How to explain the death of his father to my son?

Question

My son is 7yrs. old

His dad was murdered this week.

Answer 1

When talking about death with a child, parents should explain that death means that life stops, the deceased cannot return, and the body is buried. They should also explain their religious beliefs concerning these matters. Anything less simple and explicit often causes confusion and misinterpretation. Covering death over with fiction or half-truths may increase children's fears in the future and lead to mistrust of family members. However, children's fears may be lessened when the death discussion is focused not on morbid details but on the beauty of life.

After five years of age, children gradually understand "that death is final, inevitable, universal, and personal"

The death of a parent is a traumatic loss in a child's life. Different children cope in different ways. Possible reactions and children's statements that may or may not appear include:


Denial --"I don't believe it."


Bodily distress --"I can't breathe;" "I can't sleep."


Hostile reactions to the deceased --"Didn't he care enough for me to stay alive?"


Guilt --"She got sick because I was naughty. I killed her!"


Hostile reactions to others --"It is the doctor's fault. He didn't treat him right."


Replacement --"Uncle Ben, do you love me, really love me?"


Assumption of mannerisms of deceased --"Do I look like Mommy?"


Idealization --"How dare you say anything against Daddy! He was perfect."


Anxiety --"I feel like Mommy when she died. I have a pain in my chest."


Panic --"Who will take care of me now?"

If parents are concerned about how their children are reacting, they should consult a pediatrician or professional counselor.

Parents cannot shield their children from grief and loss, but they can help them cope with it. Death is one of the few certainties of life that we must accept, however, it is still difficult for parents to explain the grieving process of death to children. This program will give parents ideas and resources to help them provide answers to a child's questions about death.

As adults, we all handle death differently. It is the same with children. Children's reactions to death depend upon their age, their relationship to the lost one, how prepared they are for it, and the response to people around them.

Children who are grieving the death of a loved one will experience that grief over many years.

They will be in touch with their grief especially when big events occur in their lives such as making the honor roll, earning a merit badge, winning a swimming competition or even their first date.

This grieving process will continue even as they advance into adulthood, reminding them of what they have lost as they approach major milestones such as graduation from high school and college, marriage and birth of babies----all moments they would have wanted to share with that person who died when they were young.
Because the emotion of grief is so hard for them to handle, children will often focus for a time on something pleasant.

When a young boy was told of his father's death, he responded with, "Can I have a bicycle?" Later explaining that he wanted to think of something "fun" something to divert the pain that he was feeling.

This is not atypical of children confronting such harsh reality.
Children believe that death is reversible. Take a cartoon character that children watch. The animal character is smashed or thrown off a cliff, in fact killed, only to bounce back to life in the next segment, looking no worse then before.

Television will have a character today playing a certain role, die, and come back tomorrow on another show.

You can tell a toddler that Daddy has died and that when someone dies, he is gone forever. The child may then go outside to play and return within the hour and ask, "When is Daddy coming home?" To this child, one hour maybe "forever".

You can help your child distinguish the difference between television and real life by being consistent with your answers to question about the reality of death.

Your child needs to hear the same information over and over again until it begins to sink in. "Daddy has died and when you die, you can never come back. He is gone forever".

What is "dead"



This is one of the most difficult questions to answers and the one that parents dread the most. Children will pick up on all sorts of non-verbal signals---- worried looks, hushed conversation, telephones calls at night, relatives showing up, less contact with you and just general tension.

Not telling the child will create more anxiety.

If death occurs, they will have been left unprepared for the event.

For example, if the father is in the hospital then the child will feel that he is staying away because he does not love her anymore, or that the illness is contagious.

Simply, children need correct information given to them in language they can understand.
Children still need to be disciplined, yet it is put aside at times of shock, grief and even stress. "Oh, let her go; her mother is so sick," thus the child has learn to manipulate: My Mom's so sick so I should be able to have anything I want, have favors and get away with anything."

Still maintain household rules and daily routines as much as possible.
As a parent, it is tempting that you protect your child from a loved one's death. It is easy for you to say, "This is more than she can handle, so I will hide my real feelings and make up some story about what really happened.

Or maybe as a parent you will say, "I want her life to go on normally without having to worry or feel bad, so I just won't tell her anything and hope she simply forgets it".

Do not fool yourself into thinking that you are protecting your child by shutting her off from reality or by telling her things that are untrue; the price for that could be years of needless anguish.

It is VERY important to use the correct terminology that children can understand and be extremely honest with them. Just use simply and honest words.

Answer only the child's direct questions. Do not give more information than what was asked for

Children will ask questions as they are ready to deal with the answers.

If you are honest and direct, your child will know that she can count on you to be available and trustworthy.

This sense of security is vital during a time when a child is dealing with a loss.
After the death of a loved one you may wonder whether you should take your child to the funeral and you may worry about the effect of such a sad event on your child's well-being.

Why are funerals important? Who are they for? Funerals are for the living. They give us the opportunity to connect with family and friends, to offer love and support to one another.

Unless there are very special circumstances, children should not be denied the support or the opportunity for mourning that a funeral can provide.

