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Tell me a good joke.

2006-07-01 10:20:53 · 20 answers · asked by GrabSomeEyes 2 in Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

20 answers

Three men want to marry the king's most beautiful daughter. The king agrees to give them a chance, but they must perform three difficult tasks: defeat an ogre, turn lead to gold, and screw a cow. The first man dies fighting the ogre, the second fails at turning lead to gold, but the third man successfully completes all three tasks.
"Congratulations!" says the king. "You may now have my daughter's hand in marriage."
"Screw that," says the man. "I want the cow."

2006-07-01 10:28:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 1

This guy is walking down the street one day and he sees a sign out side of a bar. The sign says "Free drinks all night long....see bartender." So the guy goes inside and talks to the bartender. The bartender tells him that he has a donkey in the alley out back and that if the guy could make his donkey laugh, the guy would get free drinks all night. So they guy says he will give it a shot, and the bartender takes the guy to the alley and leaves. About 5 minutes later, the bartender comes back and the donkey is just laughing his "***" off rolling around on the ground. The bartender stares in amazment and gives the guy his drinks.

A few days later, the guy is walking buy again and sees the sign in front of the bar. The guy goes inside and talks to the bartender. The bartender tells the guy that he won't win this time. The guy asks to give it a shot and the bartender agrees. The bartender takes the guy to the alley and goes back to the bar. The bartender comes back about 5 minutes later and the donkey is just crying his eyes out uncontrollably. The bartender stands there in shock. He takes the guy back inside to get him his drinks.

While the guy was drinking the bartender asks him how he got his donkey to laugh and then cry. The guy says " Well, the first night, I told him that I had a bigger dick then him. And tonight, I proved it."

2006-07-01 18:46:02 · answer #2 · answered by marine4u2107 1 · 0 0

The LAPD , The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

2006-07-01 19:36:09 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

A Engineer dies and goes to heaven,
when he arrives at the gates he
is told there was a mixup
and he was supposed to go to hell.
So he gets in the elevator
and is instantly transported to hell.
After a few days the engineer
decides hell needs soom fixing
up so he
installs some faucets with cold icewater,
a swimming pool, and best
of all AIR CONDITIONING!
A week later the Devil receives a phone call from god,
God tells him
there has been a mistake,
the engineer was supposed to be in heaven.
The Devil grins and says,
"Well its too late, we have him and we are
going to keep him."
God thinks for a minute and replies, " I'll sue!"
The devil respones with a loud burst of laugher,
"ahhhHA HA,
youwhowho, HEEHEEHEE!
Where are YOU going to get the lawyers!"

2006-07-01 21:28:06 · answer #4 · answered by mischiefmaker_kc 5 · 0 0

Bride and Groom


This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!"

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!

*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's **** in your box!!!"

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...)
The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

2006-07-01 18:11:21 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Zachary Disease, worse case ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, " is when your face rook Zachary rike your a s s."

2006-07-01 17:38:45 · answer #6 · answered by rufus_t 2 · 0 0

here is some funny yo momma jokes



yo momma so fat when she went swimming at the gulf of Mexico and when she farted it was named hurricane Katrina

yo momma so poor she walking down the street with on shoe and somebody goes up and asks her "hey, did u loose a shoe?" she says "no, i just found one!"

yo momma so ugly she went to a haunted house and she came out with a job application

Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.

Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

Yo mama's so ugly, she could only be Yo mama.

Yo mama's so ugly, people go as her for Halloween

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so old, when she was in school there was no history class.

yo mama's so stupid she used deodorant as her lipstick and she keeps saying " why doesn't my new jumbo lipstick work?"

yo momma so fat she steps on a scale and it says to be continued

2006-07-01 17:45:17 · answer #7 · answered by ♥*~me~*♥ 3 · 0 0

Marriage & Manners


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

2006-07-03 03:05:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Wife: Why don't you get in the shower room, and I will join you for a toest?
Husband: Sweetheart, I love too, and I let you choose the game.
Ha Ha Ha. Now you can laugh.

2006-07-01 17:27:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Last week I was homeless and I didn't want anyone to know.


So, I slept outside of a Ticketmaster.

lol
I was at the airport and lost my roller case. All I've got to say is thank god for those drug-sniffing dogs.

2006-07-01 17:25:36 · answer #10 · answered by god1oak 5 · 0 0

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