I've been with my bf for almost 3 years, I have two kids from previous marriage. He and I lived together for a year, and I moved out bc of his drinking. That was a year ago. We're still together and love each other, but his drinking is out of control. He messes up terribly (bringing home people, sometimes girls) from the bar with him. He says if I would drink with him then it wouldn't happen. I found one girl at his house on 3 separate occasions, the last time I caught her there she almost punched me. I found him in bed (underwear and shirt) with a woman that was totally naked, the other girl (I mentioned b4 was in the other room asleep) He swears nothing happened, but how am I to believe him? Friday nights are the worst (today), either something sets him off at work, or I piss him off and he is out again for another night of "fun" (torture and pain for me). Saturday and Sunday we're usually together and having fun with kids. Buut he doesn't go a day w/o drinking. Please help!
2006-06-09 06:32:21 · 8 answers · asked by S W 1 in Health ➔ Diseases & Conditions ➔ Other - Diseases
I really appreciate everyone's responses. I'm in for another long, hard night. He just called with a problem at work and told me not to call him that he needs a drink after work, and he'll call me.
Thank you all for your help. I know in my head what I have to do, but my heart isn't letting me.
2006-06-09 07:02:06 · update #1
You need to leave him. No one should have to live with an alcoholic and you cannot live with one. I am living proof. My father drank while I was growing up. My mother decided that she would be responsible for him if something happened to him (say he died outside) if she kicked him out and he didn't have anywhere to go. So she never really kicked him out.
Emotionally I have been screwed up. In an alcoholic home you grow up not knowing what to expect-there is chaos all the time. You find ways to cope with your feelings and try to survive. An alcoholic's problem is not just limited to the alcoholic-it affects the whole family. Because I didn't have my father's love I ended up looking for love elsewhere. He did love me but that didn't makeup for the times when I needed him. I ended up being sexually abused because I went looking for the love I needed but never got.
Why do you want toput up with it? If you haven't seen the movie "When a Man loves a woman" with Meg Ryan please rent it. This will give you an idea of what life is like with an alcoholic. He will probably continue to cheat whether he did anything or not. Is this the way for your boyfriend to act? Why do you want to take the abuse? It has nothing to do with the fact that you don't drink with him.
I would make a list of pros and cons and be totally honest about the relationship. See what you come up with. You may also want to try Al-Anon and possibly see a counselor and talk about your feelings and what is going on.
He is the alcoholic-he is responsible for himself. If he chooses to stay this way-he will make his bed and lay in it.
Two days out of the week doesn't sound that great. One thing to remember is that your children will see this and they themselves could have a problem as they grow older and I guarantee you that they will seek someone with the same behaviors that your boyfriend has. Why do they want to choose anyone else? What they will grow up with is what they will have been exposed to all their life and they will think the whole world is like that.
I wonder if you came from the same sort of background. Its amazing that most of the people I work with came from families with alcoholic backgrounds. Its amazing that we survived but we have also paid a price. What about you?
Life isn't perfect but it is what you make it. You cannot change what happened to you but you have the ability to change your life from this point on. We are responsible to ourselves #1. Do you call this living?
Lastly you may love and have feelings for him but that doesn't mean you need to put up with it. I told my husband that if he ever started drinking heavily I would divorce him in a heart beat. I grew up with it and I did not want to live that away again. I think you have to examine the answers why you continue to stay with him.
Life is too dam short and you and your children will miss out on a lot of things. Your heart will heal over time as you go on with your life and provide as best you can for your children. But you need to go on with your life. Don't stop living for someone who is destroying your life and the people around him.
2006-06-11 06:38:05 · answer #1 · answered by rusty 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like your life is really being torn apart by this. You should check out al anon, a group for family members, friends and loved ones of alcoholics. You can attend meetings even if he is not in AA, and they can help you with the pain this is causing you.
I have to say, though, there are people known as "enablers", people who allow alcoholics to keep drinking and to keep ruining their lives and the lives of those around them. By staying with this man, and giving him no repercussions for his drinking, you are an enabler.
This is not to say that any of this is your fault, because it's not, but one way to stop being an enabler is to leave this person's life for as long as they drink. It seems that if every Friday night is hell for you, and if you have found this man cheating on you, it is time to leave this relationship, especially since you have children to think about. You might think they don't know about all of this, but they probably do, and seeing you under so much stress probably puts them under a lot of stress, too. I know it's hard when you love someone who is an alcoholic, I have been in a similar situation, but you are not helping either him or yourself by staying.
Even if you want to stay with him, I hope you will check out al anon, the people in this group can be a great help.
2006-06-09 06:46:47 · answer #2 · answered by cay_damay 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to him eye- to eye when he is sober and not drinking in the morning! He is in denial now. Find the right moment to tackle this issue.
Persuade him nicely by being assertive. Tell him that you are not feeling uncomfortable when he starts to drink! Ask him to get help and go couselor/rehab!
If he doesnt want to....you have to make a choice by leaving him! You have to respect yourself 1st and protect your kids and you, before anything worst happens.
My opinion is harsh but you cant correct someone who is tipsy, high and in denial. He got problems for sure! Until he gets help and sober himself, you have to be alone from him! Stop being treated like a second best by your bf! Dont take the risk!
2006-06-09 06:44:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must leave him for the sake of your kids. You don't want them to grow up behaving like him or having a boyfriend/husband who behaves like him. Remember, your children think everything you do is acceptable. If it isn't acceptable, you have to get out of it.
Even if you children love his company, they will display the signs of emotional damage later. He wishes to destroy himself and everyone around him in the most selfish way. Think of your kids and leave. Your heart says one thing, your head another. You already know what to do. Find the support of friends/family/church and it will be easier. Your children will thank you later with good lives.
2006-06-09 06:59:10 · answer #4 · answered by Discipulo legis, quis cogitat? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really want to find that out you have to do that by yourself. I mean, stuffs like talking to him about that girl seriously or you can even spy on him. Never forget that guys are easily tempted by easy going girl just for the sake to physical needs in diversified form. That could not be for the sake of love. And the best thing you need to do is try to be his best as you know him.
2016-03-26 23:17:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
no matter how happy you think you are with him and how much you think you love him, all he is doing is causing you pain..and if you found other women in his bed then yeah he prolly did stuff and u dont deserve someone like this, you deserve someone that'll treat you better..and ur not obsessing over his alcoholic problems its just not right of him to do that to you at all! And think of ur kids also do you want them around that, do they want to see you down b/c of him of course not they want to see you happy
2006-06-09 06:41:23 · answer #6 · answered by juggalette606060 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to give him an ultimatum . stop drinking or your gone.
your not obbsessing he has a problem that will destroy you and your children if you dont leave or he doesnt stop.
Be strong and leave him its best for you and more importantly your children.
Been there done that ! peace.
2006-06-09 06:39:13 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU LEAVE HIM
2006-06-09 06:37:04 · answer #8 · answered by Sweetpea 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