feeling depressed can anybody tell me a good joke?

Question

please someone told me the best cure is to laugh can someone tell me some jokes it would be much appreciated thank you

please? 10-points for you

Answer 1

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Answer 2

A frog walks into a bank and goes up to the bank teller. He notices her name is Patricia Whack. He asks "Patricia, i would like to apply for a loan. I want to get a new boat". Patricia, obviously taken aback, asks the frog his name "Its Kermit Jagger, Im Mick Jaggers son. Oh, and by the way, I know the bank manager". Patricia asks the frog what collateral he has for this loan and he hands over a small pink ceramic elephant. Patricia goes out to discuss it with the manager "You'll never believe this, but theres a frog out here wanting a loan. And all he has is this little elephant as security - what is this, anyway?". The manager replys, "Its a knick-knack, Patty whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone"

I thought that was quite good, and clean!! lol! If that dodgy joke didnt make you laugh, cheer up dude! Go have a few drinks with some mates, keep smiling - it will get better!! Good luck!

Answer 3

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Check these out too!

I really do love this country, but...

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Answer 4

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins.''
''What a coincidence,'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You sir, are the father of triplets.''
''Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence '' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. ''Don't tell me! Another coincidence?'' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!''
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly
''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... ''I should that have never taken job at Millennium Computers... ''I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers...''

Answer 5

Yes the vacations certainly make me suppose ten occasions extra depressed then what I most often get because it makes me give some thought to special elements of my lifestyles that I typically extra then most likely would not consciousness on or else. I probably love to get under the influence of alcohol as that is while I am completely satisfied. I understand it's unhappy while that is the one time I can suppose completely satisfied or even then I cry in my alcohol. The vacations are hard to naked.

Answer 6

well a women with no arms and no legs was at the beach and the life gaurd saw her cryn and ask why she said she had never had a hug before so the life gaurd gave her a hug the next day there she is cryn again so he asks whats wrong and she says iv never had a kiss before and the life gaurd say ok well ill give you a kiss,the next day rolls around and the same thing she says she is sad because she has never had sex before so he proceds to tthrow the armless legless lady in the water ans yells now your screwed. haha sorry its hard to be funny without being in person anyways hope you atleast got a smile out

Answer 7

ummm.... I'm not really a joke teller, I'm more of a joke hearer( if that maes sense?) I would tell you some funny yo mamma jokes but I think that'd be rude sense your in a bad mood. sorry and hope you feel better. try to laugh alot!!!! start by a he-he! ha dat was funny! look I'm so good @ this, ok not really but I"m still pimpin, don't worry you r 2!

Answer 8

ok, here is one:

bill gates died and went up to heaven. as a reward for his behavior on earth, he will have a huge estate and a yatch, plus fleet of cars.
he went to check out his yatch and he met the captain of the titanic. he found out from him that st. peter gave him a huge estate, a villa by the sea, a mountain villa, a fleet of cars, and his personal plane.
aghast by this info, he went up to st. peter to complain.
bill: how come he gets more than i do when i transformed the face of computer operations on earth through my dos and windows? he even crashed the titanic!
st. peter: but he crashed only once!
---

here is another one:
a passenger dressed up like a nun took a cab one night.
cab driver: sister, i've always fantasized about kissing a nun.
nun: well, you can only kiss me if you are single and a catholic.
cab driver: well, sister, i am single and i am a catholic.
cab driver then kisses the nun passionately. after kissing the nun...
cab driver: sister, i lied. i am not a single and i am not a catholic.
sister: it's ok son. i am not a nun, too. my name is matthew and i am on my way to a costume party.

Answer 9

ok,
how would you get an elephant in a fredge in three steps?





1) you open the fredge door.
2)you put the elephant in.
3)you close the door.




how would you get a girraf in the fridge in 4 steps?





1)you open the door.
2)take the elephent out.
3)put the girraf in.
4)close the door.






three men were on an air plane then the plain crashed and they fell in the middle of the desert.
so they decided to find something to get them out of here, so they found a magic lamp, so they rubbed it and the giene came out and said now each of you will have one wish only,
so the first one said i wish to go home so the giene sent him home.
the second one said i wish to go home so the giene sent him home.
the third one said to the giene: hey are you leving me here all alone? bring those two men back!!!!


i know they were silly jokes but i hope that you at least got out of your mood!
and hey smile to life and it will smile back to you!

Answer 10

You're gonna love me I hope! I've got a great collection... here's a few!

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an
old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked
hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man
kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the
teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man,
never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Another one:



A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag
on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into
the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on
the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,
setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and
pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful
piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds
by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He
hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it." So the bartender rubs
the lamp and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each
person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a
million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12
inch pianist?"

Another one:


A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"


Another one:

These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead".


Another one:

Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was
giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of
you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you
have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take
this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a
ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
question further...Have any of you ever made love to a
ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The
professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all
the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got
to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and
a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I
thought you said "Goats."

SORRY SO MANY, I TEND TO GET CARRIED AWAY. HA HA! I HOPE I CHEERED YO UP! BE HAPPY!