Does anyone know a joke?

Question

tell me a joke any joke and if it makes me wet myself with laughter you'll get the ten.

Answer 1

Friendship
A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."
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This is what marriage is about:
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered....

"THE TEETH"
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Why I Fired My Secratary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
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How Much Do You Love Your Mother?...
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The 7-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
Women who died in the service."Soberly, they just stood together,
staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear, asked,

"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

Answer 2

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the waiter brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what . . ., we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the > hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but...if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Answer 3

The Parrot Boy

An old man is sitting on a bench in central park when a teenager with a rainbow hair-dyed mohawk spiked up like a punk rocker and a nose ring sits down next to him.

The man begins to stare at him for a long time in shock.

Then the teenager says, "What you looking at old man?"

The man replys, "Nothing, nothing."

Again the man begins to stare at him for a long time and the teen says, "What's your problem, old man, you never did anything crazy when you were a kid?"

The old man replies, "Yeah, the thing is when I was a teen I got real, real drunk and f_u_c_k_e_d a parrot, and I was thinking that you might be my son."

Answer 4

there were three man in the forest when they came 2 a cannibal he said if u each pick 10 fruits and come back i will tell u what 2 do the first man came back with 10 mangos and the cannibal said shuv it up ur but with out making an expression he couldnt bare not 2 scream so he died so the second guy came with 10 blue berries the 2nd man said this should be easy so he stuck it up his butt and on the 9th one he laughed and died the 1st and second guy met in heaven and the first guy said y did u laugh u almost had it than the 2nd guy said i couldnt help it i saw the 3rd with pineapples.

Answer 5

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

Answer 6

Why cant you tell a joke to an egg?
Because it will crack up!

Who was the best dancer at the monster dance?
The BOOGIE man!

Answer 7

There were two muffins in a microwave and one says "It's hott in here." And the other one says "WHOA! It's a talking muffin!"

Answer 8

IT WAS SHOW AND TELL DAY AT THE SCHOOL AND THE LITTLE BOY BROUGHT HIS CAT.
THE TEACHER ASKED,"WHY DID YOU BRING YOUR CAT TODAY?"
THE BOY SAID, " I FEEL BAD FOR MY KITTY.."
"WHY??" THE TEACHER ASKED.
"BECAUSE LAST NIGHT...
I HEARD MY SISTER'S BOYFRIEND SAYING,
I AM GOING TO EAT YOU PUSSY".




THIS ONE IS HILARIOUS.

THREE GAY GUYS WERE IN A HOT TUB AND A USED CONDOM BUBBLED UP AT THE SURFACE.
SO ONE OF THE GAY GUY ASKED," WHO FARTED??"

LOL..


.WHAT DID ONE TAMPON SAY TO THE OTHER?
NOTHING.
THEY WERE BOTH STUCK UP *****!

Answer 9

(I made this up) How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: four. one to turn it and three to brush her hair while she takes breaks!

Answer 10

guess how many fingers i have ??
eight! and two thumbs!

lmao . from The Ringer.