Help my son's school is accusing us of hitting him, what can I do?

Question

I am really upset, my son's school has said that he told them that my husband and I have been hitting him.
We have loved him so much and done all we can for him - I breastfed him till 18 months, gave him home made organic food, I travel quite far to send him to a good school.
He is doing well educationally and has lots of home support and extra activities such as tennis that he enjoys and I pay for.
I have two other children who have never said this.
My son, who is 5, has told me that his teacher told him that she has a little bird who can see through the windows of all the children's houses and she knows that we are hitting him. It seems as if he is egged on to say things, he can be attention seeking and this brings him attention.
We are really shocked, my husband is devastated. Now and again my son does have scrapes and bruises, including a black eye a few months ago from a fall on the bedpost. He tells me the school have examined him. What should I do now?

Just to clarify, we never ever hit him. Thought that was obvious.
I am also not really rich enough to go out getting hidden cameras and recording equipment!

Answer 1

Well for one thing, the teacher was lying to the child by saying the little birdy thing. This means she was putting words into his mouth. I know it doesn't help but its a good argument. I can't help legally (i'm rubbish and only 17) but i can give experience. At the age of 5 you don't have any idea whats going on, your easily influenced. So (not saying you are) but don't be angry at your son. He knows no better. Good thing to do would be to sit down and explain exactly what he is doing, probably best to do it with an impartial witness so that school can't say your pressuring him.
Attention seeking is, rather natural, but it does come from the parenting i'm afraid. I don't know your situation but perhaps through no fault of your own, he has been getting less attention, e.g. your husband or you may have got a new job, or may be working extra hours. Again at 5, you don't realise reasons behind everything, he may think he is being neglected.
Another view to take is that you may be giving him too much attention. For example you make sure he has organic food. No offence meant, and he's your child to raise and granted i'm making a sweeping generalisation from this statement, but from what i read you do seem to be a little overprotective. though admittidly he is just 5. I was raised on boiled potatoes, chicken and either peas or sweetcorn nd i'm fine.
I realise i may have wondered a little of point so i'll just give you some advice here.
DON'T treat him any differently during or after this ordeal. If you treat him better, he will think he's won. He will have got the attention he wanted and will probably do something like this again. If you treat him worse, then obviously this will give the school more ammo.
Also don't give up or stay devastated too long. I know its harsh but you you have to get over it quickly and spend you energy more usefully in preparing a defence or convincing the school your ok parents. See what evidencee they have, and listen to it calmly and collectively. Hear them out and then THINK about your answers.
I believe if your really innocent and you stay smart you'll be fine.
I hope i've helped, if not it hasn't hurt to read at least. Good luck.

Answer 2

Have a talk with his teacher. Let her know that you are not hitting your son and are worried about his and the school's accusations. This could be a serious psychological thing, but he's probably being led to say what he's saying or he doesn't realize what he's saying. Hitting to a child could mean something as little as spanking or a swat on the hand. If that doesn't work, then I would start looking for another school to put him in. Take him to the doctor for proof of no abuse and if the school persists you may have to hire a lawyer.

Answer 3

Talk to the headteacher immedaitely and express your concerns. Obviously if you are not hitting him the truth will come to light but perhaps this teacher has a problem with you? I mean all five year olds come out with crap, surely she should know this being a teacher? If all else fails I would take him out of that school and move him somewhere else. This doesn't sound like a very good school anyway, they can't go throwing accusations around and putting things in a small child's head.

Answer 4

u poor thing! He is only 5 and 5 yr olds come out with rubbish. How high in the pecking order is this teacher? It might be a good idea to make an appt with the head or chair of governors, or both. Also the school should have a discipline committee that might be able to advise. Don't panic. I am sure that the Head would have heard 5 yr old stories before and is probably a parent too. I would guess that that stupid mare of a teacher isn't! I wouldn't go in guns a blazing but I would be wanting to air my concerns. Good luck!

Answer 5

Since you are not actually hitting him, the truth will come out. Stay confident, because you know you are not guilty, and your son does too. You certainly do want to talk to the school about this teacher and what kind of disciplinary action can be taken against her. If the school is unresponsive, you might want to look into alternatives, such as private school or homeschooling, or even moving if necessary.

There are far too many children who are actually abused for us to have any tolerance for false accusations. Don't let anyone make you feel defensive.

