When should you tell a potential partner about a mental illness? Before or after marriage?

Question

I am a professional who has struggled with bipolar affective disorder for twenty years. I have had extremely trying times but now I don't think anyone notices anything unusual because it is under such good control. I am just asking because I have had four engagements broken after disclosing this information.

Answer 1

Don't let these jerks here that are being pricks towards you get to you. Personally I would like to know this type of information before marriage. I think it would be unfair to withhold such important info to a candidate for marriage. Wouldn't you want to know if the situation was reversed? Just my opinion. I also think that you would find a much better man who will end up being a much better husband to you.

Answer 2

I think anyone you date and where it is getting serious, should know right up front so they can decide from there exactly where this relationship will go . Why would you want to hide something that can affect you and your relationships in the future because of the disease and not being honest . If you tell them up front at least they know and if they hang around and than break up , you'll know it wasn't the disease . Right now you can't be sure it was the disease or the lies and hiding it that broke your engagements off . If your bi-polar is the reason their gone,good for you ,could you imagine being married to someone who is that shallow . There's nothing wrong with having a mental illness ,and who knows they might have one also . Honesty is always the best policy for any relationship. .

Answer 3

BEFORE! Never, ever, under any circumstances keep something like this from someone you love! If you are dating someone, and you can tell that you are getting closer, and you find that you are in love, you should tell them. Not after they have asked you to spend your life with them. By waiting until then, you have lost their trust. I mean, if you don't trust the guy/girl enough to tell them you medical problems, you shouldn't be getting engaged in the first place. How would you feel if, after getting engaged, he told you that he was sterile. Or that he has schizophrenia? That smacks of deciet, and lies. Has he never seen you take your meds? Does he not ask why? My sister is bipolar manic depressive and paranoid schizphrenic, and I have to tell you, that most of the time no one would know it, unless they knew her well. And it's not something that you should be ashamed of, either. You didn't do anything to cause it, you are not at fault, and you are taking good care of it, so, you should tell them. Not necessiarily on the first date, mind you, but before you sleep with them, at the very least. It's my opinion that you should disclose all medical problems before you sleep with someone, because not to is lying by omission. And you wouldn't want to sleep with someone who lies would you? After all, if you have lied about that, what else might you have lied about? That's the trust issue that probably made your former boyfriends/girlfriends rethink how they felt about you. While I understand all too well what a scarlet letter mental illnesses are today, still, I also think that if you care enough about someone to get engaged to be married, you should have cared enough to "come clean" long before you say yes to the proposal/deliver the proposal. This comes from my own experience with my sister, and a couple of friends who are in similar situations. Good Luck next time!

ps: please forgive any spelling mistakes, spell check was down! lol

Answer 4

He'll be really mad at you for deceiving him if you don't disclose this vital information now. Not only can this have an impact on your relationship, it also is an issue when discussing reproduction.

In fact -- they should know you fully even before the relationship gets to the engagement phase. You have nothing to be ashamed of, so don't hide it -- not that I'm saying to blurt it out on the first date, either; but divulge it once the word "love" is regularly being used.

A real man who truly loves you will be supportive and stay with you -- and that's the only kind of man worth marrying anyway.

Answer 5

The time to tell someone about your condition is when things start looking like they may become serious beween the two of you. You don't have to blurt it out on the first date, but you should definitely tell them 'way before you're engaged! Waiting until after the marriage could be cause for annulment. Total honesty is vital for a successful marriage, and concealing mental illness is actually fraud. If the other person is to truly love you for who you are, they need to KNOW who you are, and you owe it to them to be honest about yourself.

Answer 6

Before marriage, but not until you think you might be getting engaged, or after being engaged, as you've done. It's sad that your engagements ended because of it, but it's better it was a broken engagement rather than an annulment, or divorce. Four engagements is a lot to have lost, it must seem that it would be better to wait until after marriage to tell of your illness, but that would be an act of desperation, and decietful; I suggest you don't wait until after marriage.

Answer 7

You definately should tell them before you get too far into even a serious relationship. Explain to them that you have it under control. Just think of if it were you with someone with the illness, you would definately want to know this before you invested so much time and energy into the relationship and you'd probably be devasted and angry if they told you after marriage. Don't be scared - if it's meant to be and if they truly love you - they will be understanding and accepting and love you regardless.

Answer 8

You should tell him. This is a serious situation. If the shoe were on the other foot, and he decided not to tell you, you would be upset. Do unto others as you would have done unto you. If he truly loves you he will stay with you and help you through this. Ask God to send you an understanding, loving man who will embrace you and your bipolar disorder. God Bless You.

Answer 9

Marriage is a very serious thing. All the cards need to be on the table. Anything less is "bait and switch." It's far better to be single than to be in an unhappy marriage, so make sure you find a spouse who is willing to accept your imperfections as well as your positive attributes.

Answer 10

I'm sorry about your engagements getting broken, that really sucks. Personally I feel one should talk about such things before even getting engaged. If they can't deal with it, it's their loss.