Am I being selfish?

Question

Ok my boyfriend and I had a vacation planned for Sunday - Tuesday. I was all excited about about this trip b/c we dont get to go very many places because my boyfrined really doent like going places because "we arent married" which is just his excuse. I asked him if he was absolutly sure we were going and I took off work for those days. He is notorious for letting me down and dissappointing me. I have took off work at least 4 times over the past year when we were "supposed" to go on a vacation and something (on his part) always came up were we couldnt go.
Well today he found out the wife of a childhood friend died and she will be at the funeral home sunday night. So again, we arent going on this vacation! Now, this "friend" of his is not really a friend any more. They never talk except maybe twice a year when my boyfriend goes into his friends business. The friend is pretty wealthy and actually snubbed my BF when he went away for college. Any my bf didnt know his wife at all

So my BF thinks it is more important to goto the funeral home than to go on vacation. And I bet this guy wouldnt expect my BF to be there. I never told him not to go - but I do think my BF needs to make it up to me. But he doesnt think so. Im just really pissed that my BF has no problem disappointing me.

Answer 1

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Hello,
My heart goes out to you. I understand you delimma. I have been through that, and know how to resolve the issue, and it works!

Tell you bf to send a card, and flowers if he wants to. Tell him that the "friend" will not notice who is there at the funeral, and who is not, because he will be grieving so deeply.
Your bf can stop by and visit him the next week, and see if he needs help with anything, which the friend will likely just need someone to have lunch with. Tell you bf to "bring" lunch to his visit.

I'm a widow, I know this is true. The funeral is a blur, but friends that visit in the following days are remembered for their caring and sharing their time.
The grieving process takes time, and things are foggy at best for the window/er, and helping hands are appreciated.

If your bf still insists that he can't go on the vacation, then go without him !!! Have a blast, and make sure when you get back you are full of laughter and excitement. Don't let him control you in this way.
Likely if he knows you are going with or without him (say it in a very nice way), I bet last minute he will decide to tag along.
If not come along this time, for sure, the next time you plan a trip, he will go I'm sure.

Don't let someone else control you...it is a sure relationship killer. Don't ever be confrontational about his efforts to control, just be bubbly and get on with what you like to do
with or without him.
He'll see that and respect you more. Promise.

I wish you love
stw

Answer 2

Vacations come and go, but now is a time to console a friend(even if it is an old one, guys often have friends in a different way as women, so don't judge if he is a friend or not, that is up to them) You would probably do the same if the roles were reversed. It is selfish not to consider his feelings and his friends feelings. It too would be selfish for him to ignore your feelings too though. Is there any way you can mix the two? Funeral then vacation?
You picked a busy guy, either deal with it, leave him, or find a solution that works for the two of you that makes him feel like he is able to support the things he needs to support while giving the time you need. Either way I doubt he is trying to avoid the vacation unless he feels it isn't in the best interests of the two of you(financial troubles, work responsibilities)?

Answer 3

Hmmm...quite a dillema you've got there. I would say no that you are not being selfish at all. You are exactly right when you say he is just making an excuse by saying that you two aren't married and that's why you can't go on vacation. Well it's nobody's business that you aren't married if and when you two actually go on vacation. To me, it sounds like you love your boyfriend very much, but if he is so notorius for letting you down and hurting your feelings I would be thinking twice about my relationship with him. Not trying to be negative, but it seems you keep taking off work for nothing. You could always do the vacation by yourself and see what he thinks of that since he never seems to want to go. Hope this has helped you and good luck to you! If you need to talk any further, you can find my e-mail address by clicking on my yahoo id there.

Answer 4

Honey, he is just using you and doesn't give a rat's a** about your feelings, dump the guy, I am sure there are a lot of guys out thier that would love to do things wiht you, take you on vacation, wherever you wanted to go, and not let you down, etc, this guy just continously leaves you hanging all the time, and he really isn't worth your time.

heck if I had a girlfriend like you, and I told her I would take her someplace for vacation, you can believe that I would do everything possible too keep my promise to you, I don't belive in making promises and not living up to them no matter how difficult it is, maybe I'm old fashioned or something, but it's obvious this guy doesn't care about your feelings at all.

Answer 5

Well, sometimes when there is a death, people put aside bad feelings and feel that they are closer to the person than they really are.

However, regardless of what happened this time, this boyfriend sounds like a dud. It is NOT selfish of you to want your guy to keep his promises. I used to date a guy who would let me down over and over because he wanted to keep from having the responsibility of being in a real relationship, and dropping him was the best thing I ever did in my life. Seriously, you are worth more than that. You deserve to be taken seriously. Somewhere there is a guy who would feel honored that you want to spend time with him. Drop this dud that you're with and go find him. Just my opinion, but if it helps, as soon as I dropped that dumb guy I met my husband only a few months later. We both feel lucky to have each other, and it's so much better than following someone around wishing you could get their attention.

Best of luck!!

Answer 6

It's understandable that you are feeling let down. However, in my opinion, don't demand him to go on vacation. You really don't know what kind of relationship your b/f and his friend have. Every friendship is a world of its own. Your b/f might want to be there to support his friend, even though he didn't know his wife. I would let this one pass, but I would discuss this with your b/f. I would say, that I feel left down yet again, but that you understand he wants to go to the funeral. However, if he were to let you down again, he'll definitely need to face the music. This is my opinion, hope it helps.

Answer 7

He's a string-a-longer. I had one of those years ago. NEVER went anywhere with him out of town as planned, but HE went and I went on my own a few times. So anti-climactic. So glad he's gone. You are not being selfish. You are being sensible. Unfortunately the sad truth seems to be that he is unreliable which I probably didn't have to tell you. He'll probably be full of excuses even years after you are just friendlily asking how things are going...from your happy home via email. Try to have fun this weekend despite his lameness. Peace.

Answer 8

You go to funerals for the living, not the dead.

But I agree it sounds like your boyfriend is wimping out. If I had a chance to spend a few days with my girlfriend or spend time at a funeral with a second-tier friend, I would chose my girlfriend every time.

Answer 9

Its sad when someone passes, but if he didn't know her and they are not really that close anymore, I think he just found this as an excuse to get out of going, I'm sorry to say.( I don't want that to sound cold.) Specially if he has done this several times before.

Answer 10

Hey! Leave the guy alone. His friend's wife died. Let him go console his friend. Just express to him that you are eager to go on vacation. Go to the funeral with him.