Answer 6

This sounds devastating! I'm so sorry and I hope your situation will improve.
To be honest, it sounds like the teacher's putting words in your son's mouth. I had to study Eye witness testimony for Psychology - I can't remember what the exact name is, but it really is misleading information to say "I know your parent's are hitting you" (When we watched a video to test EWT one of the legal questions asked was "What colour were his trainers?" when he wasn't wearing them at all. I hope you can see how this kind of thing is detrimental to some situations. It can be used against the teacher in court, I assume.)

You really need to get people involved. I wouldn't advise getting a lawyer straight away. You need to gain the support of your GP, your family members of friends. (America seem to think court answers everything, or that's how it's mediated.) Only bring lawyers into it if your son's school poses a strong threat to you. Like someone else said, ultimately, you need to get to the bottom of this with your son. Everyone knows that children's words aren't always reliable, but you need to know.

You could try recording conversations with a Dictaphone? It may seem unethical, but it's a desperate measure, right?

Wishing you all of the best!

Answer 7

I'd get on to Social Services first - the pre-emtive strike. The school is clearly overstepping their bounderies as educators by 1. examining your son and 2. 'leading the witness'. Your son is likely a bit insecure & at a vunerable age, and easily influenced by the adults around him, with "I saw you" or "I know", what child would NOT believe these trusted adults?. His teachers as 'responsible adults' can, have & will 'put ideas into his head' - that's what they are paid to do after all - to convince our children to believe them!!

Most worrying is the 'examination', even if just a cursory glance at any bruising. They as teachers, or even the school nurse is not a pediatric care worker, clinical psycologist or forensic examiner they have NO legal right to form an opinion as to your childs welfare - simply to inform the authorities of any suspicions. I may also be inclined to threaten a civil law suit for defamation of your and your husband's character and also any mental anguish caused to your son.

Don't let them come to you...take the fight to them.

This is just my personal feelings on the matter - not is any professional capacity.

Answer 8

Don't freak out first of all. I know it sounds crazy, but if you're not hitting him the truth will come out. Kids lie, and crazy adults meddle in others' business thinking it's their god givin duty. Don't be freaked out, and don't fervently deny it either. Just say in a calm voice, johnny, why would you tell the teacher that we're hitting you? That hurts mommy's feelings...

Don't tell the teacher... oh my god, I don't know why he's saying that!!?? what do I do? They're just going to say.. you can start by not hitting him. I dunno. You'll be fine, I think the person you shuld be talking to is your son. He's a person and it's obviously a cry out for you to love him in some way that you're not (emotional support maybe), not so much with the providing part, you know? Be there in a more friendly role. Let him trust you and like you. Kids don't appreciate how much effort it is to do things for them, so I mean you can be selling your beautiful locks of hair to the wigmaker, and he won't care if you're not there for him as a friend. Don't get mad at your son either, it'll just make him scared, and make him think you will hit him. Be there for him. Let him tell his lies, he doesn't really understand the shitstorm he's kicking up so love him. that's all. love him.

Answer 9

My god, that's awful. I have two kids - not as old as yours - but wow - you must be heartbroken. Let's face it - kids come out with things. What I would recommend is that you document every conversation you have with your son and the school. Get the school to sign off every "statement" they make to you from day one. It is so easy for something like this to blow out of proportion especially in the nanny state we live in. The fact is sometimes these kind of things do actually catch those "wrong doers".
I am sure it will all work, but remember you are in the right, and kids say all sorts of rubbish.

As a final point, sit down with your son, be honest with him, ask him outright what is being said. again, leave emotion at the door as best you can and document everything.

i hope this helps

Answer 10

Firstly the school have no right to examine him! they do have a duty to report any suspected abuse to social services for them to investigate.

I would go in and speak to the headmaster and the school board as well as education services in your local authority and report this behaviour. Most young children will agree with any leading questions and for your teacher to interrogate your child in this way is inappropriate.

Talk to social services and invite them in to your home to discuss this with you, if you initiate the contact then this would be the best thing to do, don't wait for them to come knocking.

You also need to address your son's behaviour as to why he thinks he's being smacked and to tell him that its wrong to lie about things as he will get other people into lots of trouble.... don't make him afraid of telling the truth and don't say things like,he will be taken away or mummy and daddy will go to prison.... as you want him to be open with you in the future. If this continues, have him see a behavioural counsellor, these types of lies would be catostrosphic for your family.

I have a son who is 6 and is always covered in scrapes and bruises as are most of his friends and I've never had such a problem with our school... and I'm willing to say, that from time to time, he is smacked on his bottom, hand or top of the leg, never hard enough to leave a mark and certainly NEVER beaten.