Child visitation interferance: Morally correct or not?

Question

Yesterday I picked up my 11 year old daughter, the mother and I agreed on no set time to meet the next day (today) to drop her off.

Fast forward to today

My daughter talked to her mom on the phone then handed me the phone. The mom said " can you please feed her she said she is starving. I jokingly said "no", but then said of course she is going to be fed, but she just woke up and took a shower, and once me and my other daughter take a shower we are going out to eat then to the movies.

about 10 min later:
I get a call from the Mom, she said " I'm on my way over right now to pick her up" i said " don't pick her up now we are getting ready to go out, we can meet like originally planned at 7pm and drop daughter off." She basically lost it at that point because in the past to avoid confrontation and putting my daughter in the middle of an argument I always have given in to do things the way "she" wanted.

She called my daughters cell phone, But I had it in the other room, since the cell phone calls is what seem to cause the drama all the time with my visitation.


I talked to her a couple minutes later and she told me " look we can do this my way by letting me pick her up now, or I'm going to get the police involved, you have 5 minutes to call me back, and if you dont I'm bringing the police over, your holding my daughter against her will"


I wasn't really worried, because I knew I had done nothing wrong. I didnt call her back

about 20 min later:
the mom shows up and I answer the door she said " Im here to pick up my daughter" i said , "She is not leaving yet we have plans, we can meet to drop her off like we planned later on tonight." She basically lost control and started screaming bloody murder, which in turn my daughter overheard and started crying" then she calmed down because the police she had called were pulling up in the driveway, she cant let them see her true side.

The police came in the house and we talked for about 10 minutes; basically about how "us" as dads get walked on all the time ( the officers were both devorced also).. Finally after a few minutes of them trying to convince me that I should let my daughter go with the mother, I asked; "if I were to say that she is not leaving now, and I will drop my daughter off at our meeting point later on tonight as origionally planned, will I be in any trouble?" They said " no we can not force you to do that, we just come here to see if the allogations are true or not" (making me think that the mother lied about stuff I may be doing to my daughter.)

I said "I'm sorry guys but I think its best for my daughter to stay here so we can go out to eat and a movie like we planned, then later on tonight me and the mother can meet to exchange her" As the police were leaving the one said "Dont apologize to us, save it for whan you go to court if she decides to take you there"

that comment from the officer was B.S. I think. he has no idea about the last 7 years I have already let myself get walked over and basically refused my parenting rights.

I'm pissed, but now at the police, Im pissed at how the mother is acting so egotistical, yet turning it around so that to others it looks as if I'm a bad parent.

I even told her today that it is our responsibility to our daughter to not make lies about each other.

Im just confused, I dont want to make my daughter feel like she is at fault, but then again I feel like there is going to be "drama" like today quite a bit if I start to actually stick up for my rights as a father.




Any advice from people in or that went through similar situations?

thanks.

P.S. we do have my visitation worded in the divorce decree, but she always refuses it or says she is "busy" doing something during my time.

she has asked me to sign off my parental rights( I guess she thinks my daughter is a car) so that her husband can adopt her.

Spazniski... sorry I may have been vague about that time.. too many words in my question as it is. the way it ended was that there was no set specific time. the first call today when she told me to give my daughter something to eat.
she did say "have her give me a call around 4pm so we can set up a time to meet."

but, your kind of correct also, because that has what I have delt with and just learned to "accept" in the past 7 years, but I beleive its wrong on her part. after all, since your a lawyer, you also know its her word against mine, whats to keep her from lying like she DOES has and always will do?

Answer 1

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I know my husband had problems with his parents when his parents got a divorce, where his mom would be rude and cruel to the father about visitation, ( if he couldn't make it on wed, but could on Thursday she would not let him take the kids on Thursday because it wasn't the proper day) It caused alot of problems with the boys feeling like their dad didn't want to see them because they didn't know the whole story.

