I met my fiance on an online dating site. It was my first attempt at online dating. As a very naive person, very soon we were conversing online and on the phone. I found him very appealing. We lived in separate states but eventually we met in person. It was love at first sight. We got engaged after 9 months of dating. All was well and I was in love and thrilled to have such a wonderful man in my life. Then I discovered by accident he has profiles in a multitude of online dating sites, including some adult/porno sites. I stopped my use of the dating site where I met him immediately after we started really dating. He did not. This is very upsetting to me. He knows I know and he continues to do it. It has created big problems for me, abusing alcohol as one of the ways to cope with this situation. I think I should end the relationship and move on. But I still love him even though I despise what he is doing. We are in our mid-40s. What am I to do? Suggestions and opinions are welcome.
2006-07-01 06:41:55 · 20 answers · asked by Dissapointed 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You either have to accept the bad with the good, or move on.
2006-07-01 06:44:03 · answer #1 · answered by BobTheBizGuru 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm only guessing here so I'm sorry about my presumptions. I wonder if you are in a hurry to settle down because of age? If so, then I think the first thing that should be done is to enjoy the person that you are. Secondly, since the two of you are already engaged, it is an insult that he still keeps his online dating profiles and it serves as a warning for you on his character and devotion in the relationship. It depends on you whether you want to heed the warning or not. Finally, since you are wiser now than before, why not put up your online profile again and find a real man this time?
2006-07-01 13:58:07 · answer #2 · answered by newbie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The dating profiles should have been cancelled and is reason to be more than upset with him; it is reason to leave him.
As far as the porno sites go, a lot of men, married and single, look at porn. The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you want to be with someone who does.
If you are thinking about ending the relationship, chances are the relationship is already barely hanging on and has problems other than what you mentioned. If it is causing you to act in ways you aren't happy about, I think you already know what you need to do.
2006-07-01 13:51:46 · answer #3 · answered by Rob K 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are actually two issues here not just one.
1. Use of pornographic materials which happened to be online. 2. Use of alternative dating sites.
Issue one all by itself would probably not be enough of a reason to end the relationship, pornography is a $4 billion annual business in the US alone. It has a mechanism for sustaining itself and making people interested in it by using their compulsive tendencies against them.
For more troubling issue is the activity on the other dating sites, at least for me, because if he felt he was fully satisfied, why is he still looking? Obviously he wants to keep his options open and that is not bode well for you. I don't think this is going to turn a very well for you if you are looking for a monogamous relationship. I don't know if you were talking about more alcoholism for his, but take responsibility for your own, and your future life and find someone else who is not secretly ambivalent. It just makes common sense. You want someone who is in love with you, committed to you and you alone, so go find that I don't pretend that this is that. You just setting yourself up for more heart ache and possible alcoholism. Remember, the tendency to rationalize one's behavior swings both ways.
2006-07-09 13:12:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, your abuse of alcohol is no "way of coping." if you're abusing alcohol, then you need to address that problem and stop making excuses for it. as far as your new hubby goes, he sounds like a jack ***. occasionally viewing free photos of nude women on-line would not be so problematic, as most males have a propensity for this, but anything beyond that, especially dating sites and paid porn sites is a sign of either a porn addiction and/or a guy searching for other women and/or prostitutes. i'm already concerned that you two got together on the Internet after living in separate states. sounds like your Internet relationship was based on fantasy, not reality. then add to this alcohol abuse and philandering and porn addiction, it looks pretty ugly. if you think it's reparable, try some marital therapy, otherwise bail out and work on your own problems so you can stop your drinking and find a decent guy.
2006-07-01 13:55:35 · answer #5 · answered by hopingurok 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I just recently found that my husband was on the sights we are in our early 40's so I decided to see what he was looking at I found some different ideas that we had not tried before we had one of the best nights we had ever had give it a try and ask for what you want them he won't need the sights but looking doesn't hurt
2006-07-01 13:51:07 · answer #6 · answered by trish 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We are both old enough,and mature enough, to know that he is not going to change after you put a wedding band on his finger.He has an addiction, to porn, to dating(loves the thrill of the chase), and to women in general. It will not be easy, but you need to stop seeing him NOW. He is playing you, and if you marry him, you're just going to be another "statistic". Better hurt a little now, rather than a lot, later. Best of Luck to you.
2006-07-01 13:49:57 · answer #7 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
either something is lacking in your relationship or it's just his fetish...Dicey situation, but, I doubt he'll change, at this age and stage of the game. Confront him, face to face. If he has trouble giving you a genuine answer, time to move on and save yourself alot of grief. These type of on-line fantasies just lead to alot of heartache when he could be with you and have the real deal instead of a picture..
2006-07-01 13:53:51 · answer #8 · answered by Grumpy1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would think that if you and he are engaged then there should be NO reason why he needs to be continuing the use of these sites. Sounds like he is still fishing to me... I would be pretty suspicious if he is unwilling to stop or remove his profiles...
2006-07-01 13:47:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
look my Lady every man has needs and he has to fulfill it, but u can make him stop go on with this porno sites if u turned on him by yourself. believe me try to find out what is the reason that make him log on and do it your self, there is no sham on this because you try to save your engagement.
I wish u a good luck with your trying
2006-07-01 13:53:41 · answer #10 · answered by mshmsh22 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what is his excuse for still using these sites? not that there is an acceptable excuse.. to me, it seems that he is out there still looking for something... find out what it is.. talk with him about how upsetting it is for you... you said he knows that you know, but does he know how upset it makes you? if not then make sure he knows this... then if he still doesn't give up the sites dump his stupid ***!!! men tend to want their cake and eat it too...make sure he knows that if he's still looking for something that he doesn't think you can give him then there is no need for you to be wasting your precious time on him..
2006-07-01 13:59:14 · answer #11 · answered by lady T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