'm wrong here)

His mom is always going to be there, you need to be sure you want to marry this guy...

The bible even says a man leaves his parents & takes a woman to be his wife...YOU TWO are starting a family you need to make sure his loyalties are with YOU & he'll stand up for you & tell her how it is...because she'll be the grandmother of your children one day trying to raise your children her way....

LOOK AT THE BIG picture before you go through with this wedding, sounds like if you postponed it for a few months it wouldn't hurt it may give time to sort things out....