My widowed, elderly dad is depressed - I don't know what to do.?

Question

My dad is 65 - my mom died 15 years ago. While my siblings and I all have our moments, my dad is clearly depressed. He's always had depression, severe insecurity, but losing my mom just put him over the top.

He complains about everything, backbites about my sisters in-laws (all good people). He can sometimes get quite angry and emotionally abusive, articulating that he's the best father in the world, despite having a history of emotional and physical abuse when we were kids. He has his good moments (10% of the time) where he can be funny and nice, but is mostly growing into a bitter old man, pushing people away from him, with no friends, and family that cannot stand to be around him.

I've suggested therapy (numerous times) but my dad will say "a therapist should go to me, because I can help *them*. The way I see it, putting other people down makes him feel better about himself - a self he feels unhappy about.

He's alone, and I wish I could help him - but don't know what to do.

His depression extends far back to his childhood, as a child of war. Things which I cannot even try to understand, hence we all wish he would see a therapist to see where his anger and depression comes from.

Also, medication is out of the question. He won't even take an advil or tylenol - he doesn't believe in medication, and is generally distrustful of doctors.

He doesn't drink alcohol, or any other self-medicating drugs - his problems are purely in his mind, and from experiences.

As for dating - he's 65, and he thinks he's so darn good, he won't be interested in anyone over 40. I'd be happy to see him re-marry, it doesn't bother me at all. Perhaps this is my own stubbornness, but I am not willing to set him up with a woman under 40, at his age.

Answer 1

No woman, in her right mind and any self-esteem at all, would marry a man that is abusive to his family and friends....she knows he'd do that to her too.
He sounds depressed and very controlling.

Couseling is NOT to see who's the smartest, him or the counselor...
counseling IS to help a person examine themselves, and correct the behavior that makes their-SELF sad and unhappy.
His anger is part of the depression...
Depression is wanting what you know you can't have...

relate that to him !!!

The ONLY person that can change your Dad is HIM !!! He's gotta wanna

To assure YOU that he is not acting normally, believe me that he is dreaming that any younger than 50 woman would go with a man 65+. He'd be very lucky to get the interest of a 60 year old lady.

An unbelieveable amount of baby boomers are losing their spouses, and there are lots of 60+ singles out there, both men and women.
He only needs to get out and about to find them. Most of the widow ladies attend church functions.

Another great place to meet them is in these retirement villages. These people like the amenities of living in inexpensive homes amoung folks their own age.
(I'm considering it in the next few years myself, hee hee). They play cards, work out together, swim, play other games, eat together, travel together...and more.
See if you can get him interested in making even a male friend in such a community, and then he'll be "in" among folks his own age, and learn to have some fun...
and who knows, even meet a nice widow.

I wish all of you love
stw

Answer 2

Wow, tough problem. The problem is that many people with clinical depression don't even know that they have a problem. Your dad is not likely to listen to you or your siblings but you may have more success if one of his peers or his siblings to talk to him.

Try to get him to see the family doctor as a first step (less of a stigma involved), but you may want to check if your GP has any experience with geriatric depression before bringing your dad down. Try to find out if he has any medical problems that may be causing him pain (eg arthritis) or embarrassment (eg urine leakage) that the GP may be able to treat because a) it gets him into the office of a medical professional and b) the medical problems may be affecting his mood.

Lastly, be patient. Growing old is scary. Being alone is scary. Scared people tend to be angry people. Sometimes the only thing you can do, is take him as he is and be grateful for the 10% of the time when he has good moments.

P.S. sorry about the online name, signed in using wrong account.

Answer 3

At his age, he really needs company everyday, someone he could talk to and listen to every word that he'll say. That's a sign that your Dad really loves your Mom till the end... Sadly, he developed severe depression that can change his mind setting... In spite of the emotional and physical abuse that he had done i the past as his child try to help him cope with the loss of your mother. Make him feel that all of you love him so much. Tell him that you lost your mother and you don't want to lose your father... I suggest that you hire a care giver or if you're still living with him spend more time take him out of the house go to places that can help him forget his problems and enjoy his life... Because life is too short so we have to live it the the fullest... God Bless You! and Pray for your dad's fast recovery...

