Many years ago I was getting married. I asked my step dad to give me away because he had been more a part of raising me than my biological father. When I told my father that I had made the decision to have my step dad give me away, my dad disowned me. He and his mother (my grandma) refused to come to the wedding. I sent birthday, fathers day, christmas, etc. cards for an entire year to my dad with no response back. After a year I gave up. Since then, I've been divorced and remarried, my husband has never met my dad or grandma (we've been together 5 years now).
I've recently gotten news that my grandma is very ill. I haven't spoken to her in well over 7 years...is now the time to?
Everyone always tells me that I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life if dad or grandma dies before we resolve our differences, but I don't think I'm the one needing resolution. I don't regret the decision I made...
What do you think?
2006-07-06 06:19:47 · 23 answers · asked by jillygoat11 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Now is the time to show you're a bigger person and beyond all the immaturity. Give a shot at resolving your differences with your Grandma. She may want to resolve them and is unable to. If it doesn't pan out, you were the bigger person. If it does pan out, kudos to you. Regardless, this will also be an example to others in the future that you made an effort. Given the circumstances you described, I could easily see someone turning the tables against you if you didn't make one last effort during your Grandma's final days. Take the high road.
2006-07-06 06:31:33 · answer #1 · answered by ilikegum 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You made the right decision at your wedding, because it was the right decision for *you.* You are the one who gets to decide who gives you away. The fact that your father disowned you shows that he is a baby. What, he wanted none of the responsibility of raising you and yet all of the rewards? Tough crap for him. And as for your grandmother, why she chose to get on board is anyone's guess. Did she ever say anything to you about it, or did she just refuse to come to the wedding and never speak to you again? If she expressed her feelings to you in an adult and responsible way, that would be one thing. If she just got on the "baby train," that's a whole other ball of yarn.
That said, you are the only one who can tell if you'll feel guilty after your grandmother dies. It doesn't sound like you've been very close, but I don't know. If you have been estranged for a long time, and you have no real connection with your grandmother, chances are low that you'll feel guilty. It doesn't sound like she's been much a part of your life, and she doesn't seem to care about what's going on in your life.
However, all that aside, do you have any animosity toward your grandmother? Are you angry? Or are you just like, "Whatever"? If you are angry, it might be a good thing to clear the slate with her. If you have *any* strong emotions surrounding the past and your current non-relationship, then now, when she's ill, may be a good time to mend fences. But if it doesn't really matter to you one way or another, then it may be pointless to mend fences. Unless you wanted to be the bigger person, in which case resolving things with your grandma might be good for you.
The bottom line is that you should search your heart and determine what you can live with. Nobody else can decide this for you, because nobody knows your heart as well as you do.
2006-07-06 13:31:12 · answer #2 · answered by Gestalt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First I think you made the right decision about which person to have give you away. I wish my (step)daughter would figure that out since she has been my daughter since she was 5, and her real father was a terrible husband (and therfore not such a great father). I don't think it would hurt to try and see your grandmother though, but she chose to not be a part of your life so you shouldn't feel guilty either way.
2006-07-06 13:26:05 · answer #3 · answered by Nelson_DeVon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to feel the way you do. However, it takes two to tango, and they have both been indifferent, too.
Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself, not them. You can forgive them for being indifferent, without having to say you're sorry.
You had every right to make the wedding decision that you did. Would your Dad have disowned you because of the divorce?
I would make the attempt to contact or visit them. You should not go there to be meek and make ammends, but rather to be the caring and concerned granddaughter that you are. Let them see who you've become and what they've missed.
2006-07-06 13:27:53 · answer #4 · answered by domino916 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in a similar situation as my grandparents do not speak to me because i am in a inter-racial relationship. My grandpa is very sick and most of my family tells me I need to go see him but honestly I feel no need to (because just as you have, i have tried many times to fix our relationship and have gotten NO response). It really is up to you, if you feel like this is something you need to do, get in contact with her. If not, don't feel horrible about it, it is a personal decision and it seems to me that you have done more than anyone to repair the ties between your father and grandmother. If there is some doubt in you about if you will feel guilty or not, send her a card or a letter to let her know you are thinking of her and maybe you will get a response and maybe you won't, but at least you know you tried. Good luck!
2006-07-06 13:23:00 · answer #5 · answered by pdanielleh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand what you are feeling my step dad raised me more than my dad but I could have never of looked at my dad and said your not walking me down the aisle. He created you. You are on this earth because of him. How hurt he must have been. But on the other hand your step dad would have been hurt also. I would have just walked yourself down the aisle instead of hurting feelings like you did. I will be having both my dad and my step dad give me away. I feel I am blessed to have two dads in my life. Family is family no matter what is said you can pick your friends but you can not pick your family. You need to do what ever it takes to make ommends.
2006-07-06 13:27:42 · answer #6 · answered by girlpower 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Family and blended families are sometimes tough to deal with. If I were you I would try and make peace with my father and grandma (especially the grandma) before she passes. Life is far too short and precious to hold grudges forever. Remember it's always hard to do the right thing.
2006-07-06 13:27:05 · answer #7 · answered by Chris L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a tough situation! I think that you should make an effort to see or to contact her to assure that you did you part because if not you may have some quilt if something happens to her! At least if you make the effort and get turned away then you will know in your heart you did what you could! I know that its hard because I am in a similar situation with my father!
2006-07-06 13:25:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may never get resolution no matter what you do. With that being said, it may be in YOUR best interest to try contacting your grandmother and father. If you try and they do not respond, you have done all you can. It will be their loss. Do what you can, but don't feel guilty if you try and do not succeed. Even if you decide you do not need to try, still do not feel guilty. Accept yoru own choices and go on with your life.
2006-07-06 13:27:43 · answer #9 · answered by lynda_is 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone is right. Get there and say goodbye to your grandma - you aren't gonna magically get a new one. Same goes for your biological dad - what's the matter with you - let him meet your man, and if you get married again, let him give you away.
2006-07-06 13:28:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