What do I do about my stepdaughter? I think she is having or about to have sex!?

Question

She is an extremely private person. If she even thought that i suspected this she would have a breakdown. I wrote her a letter a year or two ago talking about sex and waiting and to not be afraid if she ever "needed anything". I also let her know in the letter that we don't condone her doing it but understand that it happens. I wrote the letter because i knew she would freak out if i actually talked to her about it. Well anyway, she is 16 years old and I know it's getting to be that time anyway. I spoke to her dad about what i found. (She was looking on the internet for condoms and lubricant - It was in the "history". Anyway, he thinks i should talk to her! She hates me half the time so i really don't know what to do and I know she would freak out. I just don't want her to ruin her life by getting pregnant or a disease. She is extremely bright and does very very well in school. She really has a great future in front of her. HELP!

The computer she was on is mine. I was not looking for anything on her, i just saw it and new she was the last one on it. The other thing is that she lives with us full time. Her mother chooses to see her maybe 2 weeks out of the year at the most. So although i am not trying to replace her mother, I am in the mother role seeing as her mother doesn't want the job. I do not in any way try to keep her from my mother nor do i discourage a relationship with her mother nor do i try to force her to think of me as her mother. She loves her mom as her mom and i am thought of differently and i understand that.

Thank you to everyone that has been responding to this (very important) question! This is what I did... Remember I said she is VERY private and does not open up. I do not want her to think I was spying on her because it would be a HUGE set back in our already shaky (stepmom/ stepdaughter) relationship. Anyway, I told her that I made myself an appointment for the gyno and remembered that she needed to go for her first check up. I asked her if she would like me to make an appointment with my doctor for her. She agreed and thought that would be a good idea. I then spoke to ther nurse and found out that whenever a teenager comes in they always discuss sexual activity with them as well as birth control. She said she does not have to have our permission to get it. I wanted to make sure to see if i needed to send her with a check in case "she needed anything else". Her appointment is in a couple of weeks. That is all i know to do for now. I hope she is safe in the meantime.

Answer 1

i think you are very sweet for thinking of your step-daughter so much. you seem like you really care for her.
if she only hates you half of the time, then you are doing well especially for a step mother lol
anyway, i am sure that more than anything at her age she is just curious. i would just be very upfront about it. she knows what you think because of your letter to her already. and you should just start up a conversation about the internet and then let it kinda run into that you know there is alot of information on it that is untrue and that if she had any questions concerning the things that she is looking up, let her know that she can talk to you about it.
or you could always just write another letter to her telling her that if she needed anything to let you know, that you are there for her is the best thing, not that you want her to go out and have sex, but you know that it is her future and want her to be prepared.
i commend you on your wanting to have a relationship that is open, keep up the good work!

Answer 2

Regardless if she wants her privacy or not. The fact of the matter she lives under your roof and she's still a child. I would suggest you take her to an HIV clinic let her talk to those people that have contracted HIV thru sex, and those that have contracted the disease when having sex for the first time. There are too many risk involved in having sex today. Sex is dangerous and can/will change your life forever.
No sex is safe sex. Even if she's searching for condoms, condoms do break. I learned that the hard way. That's how my husband and I ended up with our first child.
There's has to be a clinic in your area with young mothers who can talk to her as well. How the boy got them pregnant and they are no where to be found to help support the child. Everyone is wanting to have sex but not willing to take the responsibility that comes along with it.
However, I command you on trying to protect her, and be there for her. Perhaps you guys made a mistake by giving her too much privacy to begin with. Remember, who are the parents and who's the child? Get your husband involved! Perhaps he believes it's something you can handle b/c you are a woman but this is something you've got to do together. Do what you can but ultimately she'll do what she wants in the end. Just know, that's your conscience is cleaned and you did what you could do.
I wish you the best!

Answer 3

Remember YOU should be PROUD of her for lookin up using CONDOMS that mean's she knows enough NOT to have UNPROTECTED sex.
Teenagers today are bombarded with sexually explicit material all the time especially if they are computer savy.
Her hating you probably stem's from the fact that maybe deep down inside she might think your trying to or have replaced her mother. Ask yourself if you ARE in fact trying to replace her if so why?
And if your not trying to replace her mother let her know that. NOT with a letter but with a nice light talk NOT A CONFRONTATION reminding her that NO ONE will ever replace her mother and that YOUR there to be her friend will go a long way.
Last but NOT least I commend your trying to keep a watchful eye on your stepdaughter via searching the HISTORY on the computer but IS this computer her PRIVATE computer? Because if so that's LIKE lookin into her diary and that as you should KNOW is the utmost of betrayal from a parent to a child.
Remind yourself daily that she is a smart girl and have faith that she will make the appropriate decision when the time comes.

