Do I have to do Everything?!?

Question

I have worked for the past 20 years, non stop, (I'm 35),supporting my family, with the money I worked D@!*&^ hard for. Now the past 4 Months I decided to spend some time at home and go back to school. I have raised a doughter and a son (16&17), and have been there for every career change and move (we have moved about 15 times) that my husband wanted because he was unhappy with his job or his life or whatever the excuse was.
We have always had electricity, water, phone ....even if it was hard at times for me to pay for. They all have thir toys and gadgets and Motorcycles, Now then......Why is it my fault? Why do they act as if I have never done anything for them? There's no food in the house, the bills haven't been paid, but yet the money to do these things with is gone....my husband works, he gets paid, (way more than I ever have) but I guess thats HIS money,right? I Feel Bad....
but at the sme time THIS ANGERS ME!!!!!! AM I WRONG TO BE ANGRY? THEY SAID THEY WOULD HELP!

Answer 1

I've seen this happen to a friend of the family and I know it isn't easy to live through. What happened is that you unknowingly conditioned them, created this ugly habit and expectation that everything will come from you. It's quite easy for a Mum to be overprotective and to support her husband more than he probably needs.
Now you will need A LOT of patience and diplomacy to correct this because they are all a bunch of spoiled children - they have never known real frustration in life. They have been sheltered by you from feeling the insecurities and the hardships.
It was time they felt them... I am sorry for you and for them. From my point of view, it is necessary for a kid/man to feel some frustration in his life to be able to be a decent person and for you to be able to live a life of mutual respect with them.
Now for the solution. You will need support from a wise old teacher/priest who knows how to handle people because this is too hard for you to do on your own. Try to explain to them that what happened is not due to you but was an unfortunate event and focus on your feelings of love for them, leave out the part with everybody's rights, your share, my share. This is a tough moment, an obstacle, a catastrophe,etc. you are a family and now is the moment to pull together. Imagine you are stranded on an island and need to strive to survive. The threat is real because you risk damaging your children for life is they don't take some of the burden on their shoulders. They will forever feel that someone else needs to pull for them in life.
Last but not least, read Robert Cialdini's books on persuassion and concentrate on reviving your relationship with your spouse. He is the most likely to oppose change and want to leave in this process. And he will find it most difficult be cause he is older (compared to your kids).

Answer 2

No, you are not wrong to be angry. It is your life and your take, so you can feel anyway you darn please to.

In the paraphrased words of my state - marriage is an economic union. But I obviously don't need to tell you that. ;)

I think it is hard for people to change, especially when they are so used to the comfort you provided for so many years. So first, good job. Now, you need to get their attention and make them understand that this is important to you and you need their help also. Perhaps by delegating things very clearly some of the issues will be resolved. Or you need to stand your ground when things go bump. If there is no food and complaints are voiced, mention how you'd be happy to cook on weekends (or some other compromise) but the rest of the week is there own. If the electric gets shut off even after you've tirelessly explained to your husband that he is in charge of the bills, say "how sad for you that you didn't remember".

And if anything, good luck!!

Answer 3

Hi,
My heart goes out to you. The husband is supposed to provide for the basics like mortgage, utilities, auto, etc. The wife usually works for the food and extras.
Yes, you are being taken advantage of.
Your husband should not keep his check to himself. He sounds like a real JERK.

They, are acting like they don't know what to do. They are expecting you to work the miracles.

You must do the math, and decide wheather you are better off with him or without him.
It is difficult for a woman to make it on her own without a college degree, or some source of better income.

Don't accept the fault for this...but do take the responsibility to find a solution for you and the children. Keep in mind, that they are old enough to work on the weekends at restaurants or other jobs to help with expenses.

God bless you
stw

Answer 4

You have every right to be angry. It's time your husband and kids pick up some of the load. You have carried this family without help and now it's time for them to pony up so mom can do what SHE wants for a change. It's going to be hard...the lights might even get cut off...but they will get the picture quick.

Answer 5

So you are saying since you have decided to quit working and go back to school, your husband won't use his money he makes to pay for household necessities? That is wrong. You are right to be angry. If when you were working, you guys used that income to pay for those things, then fine. But just because you choose to go to school, doesn't mean that your husband shouldn't contribute to those bills from his paycheck. I would seriously sit down and tell him how you feel. You are not wrong. He needs to grow up and pay the bills.

Answer 6

1. Husbands and Wives should split thir money on bills together, not just the wives.

2. You should have the rights to follow your dreams by going to college, and your family should support you on that

you have every right to be angry

he should take responsibility and pay the bills and stop buying his 'toys'

Answer 7

dont worry..this is an "adult thing" it happends to every single family in the USA! its just the way things r...so about the angry part..i dont think u should be..its just wasting yor time and its not gonna do any good besides make u older..(and u dont want that do u?) because its stress and its the cause to get older and lose yor hair. and last but not least..im about yor daughter and sons age and i would know y i complain all the time.its cus skool is really stressful..just make sure they dont start cutting themselves cus that would be even worse..yor the mom and u need to try and keep things under control ..good luck and take care

Answer 8

just take a deep breath in, hold it, hold it, now exhale. sounds to me like a family meeting is in order and expectations of all household parties must be present and a working model of choirs and what not are laid out on the table, everyone on the team must pull their own weight for a house to run smooth, and it should not all rest on Mom's shoulders, you have a right to be upset, open lines of communication, would do great, put please no emotions, don't go to the table angry, plan the meeting and allow all family members time to think about what they would like to address at the table, always show respect, Prayers for you and yours as you address the issues at hand in your family.

Answer 9

No you are not wrong !! You worked hard and provided for them...Sounds like your husband needs to help out now and the kids they are both old enough to get a job and help out,,,,,Stand your ground !!!!!

Answer 10

You have every right to be angry at them! The thing with parenting is NEVER spoil you children or let them step all over you. Good luck with your situation.