I think parents should work things out without a court but if that isn't possible, I think you need to be the one to take her to court and stand up for your rights, you are at a disadvantage because your child is mainly with this woman that can say anything about you to her, but one day if you stay and fight for your right to be in your child's life as much as possible she will know how much you really love her and that most of the horrible things mom has said aren't true.

Answer 2

I don't know about your legal options, but as a child of divorce, do your best to keep your daughter out of any court proceedings. I'm sure that she loves you both and wouldn't want to testify against either of you. If she has to be a part of the proceedings, try and make it to where she can talk with the judge behind closed doors. That way she'll feel more comfortable. My mom and dad never put us through that, but even now (I'm thirty) I can't bring something up about the other w/o hearing a negative remark. It gets old, I love both my parents. My ex and I (we weren't married) never went through a custody hearing. I feel I've always been fair, even though I can't stand him. It's important for your child to get along as best as you can. Have you ever asked you ex to meet and talk with you about it?

Answer 3

Stop letting this psycho mother walk all over your rights. Start documenting every interaction with her. Every time she refuses to allow you to have visitation, every time she is unstable, everything! Get it on video, if possible. Then take her to court! She is really screwing up your daughter's head. If this is how she acts in front of you, imagine how she is warping your child's mind and bad mouthing you!

Stand up, take action! When she refuses your visitation, she is basically going against the courts. Make sure you make a police report every single time!

Answer 4

you sound like the nutty one to me. like spaz pointed out, you said that there was no set time for drop-off, but that is exactly what this whole issue is about. furthermore, not answering the phone is a big no-no. if a mother (or father) is worried about her (or his) child, then ignoring that parent's calls is really stupid and won't be looked kindly upon in court. you are acting like the child in this situation.

Answer 5

you need to beat her to the court. if you keep putting in complaints about you not getting your full visitation then when she actually takes you to court for something they have all this documented proof of your complaints so then she automatically looks like a liar. My mother did this against my sisters step dad because he was a crazy alcoholic and he did try to take her to court but they just looked at my mothers complaints and they were disgusted by him.

Answer 6

I think you need to go get set up visitation. Clearly your x is using your daughter as a tool to get to you and not thinking of what is best for the child. If you have set visitation, then she will have to comply with it. As for now she is just doing this to get to you. Not thinking at all about your daughter. That is so sad your daughter had to witness all that. Those are scars that just don't heal. She should NEVER bother a child with adult issues. Kids can't understand them. She should NEVER talk down about you no matter how she feels. It is important that a child form their own opinions. hopefully your daughter can based on how she feels about you. This could in the long run have an adverse affect on the mother, and create resent from the daughter. She isn't thinking about the daugghter at all, or she would never as you to sign all rights over. I have full custody of both my kids, but I would NEVER keep them from their father. I encourage regular visits and to be able to enjoy holidays etc.. Their father needs to be welcome in the home. It's all about the kids.