Answer 4

First of all my hat goes off to you for handling the situation so well. I understand that this is a very delicate situation and requires much skill to get good results while avoiding a possible meltdown.
I do feel, however, that you should have insisted that your stepdaughter's father implicate himself more. He has the advantage of being blood and should have weighed in on this one. Because you handled it so well he can continue hiding his head in the sand.
Maybe after the appointment the three of you can sit down and have a dialogue. It would be a great oppurtunity for Dad to drive home the birth-control and sexual safety message. It might also help the daughter get out of her shell a little and begin to trust that even this akward subject can be discussed with her family.

Answer 5

I know this may seem a little rough to say but her privacy is very important.....well i guess this is what i would do. Make a day when you know somone who needs a babysetter for all day for a couple of 2\5 years olds where she would have to start out the day like at 6 am and not end with them untill around midnight bathing feeding and all around motherhood duties i know if i had to do that everyday i may have thought a bit about having sex with or without protection.....dont get me wrong i love my baby but there are some things better learned than said and earned

Answer 6

Keep the appointment so that she can speak with a professional. Hopefully he will have better sense than you and most of the readers here about sex: and the ONLY way to protect against std's and pregnancy - abstinance. SERIOUSLY! You should ask the Doctor if he tells minor children about the FACTS of health risks and pregnancy occurance in teens, even with condoms and other forms of birth control.

It seems so sad for this girl in her time of need, not to have a loving, compassionate, parent to speak with. Why isn't her father saying good night to her every evening and sitting with her to discuss her life? Don't you remember being 16? Didn't you need the most important man in your life to assure you of who you are and why you are valuable and that sex can hurt you emotionally, no matter how "casual" or "serious" it seems.

Being a parent (especially a step-parent) does not mean that you are supposed to be a "buddy" or "conspirator" in your child's life. It means instilling values and living by them and ENFORCING them, even if it's the harder way to go. Are you and your husband on the same page with this? Did you discuss it with him before you made the appointment. Parenting has to be a united front. Your step-daughter will thank you later, when she's grown. TRUST ME! I wish ONE person would have told me to value myself more. Especially the nit-wits at planned parenthood who hand out pills/condoms/ and misleading information and never give any real advice to the kids that go there seeking it. In fact, I went there hoping that someone would tell me that I was going to make a mistake that I couldn't undo and to reconsider. After all, those were ADULTS working there, so I trusted them. But they just handed me a bag of goodies with a wink and were happy to have another customer. I left there with a false sense of maturity, thinking, well if THEY don't have any problems with it, I guess I'm old enough to be having sex.

You are also confusing her own judgement and not giving her any type of value system when you tell her you don't condone her being sexually active and then you offer to buy her birth control. Which is it? Why even bother to say that you don't condone it? That's the same as saying that she shouldn't be drinking, then you supply alcohol for her which may possibly cause someone to get hurt or killed in an "accident". Ask yourself if you'd do that? Really, it's no different. It's "that time" too.

She may not even be looking to have sex, she may just be curious and looked it up because it was there for the looking. (Don't you have a parental filter for your computer?) Either way, I imagine in her situation, she's looking to find love and acceptance and if she's not fulfilled in her family life, there are plenty of boys out there to give it a try.

It's not too late to have your husband intervene for her.

Sorry it's so harsh, but I really care about this girl. She may end up being a prospective wife for one of my boys someday - and I keep telling them, to look for a wife who has a strong value system and has known her own worth enough to maintain that which is dearest to her, her dignity.

Answer 7

Take her to the nearest Planned Parenthood or clinic and get her all the info on birth control possible and let her know that you are there for her regardless. Hormones over rule your common sense every time when you are a teen and the best thing you can do is educate her. Pregnancy isn't the worst thing in the world these days.....AIDS is still out there. Hogtie her and drag her there if you have to!!!!!

Answer 8

It sounds as though you have a troubled relationship with her to begin with. Under these circumstances, unsolicited advice on a sensitive topic like this may make her even more angry with you. The internet history may or may not indicate she is sexually active. There are other possibilities as to why they are there. Maybe you should allow her Dad or someone else she trusts to address this topic. It might be helpful if you leave the door open for her to come to you but don't force it. If you build some kind of trust with her on other subjects, you may have more success in handling this one. Remember that ultimately sex is her decision and responsibility not yours. You can't save her from something she is not wanting to save herself from.

Answer 9

If she is old enough to have sex, she is old enough to talk about it. You do need to have a talk with her. Don't judge her, like you said you don't condone it, but don't come at her with judgment b/c she won't listen. Explain to her the dangers of STD's, and all the other things that come along with having sex. You said she was private, but you need to reassure her again that she can come and talk to you for anything and you won't judge her. Tell her how good of a young woman she is for her good grades in school and how bright her future looks. Tell her that she has to be careful and be educated about the decisions she makes and that having sex is a major decision that she needs to know everything about before doing it or continuing to do it.

Answer 10

Just tell her to ait until that time!! theres a lot of dieses out there and she could catch one by just sleeping with one guy theres a posibility she may her an (a) HIV, AIDS, STD, and even WORSE herpies and she doesnt want that!! just sit down and have a long talk with her! and she may or may not make the right choice give it some time if she does the wrong thing it will stay on ter conchence