My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. We love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together the only thing is he hates my parents and doesn't want anything to do wtih them. Our families are very different--I was abused while growing up, it is true I was hit when I got in trouble and I was verbally abused. My parents also were not home much growing up because they worked a lot, in additon there was a lot of yelling that went on. I'm 23 years old now and although things are not perfect in my house things have gotten better. My parents are trying so hard to be "good"people they even went for counselling. My fiance says that my parents always let us down and he doesn't want anything to do with them and that if we get married he doesn't want to visit them or even let our children see them. I don't know what to do because I love my fiance but I also love my parents and I'm not going to give up on my parents that I love. People don't do a full 180 overnight.
2006-07-01 12:41:49 · 15 answers · asked by surfingroxybabe 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
okay. well, you love your fiance and he loves you that's how people get married. try to convince your fiance that they're your parents they've done so much for you. i have no idea what you should do next if you've failed convincing, though.
2006-07-01 12:47:20 · answer #1 · answered by livelaughlove<3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agreed with dunabow. Every family has its problems. Your fiance sounds like a control freak.
How have your parents let the two of you down? You were the one that dealt with them and if you are willing to accept the changes your parents have made in their relationship with you, through counseling then your fiance should too.
Perhaps the two of you should do some deep soul searching with a trained therapist before you decide if you a truly Ms. & Mr. "Right" for each other. Your pastor would be a good place to start.
2006-07-01 13:27:01 · answer #2 · answered by knittinmama 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree people don't do a 180 overnight, but I would also advise you don't just turn your head and hope it all just fixes itself. Has your fiance sought any type of counseling for his angry feelings? He has no right to try and keep you or any children you may have from your family, regardless of your past with them, and you need to speak up now and tell him so. It sounds to me like your parents are not trying to put you in the middle, but your fiance is, so the problem lies with him. Nip this in the bud now, before you're trapped in the middle of a war. Ask him what he expects you to do at your wedding or when you're in the hospital with your first baby or at holidays or birthdays? Schedule shifts for time with him and time with your parents? I understand his concern for you and his resentment of your parents, but this all seems to have happened while you were growing up and isn't about him. He needs to suck it up and at the very least be civil and polite for you. If he loves you as much as you believe, he won't be the cause of your anguish by making you chose.
2006-07-08 09:41:10 · answer #3 · answered by junebug 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't give up on your fiancee just because he doesn't like your parents. my hubby doesn't either. he probably doesn't want to see you get hurt again.
If i were you i would not just take anyone's answer for this particular decision, this is for the rest of you life right?
Go to drlaura.com for a very helpful woman who has helped thousands of couples and single parents.
you can call her also and ask her for her opinion on what to do in a situation like this. believe me you wont be disappointed!
Be sure to call between 11:30am - 3:00pm PT (2:30pm - 6:00pm ET; 1:30pm - 5:00pm CT), Monday-Friday. 1-800-DRLAURA (1-800-375-2872). Call from a land line phone, or get stationary with your cellphone.
Once you get through to the screener, be prepared with your question. Focus on the overall philosophical problem, not your specifics. Immediately, tell the screener how you expect to be helped by Dr. Laura.
Write your question down so you do not forget while you are on hold.
2006-07-01 13:08:59 · answer #4 · answered by dreamingsome 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, considering that my home life growing up, and even as an adult, was so unbearable that I have complely cut my parents off, I would say tell your finacee that this is your family and if he marries you then your family comes with it whether he likes it or not and HE needs to make the decision if he is able to deal with that. Part of marriage is the ability to meet in the middle, to compromise. If he is unwilling to do that, then maybe, and I really hate to say this, he's not the right one for you.
2006-07-01 13:32:35 · answer #5 · answered by FaerieWhings 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm with Dunabow on this one. Your fiance has no right to keep you or your children from seeing your parents. He doesn't have to see them himself, and should stay away if he cannot be civil. However, he does seem to be controlling you. I don't think he sounds like good marriage material, myself. He doesn't even seem to understand that you love your family. I'd find a more forgiving man.
2006-07-01 13:45:17 · answer #6 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is not your fiances place to deny you your parents. He sounds like a control freak. Been there done that hon! It won't work. You have just spent 6 yrs with the wrong guy. He does not have to like your parents. Just support you and smile and be tollerant. Unless you are still being abused. Then you need counceling too.
2006-07-01 12:46:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, if he's trying to control this aspect of your life before you're married, what is he going to try to control after you're married? I dated a guy like this - "dated" being the key word there. He didn't think highly of my parents and I was never allowed to meet his. If you do have kids with him, what are you going to say to them when they ask about their "other" grandparents. Presumably they will meet his parents but when their friends start talking at school about their second set of grandparents, they'll start asking you and you'll need to have an answer ready.
2006-07-02 13:56:49 · answer #8 · answered by Patricia D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your parents our making a effort to be better parents then they should be a part of your lives maybe he might not agree with everything but its best to bend and try to make it work maybe limit the times to visit them and not overwhelm him at first I am sure once you say I do things might just come around and work its way out but he has to also try if he want to spend the rest of his life with you then he should also welcome your parents its just the right thing to do.
2006-07-01 16:04:40 · answer #9 · answered by wildrose 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough decision; but, I think I have the answer. You and your husband need to compromise. Tell him that HE doesn't have to have anything to do with your parents, but taking your kids away from their grandparents before they even exist is out of the question and selfish. And if you can't do that, then no matter how much you love him, he can't be the one and he should leave.
2006-07-01 12:52:04 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