Why wasn't I asked to be a bridesmaid?

Question

Sorry if this is long.

One of my very close friends is getting married this upcoming summer. We recently graduated college in May 2007 and got jobs in cities about 1.5 hours from one another. We have both been rather busy starting our careers and getting settled, but talk on the phone and e-mail regularly and plan visits every 2-3 months. I was the first person after family that she called when she returned from Greece with her new fiance. We were sorority sisters in college and spent a great deal of time together and were extremely close.

I would say that her closest friends in college were two different groups of three girls. Our 'groups' liked one another a great deal and often went out together as a larger group of girls, but we were closest to the other girls within our smaller groups.

I remember talking to my friend about her wedding and she told me that she would like to informally ask me to be a bridesmaid, and of course, I agreed.

After we starting working and wedding planning was more official, she decided to eliminate the possible drama that would be created if she had to pick and choose only a few girls from the 6 (sorority sisters at that - oh the horror, hah) she considered closest to her in college. She told me that she would have a wedding party of 5 on each side, and that they would consist of family and long term close friends from her hometown that she did not attend college with.

The other day, she called me to tell me that she would be extending her wedding party to accommodate her fiance, who wanted to include two other guy friends. She said she didn't want to rank her friends from college because she loved us all, but she decided to go with two girls from the other 'group' of friends. One of them works and lives in her area, so I understand that it could be more convenient. But the other just moved across the country with her military husband, and wasn't as close to her in college at all.

She apologized and told me she thought the arrangement would be the least dramatic and that she wishes I could be in her wedding. I told her that all I wanted was for her to have a happy marriage, and that I appreciate her telling me. This is her wedding, and I want it to be wonderful, but I admit that I am a little hurt and did not tell her so. I feel a little let down, especially when I was originally the first of her college friends she asked to be a bridesmaid. I know we don't live in the same area any more, but I didn't experience any sort of rift as friends with her, so this is why I'm confused. I'm not trying to be selfish and catty, I just feel left out.

Any advice? Thanks!

All of the girls were a part of the same sorority.

Answer 1

I add to the previous writer. Do you realize how ridiculous huge wedding parties look like. Don't feel bad, after mom and dad pay for the wedding they start demanding that sisters and cousins and the whole family dynamic takes place that is out of control. Brides frequently get into the "Center of universe" mode and it isn't pretty. Be thankful you don't live in the same town...you will spend the next six months helping her with the shade of purple for her cake flowers....it will seem funny later..believe me. She just did you a HAAUUGE favor leaving 250 bucks in your wallet for a disgusting dress you will never wear again. Thank her profusely and don't think twice about it.

Remember this when your time is due!

Answer 2

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, especially since she asked you informally at one time and you were the first to know of her engagement. It was obvious that she needed to call you to explain herself because she knew in her heart that you were expecting to be a bridesmaid. Obviously, she had other reasons or probably "obligations" for choosing the people that she did. It does sound like she feels a friendship toward you otherwise she wouldn't have called you to begin with. I know this is easier said than done, but try to attend and congradulate her with an open heart.

Answer 3

You have every right to feel hurt. You could spend a countless amount of time and energy trying to figure out why she decided not to include you - but my advice is to stop after you get your answers here. It's not going to change her decision and you'll never really know why. I'm sorry that you feel left out. Just enjoy the fact that you don't have any financial obligations or bridesmaid duties to worry about. You can just sit back and enjoy the wedding and being around your old sisters.

Since this is answers... If I had to guess, she might have been closer to you back then but feels closer to those other girls now. Maybe they have similar careers, spouses, futures? Maybe your path is going in a completely different direction and she thinks you two will only grow futher apart as the years go on. Just my thoughts.

Answer 4

The hardest thing for a bride is to not hurt her friends feelings. Just because she didnt choose you as a bridesmaid doesnt mean she doesnt like you as much as the rest. Its hard to decide who to use when you have so many people who have touched your life so dearly. Yes its hard but sometimes its best. When you are a bridesmaid you have to deal with all the stress. At least this way you can go to the wedding and actually enjoy the wedding.

Answer 5

It's ok to feel a bit hurt, but you are right in your attitude that its her wedding day and she can do as she pleases. Keep your feelings to yourself, it wont casue anything but the drama she feels she is avoiding if you speak up and tell her that you are hurt, so I would just keep quiet about all of it and be a supportive and good friend to her.
I have to be honest, this really isnt all that big of a deal, I was not asked to be in my actual blood sister's wedding, I dont even recall it stinging that she didnt ask me, its just what she wanted and the way it was and I was way more thrilled for her that she was marrying than I was concerned that I wasnt in the wedding party. This is something you will have to come to terms with privately and just get over, it may take you a while, but honestly, being excluded from a wedding party really isnt a good excuse to quit a friendship. Weddings are tough all over, its one of the most stressful times and you really find out alot about people when you plan a wedding. Be sure that at the end of this she recalls how great you were during this time and not how you pouted about not being chosen over other girls.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I understand that you are a little hurt, but look at it this way...you can actually wear what you want to wear to the wedding, you have absolutely no responsibilities or duties to perform and you can just go and enjoy yourself. Take advantage of the fact you are shelling out money for a dress you would never ever wear again!!

You did the right thing by being so kind and generous with what you said to her. Just keep those thoughts in your head. She actually did you a huge favor!! If you want to get involved on some level then throw her a shower. It could be a his and hers shower...where the couple is invited and they get things for the home, or do a pretty panties shower just for her. That way you will feel as if you are apart of it and she will love you for it.

Answer 7

It seems like she isn't a good friend. She is trying to please everyone. But she hurt you and I would be happy for her but I wouldn't pursue a friendship with someone that can so easily turn her back on you to save face with everyone else. She dosen't know the true meaning of friendship.

Answer 8

I don't agree with anyone. It's BS you weren't chosen. Seriously why wouldn't you chose your best friend to be your Maid of Honor? I chose my two best friends when I got married and left the girls that I barely see out of the picture. She's got a bug up her butt and I'd tell her it's not excuse she didn't pick you. A girl that lives half across the country really? how is she standing up? dress fittings, bridal shower, bacherlorette party? she's not going to make it to any of those. When you would of been there willing! Did something happen between you two that she hasn't gotten over?

Answer 9

Understand why you feel the way you do. Look at it this way; somebody and more than one including yourself are in the same boat as in not included in wedding party. One day you will be the bride and you will see the stress that goes with making these choices which usually come down to money...the bigger the bridal party the bigger the payout...she probably feels very badly and is crossing her fingers she will not lose friends over it.....so.....LET IT GO...and let her have her day, and hopefully when it comes to your own wedding...people will let it go and just let you have your day without worrying about if you have offended anyone. THAT is the most loving thing you can do for your friend, she will appreciate the understanding and cooperative way in which you handle it. Get her a nice present, go, have fun and be happy for her. AND you can still feel good about it...that you went and had a good time and retain your friendship.

Its not a biggie..trust me. Also, mom of the bride has input too and so does hubby and sis etc etc. She is likely pulled in many directions in making her final decisions.

Answer 10

When I get married, I'm gonna prolly cut my bestfriend from the bridesmaid line up. I'm gonna have 1 flower girl, 1 jr bridesmaid, 3 bridesmaids, and one maid of honor and a matron of honor. That is unless I invite someone from my fiance's side.

I hope she doesn't take it as hard as you. We've seen each other like oncce in the past 4-5 yrs. We kinda lead our own lives, but have been there when the other needed someone.