I have no control over my life and im 19, i cant go anywhere without a parent my dad is so controlling!?

Question

Im 19 and all my life my dad has intimidated me and made me feel small. He doesnt let me do anything, i cant go to my friends houses i cant go shopping without my mum or dad and im seen even sitting in the same room as a guy let along speaking to one my dad quickly comes and sweeps me away. he wont let me get a job and he made me leave school early i had to finish the rest of my education by distance. Im so scared of him i cant talk to him, im too afraid to ask him if i want something because he will yell at me, i try to get courage but i cant find it. My mum is great and probably the only good thing in my life but he wont listen to her either, he is stubborn and set in his ways and hes ruining my life. The only way i can leave is to find a nice boyfriend, go steady and get married, until then i cant have a life, but i cant even do that because no one hardly knows who i am, im stuck and i dont know what to do

REPLY TO ANSWERS: I cant move out, i couldent leave my mother i love her too much. plus my dad would track me down and put me through more mental harm. i think i need therapy but i probably wouldent even be allowed. I live in australia, but my family is italian and my dad is beyond old fashioned, no other men around here are like him, its just him, hes insane! i cant leave if i could i wouldnt need to ask anyones opinion, in my comunity girls moving out of home is just uncommon, there needs to be another solution...

Answer 1

Concentrate on your studies. If you are doing a degree course via open university etc... do the best you can. Once you have your qualification, get a job you that interests you and the world is your oyster. You will have to associate and work with people and hence meeting people and making friends without your parents around. Also, you will be financially independent and be able to move out.

Leaving now would create alot of problems with your dad. Sounds like he probably would lock you up for good should you move out and he tracks you down. It is his way of showing his love, concern and protection of you from the evils of this world. If he doesn't love you, he wouldn't have bothered wasting his time making sure you are safe and well! It doesn't help with things that happens to young girls on the daily news.

I have been there! I can't even speak on the phone without my parents' listening in to make sure I wasn't speaking to a boy!

My friends could go out clubbing late into the night, have boy friends and fun. Life seemed so unfair.

Am glad I stuck it out, as it allows me to concentrate on my studies unlike most of my friends.

Once I got a job and moved out, my parents gave me all the independence I need. They have not interfere once since!! I am now happily married with kids and financially secure.

Work hard. Be patience. Believe and Trust in God!

Answer 2

I live in Texas, where it is legal for a woman to leave home at 17. Was your dad a military man, or a drug addict? That would explain the control issues. If you are 19 you should be able to leave and do what ever you want.

YOU DO NOT NEED A MAN TO LIVE!!!!!

With all the hurt I hear coming from you about your father, a relationship probably wouldn't be the best idea. Find a female friend. Move in with her, get a job and move on with your life. If you really are 19 you are a big girl now.

If things are that bad, LEAVE.

Answer 3

Wow. I don't know where you are from, or what your cultural background is, but I can guess it is from one where women are tightly monitored until married. This is fine until you come to a country where women have their own minds and can make decisions for themselves. Little girls are taught one thing, then the family says another. That must be incredibly hard.

What is the age of becoming an adult where you are? (It varies - where I am, it's 18). The fact that you couldn't even finish school because they couldn't control who looks at you, that's pretty harsh. Is there anybody at all you can have confidence with? Would it be possible to get a post office box or have mail sent to somebody trustworthy? If so, start applying for jobs away from him (perhaps in the next state/county/province where ever you are?). You may never be allowed back as a member of your family, but if you firmly believe you should be able to work and study and choose your own friends and boyfriends, that might be what you have to do, and hope their opinion of you turns around. Good luck with this.

Answer 4

First of all, you're 19. The world is wide open. You CAN get out without selling yourself immediately to marriage (now, if you find the right guy and get married because you love him, that's different...just don't marry a guy you don't love to get out of the house).

Leave your house. Just leave. What your dad is doing to you is emotional abuse. If you have to, go to a women's shelter until you get your feet under you. If you've got a little money, find an apartment (preferrably with good roommates), a job (even fast food pays), and some friends. Find a way to get into college, learn about yourself and the world around you, and when you have learned about yourself rekindle an adult relationship with your parents.