Answer 4

well you raised a number of issues in this question, so I will try to answer them 1 at a time.

1. since your dad is obviously depressed, he may need to see a doctor, and the doctor he/she will put your dad on a medication that will make him feel better, but it is up to your Dad to take the medicine, which he probably won't do unless someone forces him too,which you are probably going to have to do, it's going to be hard and difficult but in the long run well worth it for both you and your father.

2. Find some activity for your father to do that will get him around some people his own age, like an older americans society, etc, where I live we have places for older people to go, and be around people thier own age, the do activity's there as a group, etc, and who knows, maybe if your Dad found someplace like that he may meet someone that will help him stop being depressed, and feeling so lonely, it is easier for your dad to talk to someone his opwn age, that will undertstand everything, then it is for him to talk to some one younger that doesn't understand " the gold old days "

3. As for you, have you tried taking him out once a week to dinner, or invitiong him over for dinner, etc, it sounds to me like he feels like he is being left all alone by his family, and that they don't care, etc.. I know you do, or you wouldn't have asked this question, but for some reason he feels like nobody does, so that si something you have to consider.

I am truly sorry to hear about your mother, I know how hard it is to lose a parent, My father died when I was 13, so if it wouldn't have been for my uncle, his brother, I would probably be bitter too, but my uncle helped me a great deal, and as for my mom, after 22 yrs of being alone, she finally re-married :)

Answer 5

Challenge him. If he says therapists should go to him, clearly he thinks he has all the answers.

You can try the "Wake up and smell the coffee Jackass" approach. Try explaining to him that if he keeps his negative attitude up no one, not even his children, will stay around to be treated like that.

Explain that life is what you make of it. If he wants it to be his own personal Hell, then it will be just that. If he wants it to be filled with Love and Joy, than those things are in his reach.

Get him something constructive to do. He needs to become engaged in life again. Try getting him into a golf group, or a fishing buddy, or whatever peaks his interest. He may learn how harsh his behavior is when he cannot make new friendships with other people.

Answer 6

How about showing a copy of this letter to him for starters???? That should make him see it your way. How about getting him on antidepressants and keep him away from booze? How about taking him somewhere that he can meet some single ladies?? Senior citizens bingo? A single man is a commodity in that age group...oh, and he's not "elderly", by the way. He needs some company. If he's a veteran, take him to the vet's home to talk about old war stories. He just needs another old fart to talk to. Sounds like he's bitter about alot of things and angry your mom dies. Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm sorry if I am way off base... but, he sounds like a drinker. Or, he could be a "dry drunk". Someone who quit drinking on their own but never did anything about the underlying causes of their drinking. It would help give him a better attitude if you went to AA.

Good luck.

Remember, there is nothing you can do about another person's attitude. It is up to them; they are the only one with any power to change their attitude. Stay out of the way of emotional abuse. And be happy coming from inside yourself. God will take care of your Dad if he asks for His help. You can be positive, sympathetic, but ultimately your are powerless to help no one but yourself.

Wishing you the best.

Answer 8

wow! the "best answer" from "here2help"is insulting! ( These people like the amenities of living in inexpensive homes amoung folks their own age) says WHO? I m 61 and a widow my brain functions and we are living longer and healthier than previous generations! so cut the crap and stop the Condescending attitudes! you too will be older one day!
what is obvious is that he needs company and something to do where he feels needed,useful and appreciated ! volunteering at any elementary school for a readers program working with children is pretty rewarding and fun! suggest this to him!

Answer 9

just be there for him, and talk to his doctor, there is a medication for depression

Answer 10

he needs LOVE! LOVE is SEX!
he dont need meds!
he dont need another marriage!
he needs LOVE only!
smileS!
ATHENA!