Best answer chosen in 10 minutes?

Question

I am down. Please make me smile.

i TRIED TO VOTE FOR BEST ANSWER AND RECIEVED THIS:

Please wait 24 hours after posting your question before choosing a best answer. This ensures a better variety of answers from which to make your selection.

The best answer will be voted icee85_26 - the one about the priest. It was awsome!!

THANK YOU ICEE!!!

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't even want your 10 points. Just hope you feel better. Here's a joke for you.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ..%$.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s..@% out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ..%$.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a
house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the
dog
is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador
Retriever sitting there.


"You talk?" the fellow asks.
"Yes, I do," the Labrador clearly replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIAabout
my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies
for eight years
running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do
some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
Listening in.
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****."

Answer 3

Smart *** Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her
hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed
at her. Without missing a beat....she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart *** Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

smart *** Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart *** Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly
at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Answer 4

Things turn out the best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.

- John Wooden

Answer 5

i was sitting in biology class when the teacher was talking about how there was sugar in semen. a girl raised her hand and asked why it didn't taste sweet. by the time she'd realized what she said, the entire class was cracking up. the teacher quieted the class down and calmly replied: it doesn't taste sweet because your sugar receptors are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat.

Answer 6

If you make yourself smile, you will release a chemical into your body that will make you feel better. Feeling better is in your hands, not mine or anyone elses.

Answer 7

It should make you smile just knowing that you have friends on this website that cares about you smiling.

Answer 8

Get a mirror and smile! Life is beautiful !

Answer 9

Confusius Say: "Girl who sit in Judge's lap get honorable discharge."

Answer 10

You just won the lottery. Go and collect it.