I am 24, and a school teacher. I LOVE my life, and I am very glad that I moved out from my family's home when I was 18. I am really close with my parents now, but it was a long time coming. Do what you need to do :). In your heart, you know what's right.

Answer 5

Many of the problems you may be facing could be just the tip of the iceberg on what is really happening in your marriage. I dont mean to scare you but many problems when they either first show up or if they keep reoccurring could be just whats showing from a larger problem that either you or your spouse cannot even see. One of the only things you can do to help is to talk honestly and openly with each other in the marriage. If things become more serious more serious options need to be looked at as possibilities. I have a blog that has more information on some of what I've been writing about. If you feel like checking it out I would completly suggest it. Read here https://tr.im/ZeTfA

Love is a choice that is made everyday when you wake up and every night when you go to sleep. Some days you may not feel the original feeling but love isnt a feeling or an emotion. Its an action a verb. Falling out of love may just mean you need to spice things up a little or that you were never in love in the first place. Don't just get out of a marriage just because you don't think you like the person anymore.

Answer 6

You have a choice. You can sit there and let him live your life for you or you can leave.The ONLY thing you can do to get away from the situation is get a job, save your money, find a roomate and make your way. Until you are away from this terribly unfortunate situation, you shouldn't even THINK about finding "someone" to be with because, honey I'm sure you are going to have some soul searching once you get out from under the tyrant you call your father.

Unless you want to watch your life lived by someone else, I suggest you take control. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!
Good luck.

Answer 7

OK FIRST OF ALL YOU ARE NOT STUCK. YOU ARE NOT WITH THE PROBLEM AND IT CLEARLY SHOWS THAT YOUR DAD IS. BEFORE ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM. I THINK THAT THE WEEK ONE HERE IS HIM. HE MAKES YOU FEEL SMALL SO THAT YOU DON'T NOTICE HIS WEAKNESS AND HIS WEAKNESS IS: YOU. HE'S IS AFRAID 1) SOME BOY WILL HURT YOUR FEELINGS IF YOU FALL IN LOVE BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT YOU ARE INNOCENT 2) THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU LEAVE HIS SIGHT. THAT'S YOUR DAD'S WEAKNESS AND TO SHOW THAT HE IS NOT WEAK HE IS SO OVER PROTECTIVE BUT YOUR DAD HAS TAKEN IT A LITTLE TOO FAR. 1ST OF ALL I RECOMMEND THAT YOU SIT WITH HIM AND WATCH TV. AND TRY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HIM. DON'T BE AFRAID AND DON'T FEEL INTIMIDATED HE'S YOUR DAD AND HE LOVES YOU HE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HARM YOU. DON'T MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU NEED OR WANT SOMETHING. JUST MAKE IT SEEM CASUAL. JUST SIT NEXT TO HIM AND ASK HIM WHAT HE IS WATCHING ON TV. ASK HIM QUESTIONS AND GIVE YOUR OPINIONS. WHAT THIS WILL DO IS YOU AND YOUR DAD WILL START TO BUILD A BOND I KNOW THIS SOUNDS HARD BUT IT'S POSSIBLE AND UNTIL YOU DON'T DO IT FOR A WHILE IT WILL NOT WORK. TELL HIM FOR EXAMPLE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO FISHING! OR THINGS THAT DAD AND DAUGHTERS DO. THEN WITH THE TIME YOU GUYS SPEND TOGETHER YOU WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HIM MORE AS WELL AS HE WILL BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND YOU AND HE WILL NOTICE THAT YOU ARE A GROWN UP WOMAN AND THAT YOU ALSO NEED YOUR SPACE. ALSO ASK HIM ABOUT HIS PARENTS AND HOW THEY WERE AND YOU WILL PROBABLY BEGIN TO SEE A PATTERN. ONCE YOU SEE HE IS LOOSENING UP THEN ASK HIM SIMPLE THINGS LIKE "OH I NEED THIS FROM THE STORE IS IT OK IF I GO AND GET IT REALLY QUICK?" IF HE SAYS NO JUST SAY "OK" AND THEN HE WILL BEGIN WONDER AND I BET YOU HE WILL COME TO YOU AND TELL YOU "HEY CAN YOU GET ME THIS WHILE YOU ARE OVER THERE?" BUT BEFORE THAT YOU BOTH HAVE TO BUILD A TRUST. I'M NOT SAYING HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU BUT I'M SAYING THAT HE HASN'T REALLY NOTICED THAT YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH AND CAN DEFEND YOURSELF. HE'S NOT RUINING YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU JUST RECENTLY BECAME AN ADULT SO IT'S JUST STARTING DON'T WORRY TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S AFRAID BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS IT VERY WELL AND HE THINKS THAT BEING AFRAID IS A WEAKNESS AND IT'S NOT. TRY HAVING SOMETIME WITH HIM JUST YOU AND HIM AND I BET HE WILL BEGIN TO SOFTEN UP A BIT. YOU JUST HAVE TO SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE AN ADULT NOW. GOOD LUCK GIRL DON'T WORRY YOU WILL SURVIVE!

