what can i do?

Question

I feel really unhappy in my marriage, my husband is hard to talk to, and sometimes i get frustrated and lose my temper(i try but it is hard no to shout sometimes), i always feel i come second best, and that he never considers my feelings. He only goes to the pub once a week, but he has started to stay later and later,he also goes on lads weekends away twice a year, he really gets angry with me if i question him. He is never keen to do anything with me though. He is not Christian, so he doesnt share my views on porn, etc(which he is also fond of). I always thought my Husband would be my best friend, and would really care for my feelings- but he usually tells me i am over reacting and smirks at me or just says i am pathetic when i try and talk to him. Our love life is ok, but i want to be more to him than that. I am fed up of feeling lonely. I dont want to divorce, but i already feel like a single parent sometimes! I know it will never be perfect, but cant it be more than this?

i do go out sometimes, but the children are nearly always with me. I wasnt a Christian when we first got together, so i know i have changed a bit, but he always seems ok with that.

Answer 1

1 Peter 3:1-4
Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

The non-Christian man is likely to reject any talk of putting faith in Jesus Christ. It has to do with pride, and with him feeling quite self-sufficient. However, Peter says that your "conduct", not your words, will win him over. I know this is very difficult. No one wants to feel like they are second best. But you may be the only example of Christ he ever sees. Your concern over porn is quite justified. Also, why is he staying out later and later at the pub?

From a biblical perspective, it is best to stay with your husband. However, if he is unfaithful, or has committed adultery, he has broken a covenant with you and God, and you are longer obligated to that covenant.

My best advice for you right now is to find an older lady from your church to meet with and talk with about your struggle. You will want to find someone well founded in the Bible, and also one who can be trusted not to spread gossip, but to pray with you and for you.

Hang in there. You have a good heart and I know God can do mighty things through you.

Answer 2

Lots of issues here.

The first thing you must do is learn to love yourself. Take him out of the picture entirely, and even if the kids if necessary. If you need to go away to do this, then do so. (Excuse me now to step out of my comfort zone to try to give you advice that will apply to your own spiritual choice while not infringing on mine in any way.)

Ahem
You are a child of God. You are sacred. Take a good look at yourself and see God in your eyes. Seriously. If I could take more words to tell you to do this I would just to emphasize its importance I would, but there's only so many ways to say the same thing. Treat yourself like a vessel of the holy spirit, because it is what you are. Treat everyone else likewise, because it is what they are, and if they refuse to treat you likewise, as is your due, do not associate yourself with them.

Once you've got that down, understand something else. You are in complete control of yourself and only yourself. But you are also in complete control of how you perceive everything. When your husband goes to the pub, you can say, "Alas, stuck home with the kids again." Or you can say, "Alright, it's time to have some fun just me and the kids!!"

The other side of this is the fact that you can't control anyone else's perceptions. You have absolutely no clue what's going on in your husband's head, and you never will. Understand that and accept that. It will make loving him easier.

And since we're on the subject of love, how can you say your love life is okay? Love does not call people pathetic. Your lovelife is certainly not okay. Your sex life is okay maybe, but those are two different things. If you must equate love with sex, then I suggest you demand love before you start giving out sex. Love respects the wishes of others not to look at porn. Love does not seek out the company of others over the one that is supposedly loved.

This doesn't mean, of course, that you should get divorced, but unless things change, you might want to accept the fact that what you have there is a loveless marriage. That's not a big deal. You don't need love to have a successful marriage, but what you do need is respect and cooperation.

Now, you mentioned that you converted to Christianity after your marriage. Understand that this means you are in fact, not the girl he married. You can't blame him then for feeling differently toward this new woman. You must allow him time to get to know the new woman and come to love her and you must accept that, perhaps, this might not happen. Whenever we make a huge change like this we run the risk of losing people close to us. If he quit drinking, then I suspect he'd lose a few lads, eh? It's the same idea. If it's worth it to you, then you let those people go. If it's not then you don't make the change.

Mind you, this also doesn't mean you need to divorce. Carry on, raise your children, live off his paycheck. You mind your business, he can mind his.

Answer 3

Yeah, be the Wife of Noble Character (Proverbs 31: 10-31) even if it about kills you emotionally. That's God's will for you as his wife, whether your husband follows it or not.

God will either lead you out of the marriage (remember that infidelity is a grounds for divorce, even in God's eyes), or your husband will come around with God's help. But trust God to do that.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you married someone you are unequally yoked with, and you are the one pulling all of the weight. My husband is a Christian, and a true man of God, but he seriously does some of the things you described, like not considering my feelings, pushing me to the point sometimes where I feel screaming is the only answer. Part of it is just that he's, well, a guy lol.

Answer 4

He calls you pathetic? Girl.....I don't care if you are Christian or not, that's abusive. You don't have to take that. Tell him if he wants your marriage to continue that he needs to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, take him to the cleaner in divorce court. You have enough of a case against him with the porn and spending nights away at the pub and with his lads on weekends. You have to think about yourself and your child(ren). What if he's sleeping around on you with some other woman or another guy? He could be infecting you with all kinds of things. He should either have to shape up or ship out. There are lots of passages on that in the Bible especially if he's being unfaithful. It's not your fault and in the eyes of God your still sin free.

Answer 5

Look, my parents are like you and your husband, I´m 25 now and still feel very bad when I hear them arguing, the used to really make feel bad when I was little, I cried every time they started arguing, I always told them (and still do) to divorce, maybe you think that your kids are going to suffer with a divorce but I can tell you that seeing their parents arguing it worse and they DO know things are bad.
Maybe you need to stand up a little higher, don´t let him treat you like that, also think about how you treat him, is it right? do you treat him the way you would like to be treated?
My dad doesn´t believe in God either but my mom respect that, you need to respect his points of view, give him some room and show him you can have fun without him, don´t depend so much on him.

Answer 6

Sounds like u r in a bad situation. Hang in there. No marriage is ever perfect. There is a biblical promise for salvation for our household. I hung onto that and prayed about it and my hubby is now a christian, too. Give it some time. I will pray for u. I also was not a christian until 4 years into marriage.

Answer 7

naw, I really feel for you. The sad part is, is that you can't change your husband. He'll have to do that all on his own. But you don't have to stay where you are :) When he goes out, round up a babysitter for that night and you go somewhere, have a good time, and few drinks. Don't say anything to him anymore about how you feel ( this will phyce him out ) just have fun with yourself and don't live in missery :) Good luck!

Answer 8

You are really in bad situation. I can't help you, but you can help yourself. No matter what, you should divorce him. I wish you a lot of luck with it, and I hope you'll find luck somewhere else. Life is too short to suffer, so do the best for yourself and enjoy in this life while you can. No one is worth our tears and unhappiness. Talk to your true friends and be smart.

Answer 9

Who ever said that life is easy let alone marriage. We, and yes we made a vow to the LORD that for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health til death do you part. Now which part of that don't you understand? and that goes to your husband too. Try to communicate with him the best possible way you can and the best way he might understand. You and only you will know how to make it happen for you both.........GOD BLESS

Answer 10

I've already answered your question love. This is a serious matter and rather than looking for answers from people on Yahoo - why don't you speak to a professional. Life is too short!