A little advice...?

Question

I just told my mom that I'm moving in with my fiance in august. She said if I do she will never speak to me again. I'm 23 years old and my mother is very over protective. When I try to talk to her she walks away even when I follow her. Am I making the right decision by moving out? I do want to live my own life and be happy. But I know my mom won't be.

My mother does like this guy very much...she even said to me that he has a good head on his sholders and is very goal oriented. She thinks that I'm choosing families.

My fiance and I have been engaged for a little over a year now and we have been together for almost two years now. My mother was sooo happy for me when I got engaged. I did write her a letter this week about how I've been feeling. She read it and didn't have anything to say about it. I'm getting tired of the childish games with her. It's been like this my whole life. And for the past 3 years she has been arguing with me every month now. And a few weeks ago she said she has no use for me anymore.

Answer 1

You are old enough to move out on your own. Your mother is being unfair. I'm in my 40s. I don't want my son to leave either but at the same time he has to grow and have his own life. Is there a reason she feels this way? I mean does she dislike this guy or something?

Answer 2

How long have you been engaged? That could be one issue she has about you leaving the nest. If it's only been a short time, say less then six months, I'd hold off. There may be things about your man tht she sees in him that she doesn't like, and she just wants what's best for her girl. (Despite your age, you'll always be mom's little girl.) However......
Since you're over 21 anyway, any decision you make is yours. You can always ask mom for advice, but the ultimate choice is yours. It has been for the last two years, at least.
Before you do decide to anything, you really should have a heart to heart. If she keeps walking away from you every time, follow her to a corner.

Think out ahead of time what you want to say. Practice first with a friend that you trust to use as a sounding board, preferably someone in your mom's age range to yeild the best results. Like an Aunt, Uncle, or god parent if you know them.
Don't get frustrated and start to raise your voice, stay calm, be confident, rational, and open minded.

Point out all the plusses, and minusses of moving out. This will show her that you have thought about what you're doing even if she doesn't agree with it. Don't expect her to respond right away, if she needs time to think about what you've said, just say your peace and YOU walk away (slowly). Trust me you'll get her attention, and she will want to finish the talk. Which means she'll want to have the last word. ( let her ). Now you're talking like adults should, and it wont even hit her. Years later she may wonder when it was you grew up so fast.

Answer 3

If you have to ask the question to someone else...."Am I making the right decision...." then perhaps you still need time to mature and figure out what it really is that you want, not what your mother wants. Parents are parents and they will always try their hardest to keep their children close to them. The question you should be asking yourself is "why she would never speak to you again" it seems that she is worried about something else other than the fact that something may happen to you. You should think about the pros and cons of leaving home very carefully before you make your decision. Also, your moving out with your fiancee, maybe your mom would like to see you married first before you move out. If that is the case then have you considered a civil marriage? As for choosing families in a sense you are choosing a new family...you and your fiancee will become a new family. Marriage is about creating a new family. You will always have close ties to each others respective families, but the ultimate goal is to have a great life with your partner and children, your family, when the time comes. Whatever you do explore all options and continue to try talking to your mom she'll come around eventually. If your mother loves you as much as she is over protective of you then she will always welcome you with open arms.

Answer 4

When are you getting married? That's probably what the whole thing is about and what your mom is thinking. Some people don't believe in living together before marriage.
She just wants what is best for you.

If your fiance is worth making your mom mad and causing a family argument then do it. I'd go for getting married and all will be good. Then if she still has a fit when you go to get married it will be her at fault and not you. That way nobody could say anything to you. You would be 100% right.
☺
OMG
Your in for it then if it's the family thing! Your mom will just have to learn to live with it.
When you go to leave. Tell her you love her and I don't won't to lose her. But you want to live your own life. She will come back around. If she throws up you are choosing family's tell her. I am not choosing my family or his family I'm starting a new family

You need to get married ASAP I'm not into the living together bit. But that's what I would do if I was set on moving in together.
Good Luck
Mom will get over it!
☺

Answer 5

I think your mom will see this move as loosing you rather than gaining some free space in the bathroom. If she's protective, then she might even feel that you have chosen him over her (which you have, but not in the way she means).

Try to show that you're thankful for all that she's done; the way she's brought you up, etc. Tell her that it will be a first step to you making your way in the world and a chance to prove to her how good a job she done.

Be very clear that she is welcome any time; get her involved and say that you'll need all her advice on keeping house etc. As long as she see's she'll still have a part to play, then maybe (just maybe) she might come round to the idea.

Heh... good luck with the new place; hope it all works out.

What ever you do, do ot pi** her off; cause every time you have a row with him (and there will be loads in the early days) you'll need your old room for a night; not the mention a shoulder to cry on.


JJ


.

Answer 6

Sometimes you have to do what is good for you. I have a Mom that does the same exact thing (so you are not alone, I feel your pain). The question you really should be asking yourself is are you ready for this giant leap. or are you using your Mom not speaking to you as an excuse? Cause I will tell you one thing my Mom has threatened many of a time never to speak to me again and as soon as i went on with my life and ignored her rediculous attitude she came around. Does she have something against you Fiance? If she does maybe you should talk to her about this and let her know that he is the one you love and nothing in this world is going to change that. And that you love her, and that he is not stealing you away from her. Tell her you will be around for her always. You have to show her that you are an adult and can make decisions for yourself. And communicate with her on this level, not as Mother and Daughter but as friends. If she still is being stubborn then my advice would be to tell her that you are going to move on with your life and move in wiht your fiance and if she ever wants to talk to you she knows where to contact you. this leaves the ball in her court and takes the stress off you. You can only do so much, but if a person wants to be stubborn they have to work that out for themselves. So I say go on with your life and no doubt your Mom will always be there for you. After all she is your Mother! Good Luck!

Answer 7

You are definitely old enough to live own your own and make your own decisions. You should talk to her and ask her to explain why she won't talk to you if you move out. Ask her to tell you what she is feeling and why. I am almost 20 and have been living with my fiance for over a year now. You could also just move out and let her get over it. It depends on how you feel about your mom. If you don't care if she's mad at you for a while, then move. But I would try to talk to her first. You never know what she'll say or how she's feeling until you ask. Good luck!

Answer 8

I had a very similar situation - my mother and father said if I moved in with my fiance' that they wouldn't pay for our wedding like they had originally said they would. I told them that was fine because he and I were going to get married regardless of if it was a big wedding like we were planning or a small something at the justice of the peace. After a little while, they came around and all was well. Sometimes I think it's difficult for parents to let go of their children, and they just want to protect us from getting hurt. You are old enough to make your own decisions, and live your own life - I'm sure your mother will come around with time.

Answer 9

I think your mother is probably having a hard time letting her little girl go. If you two are engaged then I don't see a problem with you moving in together. Does your mother not like your fiance? Are their financial reasons why your mother thinks you shouldn't move in together? I wouldn't move out until you can get a chance to get your mother to stop walking away and talk to you. Maybe ask her why she does not want you to move out. Ask her her opinion. Don't yell I think that will only make it worse. You just don't want to move out being mad at each other.

Answer 10

Doing the right thing, is a decision you have to come up with on your own based on the pros and cons and what feels right.

If your mother has a problem with this, she will have to deal with it in her own way. Don't let her push you around. My mother can be the same way. I move to a different state from my mother, and she didn't talk to me for 4 months. But she dealt with it and moved on. Family relationships are that way. Especially the ever changing mother/daughter relationship. You will need to learn to set new rules and new boundaries with your mother, as you become more indpendant and grown up.

Make a desicion for yourself, and go from there.
Good Luck.