How to talk to your brother about how he's scolding his child.?

Question

My brother is a big man 250Lbs, 6'4". When he scolds his child, he does it very physically. He rarely hits the child, but he does a lot of grabbing and jerking and pushing the child down. I'm afraid one day that he'll really hurt his child. How can I talk with him about it and not make a family feud over it? We've tried to approach him before, but he normally nips it in the bud and changes the subject with a tone that suggests he doesn't want to get into that subject.

Answer 1

Here is an interesting article regarding disciplining children with a section on the consequences of his physical punishment. If nothing else, just print out a copy and give to him.

By Better Health Channel,
Government Organization
Better Health Channel, Victoria Austrailia



Disciplining children
Discipline is not another word for punishment. Disciplining your child means teaching them responsible behaviour and self-control. With appropriate and consistent discipline, your child will learn about consequences and taking responsibility for their own actions. The ultimate aim is to encourage the child to discipline and control themselves. At its best, discipline rewards the child for good behaviour and discourages bad behaviour using fair and positive means. Some parents think that discipline means physical punishment, such as hitting and smacking, or verbal abuse such as yelling or threatening the child. This is not discipline.

The consequences of physical punishment

Children learn by example, and numerous studies show that the most influential role models in a child's life are their parents. Inflicting pain on the child to stop them from misbehaving teaches them to solve problems with violence. Other problems caused by physical punishment include:

The possibility of injury.
The lost opportunity to explain why the child's behaviour was wrong and the chance to offer alternatives.
The immediate pain, anger and hurt felt by the child.
Over the long term, the child may become withdrawn, fearful or bullying.
The child may try to avoid physical punishment by lying or stealth.
Reasons for misbehaviour
Children misbehave for many reasons, including:

They are too young to know that their actions are unacceptable.
They are frustrated, angry or upset and have no other reasonable way to express their feelings.
They are stressed by major changes, such as divorce, a new sibling or starting school.
They want your undivided attention.
They feel you have been unfair and want to punish you.
They need a greater degree of independence and feel constricted.
Your child's ability to understand
A child's intellectual ability develops over time. A very young child, such as a baby, has no comprehension of right and wrong, so any attempt at discipline is a wasted effort. It is important to pace the discipline of your child with your child's capacity to understand. For instance, your three year old needs to know why a certain behaviour is unacceptable, but won't grasp a longwinded or sophisticated explanation. Try to explain things to your child at their level. Encourage your child to tell you how they are feeling. Perhaps they threw a temper tantrum because they were afraid or nervous. If you know the reasons for your child's misbehaviour, you can help solve the underlying problems.

Sticking to the rules
You need to be consistent with rules of behaviour, or else you risk confusing the child. Suggestions include:

If you are amused by your child's naughty behaviour, try not to show it on your face, or else your child might think you approve.
Don't bend rules too often, because the child won't know whether or not a certain behaviour is permitted.
Clearly explain the preferred behaviour, to make sure your child understands what you expect of them.
Make sure you're not expecting too much, for example it is normal for young toddlers to make a mess while they are eating, because motor control and table manners take time to master.
Don't make empty threats, or your child will ignore your warning signs.
Ask your child to be involved in some of the rule making for the family.
Explaining consequences
Good discipline helps a child to learn that there are consequences for their actions. Ideally, the consequence should immediately follow the action, or else the child may forget and fail to make the connection. Teaching your child about consequences may include:

Cleaning up a mess they have made
Tidying up their toys when they can't find the one they are looking for
Spending time alone when they have been naughty
Playing by themselves when they have been aggressive.
Taking time out
Many parents use some form of 'time out' to discipline their children. Time out means asking the child to be alone for a while to think about their actions. Children under three years of age don't have the intellectual maturity to understand time out, but it can be a valuable opportunity for self-reflection with older children. As a general guide, time out can be around one minute for every year of your child's age.

Reinforcing good behaviour
A child naturally wants the love and approval of their parents, so one of the easiest ways to encourage good behaviour is to reward and praise them for it.

Things to remember
Discipline is not another word for punishment.
Disciplining your child means teaching them responsible behaviour and self-control.
Pace the discipline of your child with your child's capacity to understand.

Answer 2

Hmm. That is a tough one..because people are hard to talk to about how they discipline their kids. It is especially difficult with a relative.

The grabbing, jerking, and pushing would make me very uncomfortable. I even believe that it is worthy of a call to DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services). It seems as if his punishment involves intimidation, and considering his size..that seems abusive.

You might want to tell him that you will report him if you hear that he has mishandled his child. This might get him to reconsider his behavior. You might also refer him to get counseling for anger management. I bet his handling of the child in such an aggressive manner has a lot to do with his inability to cope with anger effectively. He might also want to take a workshop in parenting.

I hope this helps. Please feel free to email me if you feel I can help further.

Answer 3

It sounds to me that he knows his behavior is wrong which is why he doesn't want to talk about it. I say you give him some literature on physical abuse and tell him that you're afraid he might cross over. He needs to realize that he is terrifying his child and that will have an enormous impact on their relationship in the future. good luck!

Answer 4

have his wife and you maybe his mom sit down and make him listen to what need to be said before some one turns him into cps and he loses his son