Answer 8

Wow, your Dad sounds like my ex-girlfriend. :D
You have at least two methods.
1) Extreme separation
2) Gradual individual growth.

You need to get out of your desperation and become healthy before you get married or you may choose the wrong partner without realizing it. And, even if you choose a good man, your marriage will definately suffer and may break because of your lack of individual development.

Choice number 1 above is not the best method, but it may be your only choice if the other method fails. I agree that finding some good girlfriends, or extended family to live with would be an option. Just make sure you surround yourself with people who display good morals.

Choice number 2 is the best. It will be difficult and take time, but you both will grow from it. Before you do anything else, you need to try and slowly develop some communication with your father. Maybe as simple as just telling him something about how you feel. You could start with letting him know that you feel afraid to talk with him.

While you work on that communication, you can also find ways to develop as an individual without your father having a complete panic. The best thing I can think of is church. Find a church where some of the beliefs are in agreement with what your father wants for you. For example, some good family values like chastity before marriage, fidelity within marriage, abstaining from alcohol, or whatever fits your situation. If you can start to spend some time with or without him at church, it will be a great way to start having your own life and helping him understand that his control is crushing your happiness and your life. If he loves you, he needs to let you live your life.

Our Heavenly Father put us on this Earth away from him because our individual development and agency would be limited if we were always with him. The pattern is divinely similar with our earthly parents. It is their responsibility to care for us until we can take care of ourselves and fulfill our individual potential. That gives us the ability to eventually become strong enough to someday be the ones who give satisfaction and care to our parents, give to our own children, find lasting happiness, and give glory to God.

Answer 9

You're 19 you have no reason to stay, move out. Find a friend or an outside family member to stay with to get some savings together, get a job, get a life. If you don't go out on your own and be independent you'll never be able to make it on your own. AND DON'T THINK JUST CUZ YOU HOOK UP WITH SOME GUY HE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!! YOU MUST LEARN TO BECOME SELF-SUFFICIENT, MEN WON'T ALWAYS BE THERE TO BE YOUR HERO, THOSE ARE JUST FAIRY TALES!!

Answer 10

i was in your same situtation and my dad was the same way, he was very controlling didnt let me go out , didnt let me talk ot a guy, have fun anything , just like you. actually he did it to all the girls in my family, until one day one of the girls took off and didnt look back, she ran away and then and only then did he know what he was doing wrong, he didnt see that he was holding me cative from the world, he didnt see that he was not letting me be a teeneager, all he thought he was doing was protectiing me.but he wasnt , he was hurting me, he was emotionally tearing me aprt. i was the one who left, i took off with a friend and didnt look back until i was ready to come home and confront my dad, yeah he called the cops to try to look for me but he never fully went thru with it, after they told them there was nothing they could do.my dad changed after that am i blame him for most of my problems today because i didnt do the things that i should have done as a teenager, i felt i had to grow up to fast and get pregante young just so i wouldnt have to go back. i am not telling you to run away but i am telling you you have to do something to make your dad open his eyes, you are a beautiful person and even thoug i cant see you i know this because you are like me.do something so you can have fun and experience life, dont do anything to tie yourself down like get married or get pregnate. you know what i mean. try to go to a family memebers house or a neighbors house, family memebers would be better, do this soon or you wont have a life. good luck and let me know how it goes.