How to hande it, What to say when confronting the biological parent that walked out on you?

Question

I plan to call my biological father tonight. He walked out on me. Last time I saw him was at age 9.

To put 2007 behind me and my past, I plan to call him tonight.

To ask:
What are you doing right now?
Why did you walk out?
Why did you never contact me?
Why was I never worth your time?
Why don't I mean anything to you?

I plan to do that tonight, then to leave it in 2007, and start 2008 off free from my past.

Has anyone ever confronted a biological parent before? How did it go?

Any tips on what I should say or ask?

I feel like telling him that I hate him for failing me, for never comunicating with me, for showing me I was not worth his time. I feel like telling him I hate him, because he knew my mom married an abusive guy, and he never ever offered to rescue me. He also failed to pay child support, which I don't really care about. What bothers me is he was never there for me. Never there for special moments, or to make me feel special, never there to direct me.

Biggest problem is that in all honesty, as much as I claim to hate him. As much as I try to shove him out of my heart.
Even though I know he was very abusive to me in ways.

Deep down, in the depth of my heart, no matter how uch I try to tell myself I hate him, in an attempt to cover the pain.
Deep down, I hate admitting I love him, the void he left is there and all I can do is wish things were different.

Any advise please on how I should handle this phone call I have to make? On what I should say, etc?


Thing is, my step dad, who hated me, fifteen years after his oldest kid walked out of his life. I watched my step become a man, he picked the phone up 6 months ago and called his boy. That is the first time I ever respected my step dad, because deep down I envied the fact that he would do that for his kid. I wished deep down that, that was my dad doing that for me.

Btw-as far as age goes-I'm 22, nearly 23.

Answer 1

your too young to confront this. wait a few more years, you'll know when the time is better.

Answer 2

wow, u basicly just described some of my story.
im 16 and my dad left us when my brother was born[[19 years ago]]then he came back 3 years later, told my mom he had changed, they had me and he left when I was born[[16 years ago]] i never knew the COMPLETE story om how my mom would choose such a horrible man, but then she finally told me the truth last year and i was in complete shock! but i knew i had to confront him on how miserable we lived wen i was younger, on how i needed a father but he wasnt there[[he forgot my birthday when i was 8!i was born on christmas and my name is Christina they go together]]and i knew if i wanted to go on w/my life i NEEDED to tell him how I felt, without him being able to explain anything at all. I was going to a phycologists for 2 years and she had said he best way for me to go on with my life, is to let go of the grudge so she prepared me to talk to him, in about 4 months, she showed me how to gain confidence, by making me write to him my emotions,[[just to make me get the feelings out]] and i bawled, because i realized how much this man had hurt me, soo finally on jan 11th'06 i called him and didn't let him talk AT ALL!he would start like"oh hi hunny how are you?"as tho nothing was wrong, and that got me pissssed off!so i was telling him off everything I felt I said and let out, and he tried to say something like "no your mom didnt tell you the whole story"and i just said "SHUT UP!im talking right now!!do u really think you have the right to interupt!?"and I felt soo secure and confident!it was great!!!!!!!
ever since then, I've wanted him out of my life[[because I do not need him anymore]]and he accepted that, and now im free as ever!!!! I say GO FOR IT!!!! i can help u in anyway possible :) i hoped this helped :)

Answer 3

I think what your planning to ask/say is perfect. Tell him straight up, "why did you walk out on me" and every other thing you said you were going to ask. People are saying take is slow but I dont think they understand... If you want to start yelling at him and want to show him you anger, do it! From personal experience, what my dad did just enraged me inside.... It tore me apart for years... I wrote my piece of crap dad thats in jail a letter asking stuff like that and he just gave bulls**t answers. But after asking him I felt a sense of satisfaction and now I'm just going to get it behind me.....


My dad got into drugs and walked out on me when I was 5 and I have hated him ever since. He went to jail for 5 years and contacted me and my mom when I was 10. He showed up at our house and tried to make every thing better but I wasn't going to give in just like that. I was willing to try and mend our relationship though.... He talked to us and hung out with us for about 6 or 7 months and was going to get ready to move back in with us. But you know what? he got back into those damn drugs again and walked out on me yet again. 5 months later he did some stupid sh!t again and got sentenced to a minimum of 16 years. I'm 13 now and dont care about that piece of crap. He send me letters and says he loves me and is sorry but he doesn't even know me. I throw them right in the trash. He isn't going to ruin my life again when he gets out again and when I have my own family. I cant even tell you how pissed I am at him. But like you, deep deep down I still have love for that man. No matter how much I say I hate him, I still have some love for him.

And thats my resoltion this year, put this crap behind me and move on with my life.....

Props to you bro for bringing up this personal issue in you life! I am very sensitive about this kind of stuff but venting just now felt pretty good. Thanks man and hope it goes alright when you call you dad.... Everything's going to be alright... just get it behind you and move on with your life....
;)

I feel for ya!

Answer 4

Ok you got honest with yourself. Good step. Now - right now is when you lay that hurt down. The time has passed and the opportunity to be at your birthday party is gone. Same for the high school graduation and so on. All gone. so lay it down.
What you can legitimately still ask is for him to help you understand two things. First help me understand why you left.
And second, why you never contacted us. That's it. You can ask those questions. You can't make him answer. You can't make the answers into what you want them to be. so good luck.

Answer 5

I feel for you. But let me ask you if you had any contact at all with your dad in the last 15 years??/ Cards, lettters, holidays, birthdays ANY? If not this could be difficult to do. But try and just take it slow. Don't have worries about his reaction at first. There is a side to his story. It is in thousands of lives, books, movies and in our real personel lives. My dad left at 3yrs of age. No child supp, or very little connection with me. At the end of life he had cancer and I went to see him he tried to reach out and sey I am sorry son. That was enoughf for me. I had made peace with myself and I am glad that I did. So I will pray for you and you are young and will be OK. Best Wishes! And don't give up!!

Answer 6

Please don't call him unless you're willing to speak to him in a positive manner and start a new and positive relationship. My *relative* went looking for her Bio Father and found him in prison. Which only gave her a whole new set of emotions to deal with - none of them good. Don't do this to yourself. You are worth way more than that. One day you may have your questions answered, but don't go looking for heartache. He too will someday pay if he truly abandoned you out of no love or lack of it... he will pay, and he will have to answer for it. Probably to a much higher source.

Answer 7

This makes me so sad. But honestly, go for it if it will make you feel better and good for you for having the strength to do it. I know I will hafta deal with this (from the sidelines) one day as my daughters father is gone as well. Saw her 3 times. The last time she was 4 months. And nothing since. He is totally useless other then that he does pay his child support because he is being forced to otherwise he wouldn't. Honestly would you mind letting me know how it goes? I worry so much one day about this same thing. My email is [e-mail]. Would love to know what comes of this and whether or not it helped you. I hope you have a Happy New Year otherwise.

Answer 8

Wells both my parents are still together but, i would suggest you should just say hi first and get to know each other more and ask him more questions.

Answer 9

Remember to be nice. You do not know the circumstances so don't jump to conclusions. Your bio parent may have done this to your Mom and not realized how you were hurt in the process. Ask him why? And then listen. Don't be furious right now because you may just have a selfish Dad that wanted something different that the family life. Remember you can't choose your parents. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on with your life. You will miss out on life if you let this drag you down.

Answer 10

no but try to stay calm when asking...its ok to do these but do it calmly....good luck.. First ask about health and marriages etc