Answer 7

Well my ex and I fought over custody of the kids for about 2 years when he lost all of his rights. The only reason he lost all of his rights is because he stopped showing up for visits and stopped showing up to court dates.
What I suggest that you do since it sounds like neither of you have child custody through the courts is get down to the court house asap and file a child custody case. I also suggest that you get that paperwork in before she does, only because the judge sometimes looks at who filed and side with them a bit more. If you don't know what to fill out and you have the $ hire an attorney to help you out, but make sure to do it quickly. I must tell you if you beat mom to the court, and you have her served she is going to make your life he** until she gets to court. Make sure to keep records of every visit you have with your daughter and record EVERY TIME you talk to mom in person and over the phone. Trust me it will help your case. Also the judge will send you to mediation, and make sure to only talk about your daughter in mediation and no he said she said stuff, they are there to find out what would be best for your daughter, not well she said this and she said that. More than likely the mediator will want to talk to your daughter since she is old enough to have her own feeling on this situation and they will ask her what she would like out of this. Do not talk bad about mom around or in ear shot of your daughter cause that can come back to bite you. If mom is talking bad about you around your daughter let the mediator know that before they talk to your daughter so that they know that there may be some things that your daughter says that may not be 100% true. If she beats you to the court house then just keep your cool and continue to be a good dad to your child. The judge will grant you at least every other weekend if not 50/50 and once you have that order your ex will not be able to call you, come to your home to pick up your daughter, or start anything with you as long as it is in that order.
About what the cop said, brush it off, sometimes they say things that aren't meant to be rude but come off that way. Maybe since he said that he had been through this also he was just warning you that she plans to take you to court and be careful of your actions.
Until you get a visitation order when you and mom agree on a time to drop off and pick up the child, write it out on paper and both sign it. That way if she tries to do this to you again you can say no look we agreed on this and this is what I will stick to. Do not keep your daughters phone from her when she is at your home. Even if mom does call that may look bad on you in court if you don't let her answer it. Just let her answer it and try to keep it short as possible. Have her tell mom that you guys are busy getting ready to go to breakfast and she will call mom back when your on the way to breakfast. I know that this sounds hard and it will be hard, trust me it is very hard but it will so be worth it in the long run. If you are the bigger person and mom is talking bad about you to daughter then eventually daughter will get sick of it and want to come live with you and in mediation if that is what she wants will come out and more than likely the judge will allow that to happen if your daughter has good reason to want to get out of moms home. Good luck to you and I hope that everything works out for you. Happy New Year

Answer 8

you wrote this:

"Yesterday I picked up my 11 year old daughter, the mother and I agreed on no set time to meet the next day (today) to drop her off"

NO SET TIME - NO SET TIME - NO SET TIME

that was pretty stupid on your part - if you have issues with visitation, then your written agreement needs to have very specific guidelines on drop off and pick up times and places and you need to stick to it - OR you need to make sure that any discussion you have about visitation INCLUDES specific times and places at all times if you are deviating from a written agreement.

You had every chance to avoid this whole problem by making things specific, you didn't do that - so you can not, for any reason - sit here and blame the mom, you are 50% to blame for this situation getting so out of hand.

As far as the police comment - he was right - they aren't there to solve your conflicts with your ex, their hands are tied, it is a court issue. Period.

If she has a consistent record of denying you your visitation, and you have good record of it, then you need to take her to court for contempt. If you don't take the proper action, you can't sit here and get upset about the constant negative outcome.

You have made the choice to "give in" to her...that is your mistake, not anyone elses. You can't sit back on the excuse and say men get walked all over in court when you don't utilize the option - how would you know? You don't ever exercise the option of the court.

Answer 9

Well I am not the father but I am married to the father of two girls with a mom that does the same thing. I have been through this many times with her. You need to get a court custody order that specifies exact days and times. This is the only thing that will save you the headache. Most custody orders are very vague and open for interpretation. Every time the cops are called it may be interpreted differently by each officer. You need to get the custody set in stone. It should specify exactly what days out of the week/month/year you are entitles to. What the exchange times are and where they will take place, who is responsible for getting kids to or from the houses and what holidays out of each year you are entitled too. Also make sure you include some time for vacation in the summer such as 2 weeks each summer or something like that. You are the father and are entitled to your daughter. You may also want to address the communication during your custody such as no comments that are detremental to the quality time with your daughter and no calls after a certian hour. If she starts getting bligerant tell her you can not take her abusive behavior and ask her to call you back after she has calmed down. Get a laywer involved. I wouldn't worry too much about the cop. Being that he has gone through it before, he was probably trying to offer you some advice as in save your own *** before she takes you back to court and do it yourself.

Answer 10

I am a dad with 2 kids -now adults - but they asked me to live with them, and their mom lives nearby.
In your case, I would say document everything.
1) keep a diary or blog of every visit. If it ever does come down to a court thing, you may be asked 'how do you remember what she said 6 months ago?'
2) put your agreement for each visit in writing. IE: Dad agrees to p/u kid at X time, and drop her off at X time. It can be done by e-mail. as long as you receive a message from the mom w/time & date.
Good Luck!