jokes jokes and more jokes!?

Question

I need jokes really funny ones and as many as you have best one might win 10 points

Answer 1

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"


Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"


So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

Th e next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how
good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"


Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"


Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."


"What's that?"


"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

Answer 2

Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other ***** little boys up the ***.

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.

Q. What's Bill Clinton's idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.

Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

Q. How come Mike Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.

Q. What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.

Q. What's the difference between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.

Q. How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the other is a plastic bag.

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.

Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does Bill Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

Answer 3

A blonde, A burnette & a redhead go into the bar. They sit down and have a few drinks they ask if they can use the restroom. The barkeep says sure, but beware the magical mirror. If you state something thats true you will be rewarded. If you state something untrue you will get sucked into the mirror.
The burnette goes in first she looks into the mirror and says shes the smartest girl in the bar. She is rewarded with a brand new computer. The redheaad goes in next and says that she has the prettiest hair in the bar. she is rewarded with a brand new car. Finally the blonde goes in and says to the mirror I think.... and POOF shes sucked into the mirror.


Okay this one is really gross.....
A guy goes into a bar and asks for 5 shots of vodka straight up. The barkeep lines them up in front of him and he pounds each one. The barkeep asks whats the occasion? The guy answered first bj. The barkeep says congrats. The guy says thanks, I didn't think Id ever get the taste out of my mouth.


An ape goes into a bar, sits down and asks for a beer. The barkeep is just amazed and gets the ape his drink. The ape says thank you and hands him a $20. The barkeep wants to see just how smart this ape is and hands him $1 as change. Making smalltalk the barkeep says we don't get many apes in here. The ape says @ $19.00 a drink he isn't surprised.

Answer 4

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?

Oh em gee. What a moron.

Answer 5

God and the Harley Davidson Inventor


Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 6

Someone in my class told me this.
I'm sorry if you support Bush but............anyways.

Bush was stranded on an island and a genie came to him and said,"You have two wishes. What is your first wish?" Bush said,"I wish I was back in the White House." Poof...He was in the White House. The genie said," What is your second wish?" Then Bush said," I Wish my people were happy." Poof...He was back at the island.



This is a Blond and Brunette joke:

A Brunette goes to this Blond's house. The Brunette walked out in the backyard and saw the Blond's dog. She walk back in the house and says,"why is your dog wearing a watch?" The blond answers back," It has to wear a watch. Its a watchdog."

Answer 7

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Answer 8

A young man is waiting to purchase a train ticket. As he comes up to the window, where the ticket seller is a very well endowed woman, he says, "I'd like a ticket to Titsburgh... I mean Pittburgh." He is terribly embarrassed. The man behind hims pats him on the shoulder and tells him, "Son, it happens to everybody. Heck just the other night I meant to tell my wife, 'Please pass the salt', and out came, 'You've ruined my life, you goddam *****'."

Answer 9

there are 2 coins that =30 cents but one is not a nickle what is the other coin? a quarter

god was making gingerbread cookies 1 day and he put the first batch in the oven then he took them out they were white and doughy the secound batch goes in then he takes them out they're all burnt and then the third batch goes in then comes out and they are all perfect. white and doughy= white burnt=black perfect=mexican

Answer 10

A pirate walks into a bar. As he sits down to order a drink, the bartender notices a steering wheel sticking out of the pirate's trousers. He asks the pirate, "Did you know you have a steering wheel in your pantaloons?" The pirate responds, "Arrgh, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"