stepdaughters hate me...I'm the wicked step witch?

Question

okay, yesterday my stepdaughter, (we arent technically married yet, but been together 3 yrs, i consider her my stepdaughter) called her dad. the day before on the 4th we had a get together and her sister or her did not even speak to me, my fiance wasn't there, he was working out of town, well, jokingly i said "dont speak stuck up" and i was laughing and she had been there 25 minutes and not spoken to me. well now they are making a big deal out of it, said i hurt her feelings, they have hurt my ALOT! well his 17 yr old daughter told him i was a witch with a b and that she didnt like me and why couldnt he just get away from me. he set her straight and his pregnant daughter (the one i spoke to) said if we cant all get along she doesnt want me there for the birth of her baby which is any day now. my fiance stood up for me but then it hurts my feelings how they do...their mother (his ex) has called me and my kids names and i'm supposed to accept it?) what would you do?

Answer 1

Hi! Wow, you have your hands full. OK...here goes.

I do not know ANY of your history with these girls...so please take my advice with a grain of salt. I give you my opinion with the utmost respect.

In my opinion, you should not have said that comment about speaking stuckup. Frankly, just apologize and let it go! It is not your job to be their Mom. They have a Mom. They see you as a threat to their family. You will never have a connection with them if you try to be the disciplinary. Your hubby has to be the disciplinary. He is their father. Cuddos to him for sticking up for you. I think if you make a big deal of this, it will be the death of your relationship with the girls. Just swallow your pride, apologize and move on. BUT, just be their friend. Just be there. You don't need to be their parent. They already have two. Step back. I think you will enjoy them more if you do. Although, I would not accept any disrespect towards you or YOUR kids, etc...either. Be calm, assertive and polite. If you yell and scream, threaten...it gets you NO WHERE!! Your hubby should step in there and help you if the girls disrespect you and or your kids. You should read Dr. Phil's book "Family First", it is a terrific book. I wish you all the luck in the world. I am no expert at raising kids but I am a Foster Mom (I have 2 foster kids and 1 biological daughter who is 16 yrs old) and have had alot of experiences in my life! Bottom line, show them respect and they will respect you. I can promise you that. But remember, things will not change over night. It will take time. You have to earn each other's trust. Just my opinion!

TTFN!

Answer 2

each and every of the munchkins were favourite sized till they were given a whiff of her..then they decreased in length in horror. The witch needs to persist with the yellow brook highway to a end and save and get some deodorant

Answer 3

Well, you are seen as an intruder, someone trying to steal their father and replace their beloved mother. You are older, so you are expected to be more mature than a teenager who is far more emotionally unstable. "don't speak stuck up" was an inappropriate comment for an adult to make, especially one who is trying to get a teenager to warm up to her. Obviously she didn't find it funny, blown out of proportion or not, that's what teen girls do... do you not remember the drama of your own teen years? You're joking comment was interpreted as snide bullying. Put your self in their shoes, you are "tearing their family apart". Of course they want you to go away, no one likes change. You SHOULD have apologized and explained that it was just your attempt of making a joke, admitted a rather bad one, in order to break the ice because you want her to like you but weren't sure how to relate. But what you said was hurtful and you realize that now that you never should have said it. You should have said that you get how weird all this is but that you really love her dad and want to be a part of his family and hers and that you really want to make things work, but you know you could never replace her real mom and you are ok with that and would never expect her to treat you like a mom, but you do want to just be friends. You technically started this war, and in a defensive tactic and a way to hurt you, they dragged your kids into it. The rational thing to do would not be to expect your fiance to "stick up for you" because that just makes you a "tattle tale" running to him with crocodile tears whenever you get upset, hoping he'll dole out punishment to all those who dare displease you while you smirk at their misery. You need to fight your own battles. The conflict was between you and your future step-daughter, there was no reason to embarrass her by dragging her father into it, by doing so she lost respect for you as an adult and pulled the "I can do that too, how does it feel?" tactic by dragging her mom into it, who of course jumped like a grizzly bear to her cub's defense. By expecting your fiance to set her straight, it's the same as you expecting him to force her to like you... an evil spell cast on a poor naive father to turn him against his precious daughter perhaps? If you want her to respect you, you need to confront her yourself, in a calm manner, and treat her like an adult, admit your faults, apologize, then just as calmly and without placing any blame on her or her mother, tell her YOUR feelings. And finally, express a desired goal, tell her what it is you want from her; peaceful co-existence, a possible future friendship? And ask her if that is what SHE wants, remember, you have to ask her to be involved, you can't tell her how things are going to be and expect her to go along with it without a fight. And if she still refuses than you need to make a choice. She is your fiance's blood, his daughter, she's known him longer than you, and no matter what, she will always be a major part of his life... a life that, if you join him, may involve a constant war between you, your own brood, and her and her ex. Is that really what you want? I'd move on and find a guy with less baggage.

Answer 4

Stand up for yourself. It's going to be hard for everybody to adapt, but taking **** off of people is not the way to do it.