I think my girlfriend's been cutting herself?

Question

I'm 17, and my gf is 16, we've been together a year now. She's having some problems at home just now and at school as well, her grades have dropped and she's been pulled up by her teachers. She seems really depressed and I can't cheer her up but when I ask if she's alright she says she is, she won't tell me what's wrong.

I saw some scratches on her arm a few weeks ago and asked about them, she said her cat scratched her but I don't believe her, they didn't look like cat scratches. But last night we were fooling around and I took off her trousers and there were cuts on her legs. I asked how she got them and she got dead pissed off, said it was nothing and put her trousers back on and wouldn't talk anymore about it.

What should I do? She won't talk to me about it and I'm worried about her, the cuts looked pretty bad. Her parents have enough problems of their own right now, I don't want to tell them.

Answer 1

Tell her parents. Be cruel to be kind.

Answer 2

This is such a sensitive subject and I feel for you being in that position. Self harm is a difficult issue to understand because it's not something that people readily talk about and they pretend it's not happening. For the person doing self harm they don't want to talk about it for fear of being labelled mentally unstable and for the loved ones they don't want to deal with it!

Your girlfriend is going through a very emotional time - she's hurting inside and the only way she knows how to deal with these feelings is to harm herself. It sounds twisted but research has shown that wounds release endorphines into the blood system - she hurts herself and finds some emotional release.

I personally don't know if telling her parents is a good idea - she'll probably deny it and will be mad at you too. She does need to get to the root of the problem though as the self harm pattern won't just magically disappear. There are some self help groups now to help people who suffer from self harm. She is definitely not alone with this problem.

I'd be more than happy help you further - e-mail me.

Answer 3

First of all congratulations for caring and be concerned about your girl friend most people may not care. Have you tried telling someone like a counslear maybe you can get her to see one? Do try again to confront her telling her that you care about her and dont want to see her hurting herself.Maybe she will listen knowing that you will support her and help her get through it. Make sure that is clear.Try to get her to admit she has a problem. Maybe try asking her why, if its a family problem then you should tell the parents hopefully they can clear up that. And if she still refuses to talk about and theres not much else to do tell her that she is loved and that you are trying to help her. Also try saying that you hate seeing her like this. Im sorry for the fact this is a bit of a confusing answer but i hope in some way it helps .Good luck.

Answer 4

People who self-harm are not usually suicidal although accidents can happen. They dont usually want attention either. You should be more concerned for her mental health.
I believe people do this when the emotional pain they are bearing is so bad that physical pain alows them some respite.

Perhaps you should speak to her, tell her you love her and that you care. Until she can accept that it is a problem she will not get help or be receptive to it. Ask if she can tell you why she does it, how she feels when she does it. She does need professional help but if she can talk to you it might help her see the need to get some. Help is not primarily about making her stop but about tackling the pain that makes her do it in the first place.

Answer 5

each and absolutely everyone does it for his or her own reason so no you'll be able to grant you with a precise rationalization why she is self harming. I grew to change into to self damage because i became depressed and felt like I deserved the discomfort because I felt ineffective and crap. persons use it as a way to address pressure or a anxious adventure. Its no longer your fault in any respect. i comprehend she would not opt to communicate about because self damage is a private element and speaking about why you do it could be very painful and would set off self damage extra. i'd say provide her time and attempt back, also teach her you're there for her and help her to understand she will be able to communicate and open as a lot as you in self assurance. in case you spot issues worsen then notify her father and mother or tell a health practitioner. Your female friend would nicely be depressed and in spite of if no longer self damage is risky, it isn't time-honored behaviour and many times a cry for help, it would want to even element out an underlying psychological health concern. So in case you could, please attempt to get her some help. strong success to you both xx

Answer 6

my daughter was doing the same, and I had a lot of answers from Yahoo, but they all recommended seeing a specialist, which I was reluctant to do straight away. The best advice I had was from a young girl who had done this to herself, and she suggested talking about what pain is causing her to cut, (it seems as if the cutting takes away a mental pain by replacing it with a physical one.) She also said that she didn't get pushed into therapy and therefore labelled as a "freak", and she is now really well, and regrets what she did. If you can prove to her that you won't judge her for it, but that you do care and want to help, she might open up to you, it could well be that it is the situation at home which is causing it. I didn't ever discover why my daughter was doing it, but just letting her know I knew, and wanted to help seems to have done the trick. I also let her know that it was a dangerous practice as it can go too far, that I disapproved of it as a way of pain relief, and that she would end up with permanent scars. thankfully, she has now stopped, and we try to talk a bit more about what is on her mind. good luck and don't give up on her if you think your relationship is strong, it could be the thing she needs to overcome her anguish right now.
Whatever happens, good luck, and good on you for caring enough to ask.

Answer 7

You absolutely 100% have to tell her parents. It doesn't always happen, but cutting can lead to deep depression which leads to suicide. What would you do if she ended her life and you never told anyone. I know you are worried she might break up with - but what is worse? Her dying or her breaking up with you because you helped her?

My only side note is that if her parents are evil and wouldn't take her for treatment (you mentioned she is having problems at home), you should look into other types of help. You should try talking to your counselor at school - he/she will have some resources.

Bottom line - TALK TO SOMEONE.

Answer 8

Don't try to cure her or find an answer. What is wrong is her problem, and she probably feels that there is nobody who can understand it, so no one can help. What you can do is let her know that IF she is self harming, then it must be something very important/serious, and although you may not have all/any answers for her, you CAN be there for her if she wants to talk about it. Your girlfriend may never open up to you, and the problem may pass. But putting pressure on her to allow you to help WON'T HELP. Your best way to help is to give her room to approach you when the time is right for her.

Answer 9

i think telling her parents will make them flip out and it would only cause more stress and problems for her. They would probably put her on some kind of anti-depressant or something.But you have to tell her that you are here for her and she can talk to you about anything. say you really care about her and want to help in any way you can. and you cant help if she doesnt tell you whats going on. a big part of a relationship is trust. tell her that whatever you two talk about would be just between you and her, so she would feel more comfortable talking to you about it. if she wont talk to you, then im not sure what you can do. go with what you feel is best.

Answer 10

There are a lot of reasons why people choose to self harm - they're in a great deal of emotional pain, they're not 'loonies'...often cutting is used as a physical expression of emotional pain that people can't express any other way. Whatever you do, do NOT go to her parents - you will lose her trust. Try to talk to her...love her, accept her, don't judge her. You need to move slowly and carefully, and let her know that she can trust you and lean on you. You also need to try to understand why bright, articulate, loving people choose to self harm...three good websites are:

http://www.selfharm.org.uk/default.aspa

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

http://www.selfharm.net/*** the best of the lot, I think

I think the last one is my personal favourite, as it has been created by someone who has been there, and the resources are comprehensive. If you need to talk to someone, ring a helpline - there are resources at all the websites.

I wish you both the best - and she's lucky to have someone who cares so much. Let us know how you get on.

Answer 11

Sometimes things happen in life. You should buy her the iteam she loves the most. Then take her to a private place and tell her you care about her alot. Tell her about how much her family and friends do too. Then tell her that whatever problem she going through he can help. Try to explain that there are better ways to release stress. But in the end if she tells you or not hug her and kiss her and make sure she knows she is loved!