Seeing a non-moving body in a casket, then witnessing the casket closing and burial help bring closure and reality to the actual death. Sometimes closed casket burials or cremations can be confusing to children.When a loved one dies, the immediate impact is so powerful, so shattering that we just want to dismiss it.

Funerals help reconnect us with reality.

As we look at the dead body of our loved one, or the casket, we have to accept that the death as indeed occurred and let go of the fantasy that this person will return.

The ceremonies of death, the viewing, the funeral and other rituals make death more real to us.

This allows us to proceed with the grieving process by breaking through our denial and taking us toward acceptance of reality.
If possible, let the child see the dead body of his loved one, this will be extremely helpful to the child to confirm the death. This can happen during private or public visitation or the funeral itself

Without confirmation of the reality of a loved one's death, your child could spend many months or even years searching and waiting for the return of the deceased.

Even worse, the child could come to believe that the loved one has simply chosen to go away because he has done something bad or because that person does not love him anymore and that other family members are lying to him about this.
As we look at the body or casket, we begin to have our last silent conversation with our loved one.

This gives them an opportunity to say goodbye.

We can tell the deceased person all the special things we wish we would have said before like, "I love you," or "I am sorry," or "I will miss you," or anything else that you would like to say to help with the grieving process.

Ask the child if there is anything special he would like to say or leave with the deceased.

Having the opportunity to say these words in the presence of the dead body will have far more meaning than they would have when said alone.

If the casket is open, the child may elect to leave a note or a small photo tucked in the pocket of the deceased.

Children need to be asked if there is anything they would like to have buried with their loved one. As a parent you may want to suggest something nice, but more often your child will have some very significant idea of his own. (Remind them they will not get it back so favorite blankets or stuffed animals need to be considered carefully!)

There are a few circumstances under which parents may consider not taking a child to the funeral, other than the child refuses to go.

One reason might be avoid a frightening scene that could occur.

If you know that your aunt Sally, being highly emotional, will do something like throw herself into the casket, then the child does not need to be exposed to that.

With older children, you can talk to them ahead of time about Aunt Sally's emotions and discuss some ways they might help her if she starts losing control.

Answer 2

Remember that children shouldn't have to deal with adult problems...if he's too young don't tell him that his dad is dead because he's not going to understand! Just say something like, "Daddy is in a beautiful place, and he will meet you in your dreams"

Ok, now I know how old he is! Has your son ever been to church? You might want to take him, so he can understand more about God and Heaven. Sylvia Browne has a really great book called The Other Side and Back...she explains Heaven in that book. You should read over it, and then read it to your son!

Answer 3

Oh, this is a hard one. I'm so sorry for your loss. There are lots of great books out there that help kids deal with and understand death. Maria Shriver has a good one out, I can't remember the name of it, but I'll get back to you on it. Just make sure you don't tell him that his father is sleeping, that will only confuse him. You can tell him that his Daddy went to heaven, that's the simplest, easy thing for kids to understand, but he'll have a lot of questions about it, and most kids start to worry about their own chances of dying when a loved one passes away, so be prepared for that.

The Maria Shriver book is called WHAT'S HEAVEN?
If you go to Amazon.com you can type this in under books and it will also show you related books that might be helpful. I know there is one called I MISS YOU. Go to your local bookstore and see if they have these or other titles. Don't be afraid to seek some kind of grief counseling to help you and your child through this time. Also, ask your child's pediatrician for advice.

Answer 4

I'm assuming he's already been told his father is dead ... it's just explaining it - right?

If he's quite young - go find the book "The Fall of Freddy the Leaf". I hear it's good for this.

If he's older, it's going to be a lot of facts and a lot of faith and prayer.

Also learn about the 5 Stages of Grieving and make sure he works through all 5 and doesn't somehow get stuck on one somewhere, otherwise, it's time for professional help. (Same for you, too!)

Good Luck to you both!

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Just read your additional info. I'm so sorry for your loss.
You need to let him know that something very bad happened to him. That he isn't here any more. And I would advise counseling for both of you ASAP.

You will both be in my prayers tonight.

Answer 5

Oh dear - I am so sorry. How devastating this must be for you and your son. How to explain? Do you want your son to know how his father died, as I assume that he already knows that he passed away. Can you gather supportive family members together to help you with this - you need their support anyway, and then you can all decide what to tell your son. Ultimately the decision will be yours.

Answer 6

Very gently and diplomatically. You don't say how old your son is, and you obviously should tailor your approach to what he will understand depending on his age. If necessary, think of having your pastor or a Christian with you to help explain that Daddy is now in heaven.

Answer 7

You need to be more specific. Did his father die recently or when he was younger? How old is your son? Give us more details

Answer 8

just tell him that he went to heaven and GOD is taking care of him! and that he'll miss him for a little bit but he'll get to see him again some day. sorry for the loss :(

Answer 9

as a kid I would have to hug the child and show the child love and very gently explain

Answer 10

You need to post more information. How old is your child? It needs to be explained in different ways for different ages. Please give more details.

Answer 11

that his father went away, far far away where only his father could go and you will never see him again...but he's watching you guys so he better be good?