Someone tell me a funny FUNNY joke, i need a laugh?

Answer 1

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed
till I almost cried as I could just see this happening.

WAX is "Not your Friend"

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that wo uld ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull
the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the
site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! H air removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want
to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up
the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax. WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put
my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement- epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better t hen to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THER E.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Answer 2

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented,

"Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "Yep, I did it." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. The maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Answer 3

A man was very distraught at the fact that he had not taken out a woman for a very long time. He began to worry that he had something wrong with him, so he decided to employ the services of a medical sex therapist. His own GP recommended that he go to see Dr Chang, a well known Chinese sex therapist.
So he went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr Chang said, "OK, preeze take off all your crose". The man did as he was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of loom". Again the man did as he was instructed. "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me". So he did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not get dates".

Confused, the man asked "Oh my God, Dr Chang. What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

"Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your a**."

Answer 4

So I'm out in the storage room helping my husband reorganize and get rid of stuff for an upcoming yardsale. I point out to him that there are a lot of boxes that were originally labeled "baby clothes" that have been crossed out and now carry "books".

His reply:

I guess we got a new hobby.

Answer 5

Who invented women?

The Greater London Council. Who else would put a sewage works next to an adventure playground?

Answer 6

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


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How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Answer 7

a man is golfing with a stranger. they take a break and the man sees the stranger has a box. he opens it. there's a gun with a scope. he looks through and says "Hey! i can see my house from here!". then he sees his wife getting laid by his best friend. the stranger comes over. the man askes the stranger, "are u an assain?". the stranger says "yah, one thousend dollors a shot." the man says, "ok, shoot my wife in the head and the dick if that man laying her." so the assain bends down to shoot, looks through the scope and says, "hey buddy. i can save u athousand dollors if i hurry."

Answer 8

So John Kerry walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?" hahahahaha I wish I had made that one up.

Answer 9

This lady decides to go skydiving. She jumps outta the plane only to find out that her parachute failed. On her way down, she met a man who was on his way up. She said, "Excuse me sir, I thought I knew a lot about skydiving, but I don't, please tell me, how can I get this parachute to work". The man replied with, "Sorry ma'am, I don't know, I thought I knew a lot about working on Gas Stoves!"

Answer 10

i told the old people at work that i saw a cow on a forklift. a few of them game me a funny look like i was losing my mind. then i told them the cow was dead.

Answer 11

why do they spread **** all over the walls at a polock wedding?? To keep the flies off the bride! Romantic hu??