Should I tell?

Question

I know this sounds stupid, but you have to understand my situation. My sister's husband apparently likes me. A lot. I mean, loves me. And I'm way younger than he is. He only started flirting with me after they were married and I have a bad habit of flirting without realizing it, especially when someone flirts with me. I'm not sure if I should tell my sister what's going on. She seems so happy with him and they have two kids now, not to mention all the financial problems a divorce would just push.

Answer 1

Well, it does not sound so very stupid to me. We humans are possessing of a good many foibles, and lust is certainly one of them. Indeed, it would seem that it has been for some while in that it made the Lord's top ten list in those troublesome commandments Moses conveyed to us quite a while back.

Nor does it sound to me as if you are entirely without fault here. I suspect you do not have such a "bad habit of flirting" when you are not attracted to someone. So while it was certainly not his place as a married man, least of all, the husband of your sister, to have initiated the flirtation, your response signalled that you were open to more, and that is precisely what you got.

But the point is really not to assign blame here. Each of us is possessing of weaknesses of one sort or the other in varying degrees. The real question of character is how we respond to them.

That you should stop flirting with your sister's husband and discourage him from flirting with you is a given I think. It comes as little surprise that he might find you attractive, as his wife likely bears many of your same familial traits, perhaps even in appearance. Likewise, with your similar upbringing, you and your sister may have somewhat similar mindsets as to what you find attractive in men, and so it would not be so very unusual that you should both find this particular man attractive, age differences notwithstanding.

Still, the potential damage to yourselves and others is far too great to reasonably contemplate. Pursuing even a fling places your relationship with your sister at risk, her marriage at risk, the stability of her children's home at risk--not to mention your relationships with your parents, and even your friends. If you think about it a bit, were you to be viewed as even one cause of the dissolution of your sister's marriage, whom among your friends and family would not find you culpable?

Now let's turn to the whether you should "tell" or not? Certainly it is inappropriate for her husband to be flirting with you, and it may very well be a sign that he has a wandering eye in general. By telling your sister you may alert her to something of which she is unware--but with what result?

You have no doubt heard the expression "Bad news, shoot the messenger." I suspect that if you are the source of this particular bad news it will do little to bring you and your sister closer together. On the contrary, just as I have raised questions about your culpability based on your few sentences herein offered describing the situation, your sister, with still more contact, may very well assign a greater degree of responsibility to you--rightly or wrongly. It is just human nature.

Even if she does not, and she holds you entirely blameless, the impact of your "telling" may very well propel the breakup of the marriage. Is that a desirable result? Is it a result that you want on your hands?

If your sister's huband is a serial philanderer, and that may or may not be the case, but if he is, it is more likely than not that one or more of his other indiscretions will come to light in due course--one in which you are not involved-- and your sister will discover that on her own, or through a mutual friend, or what have you with the same result of you "telling" as far as her marriage and family situation goes, but without complicating your relationship with her. That will be a time where your sisterly devotion and support will be useful rather than harmful.

On the other hand, if her husband does not have a wandering eye generally, but for the reasons of similarity I have already suggested, finds you in particular to be very difficult to resist, it is within your power to discourage him, and to set him back on the right path, in which case you will be doing both him and your sister a valuable service.

The thing I think it is important to remember is that all of us have a capacity to do wrong. If you are the religious sort, you might embrace the assertion that we are all sinners before God. That does not necessarily mean that we need to delve out punishment for every sin or wrong we see. Certainly God shows some restraint in that regard, and I don't think it unreasonable that He may aspire for us to do so as well. If, along the way, you are able to improve the lot of all involved in this situation a little, so much the better.

Answer 2

Let me answer this from a guys point of view. First of all I think you enjoy the attention. You need to learn to controll your bad habit as you put it. Your brother-in -law has no business flirting with you. His eyes should be on his wife only!! That being said you still have a relationship to him as he is your b-i-l. I would say cut the flirting and tell him to respect your wishes. If that doesn't work tell your sister, but be carefull as she might not want to see the truth and then you would have a real mess on your hands. Above all don't get into an affair. The three of you will be hurt and the kids would probably lose more than anybody. Good luck!!

Answer 3

Well you have to think about a few things first like
If he is flirting with you how many other girls may he be flirting with
If you don't tell your sister and she finds out what are going to say then?
I don't have a sister but if I did
I hope she would be able to come and tell me anything that was of great concern to her no matter how bad it was, I would still like to think she trusted me enough.
Then you could also put the shoe on the other foot what if you was in her position and you was your sister hum something to think about would you want to know ??????
What ever you decision it is up to you so put some thought to it.
With ever action is a reaction
With ever reaction is a consequence.

Good Luck

Love & Blessings
Milly

Answer 4

I don't think u r stupid. Indeed the situation is so serious u should be worried. U know with u thinking divorce n all. I hope u realise this can not get more serious than this. But the consequences of telling, or not telling n getting caught r of such a proportion that i think u'd better consider the game u r playing.

My advice is say nothing but STOP the flirting. Get involved with a man of ur own n pray it discourages him. Good luck n don't worry, it's goin' to be ok.

peace

Answer 5

Some people (like yourself) are naturally flirtatious. It could be that his flirting is an innocent thing. Since he hasn't really done anything yet, I would say that there isn't much to tell. HOWEVER, if he makes a real pass at you, etc. not only should you tell your sister, but you should stay far away from him as well! WHY? Because if he'll cheat on your sister, he'll cheat on you too! NOTHING good can come from a relationship with him. Good luck working it out.

Answer 6

Don't tell your sister, warn him off you. I have been told several times that I'm a bit of a flirt, but like you, I don't even notice it when I'm flirting....I see it as innocent chit chat, that's all. I'm a Gemini, apparently we are flirts by nature.

Anyway, the worst thing will be if you tell your sister and she decides not to believe you, it will make you feel like cr*p, so I will warn him off instead and stop been so friendly with him. Men like him take flirting as an invitation of sex. Keep your distance from him and be careful....Good Luck

Answer 7

Everyone hates being honest but whatever it is honesty is the best policy, if u feel that the truth would cause a divorce, u should try and stop flirting back with ur brother-in-law, maybe he feels that when u flirt back, u're giving him signs that u too are interested, but perhaps if u stop, and be formal, he would back-off, and then u wouldn't have anything to worry about..sounds reasonable, dont stop flirting, jus stop it with ur brother-in-law..if its hard, then jus think how ur sis would feel if she knew u were flirting back, am sure that would definetly stop u fropm doing so

Answer 8

I would tell her. But first you need to knock off the flirting back. Give her a heads up about it and before she says anything to him, she can sit back and witness it for herself that way she knows you're not lying. Tell her that if you didn't feel it was just you he was doing this to you probably wouldn't say anything. But chances are, you're not the only one and it's a matter of exactly how far will he take it with someone else.

Answer 9

Ask urself dis question...."How would you feel if ur sister's husband stared 2 kiss u?? If I was in da situation, I would tell my sister. She need 2 hear it from u and not some other woman. What if things go further then just flirtin wit each other?? Do u think ur sister would tell u if the roles were reversed?

Answer 10

WHAT AN *SS HE IS!! Wouldn't YOU want to know? First of all, you have to tell her, she deserves to live in the truth. Would you want to be married to someone like that. What do you think that the chances are that he's done this and MORE with someone else if he's done this with you? AND you should beg her forgiveness for crossing that line with him. How old are you? Are you underage? If so, he's got even more issues that your sister needs to be aware of. He LOVES you? You need to go to her straight-away. You cannot keep this from her.