I feel bad about my husband hitting his daughter.?

Question

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us all the time, since her biological mother passed. She is 14 and has no respect for me at all. Yesterday we were getting company and I asked her to pick up somethings of hers laying around the house. Her response was "No, you b*tch. You are not my mom go pick it up yourself you lazy "F"er." Then she ran up to her room. My husband(her dad) was at a friends helping him fix up a car. When he got home, I told him what happened and he went upstairs and slapped her for being disrespectful. After we all cooled down, me, my husband, and his daughter had a talk about how even though I am not her biological mother she was expected to treat me with respect.

But I can not help but feel bad. It was my fault that she got hit. If I wouldn't have told my husband what happened then she never would have. So was I wrong for this?

I just wanted to let everybody know, her mother pasted about 2 years ago and she's been living with me since. And this is not the first time she's said things like this to me, just the first she's been hit for it.

Answer 1

He shouldn't have hit her but I do think some serious punishment should happen from the behavior. You needed to tell your husband. She needs to start respecting everyone and clean up her mouth. I lost my mom and I know how hard it is. I am wondering if this is a cry for help and missing mom attention. Would it be possible for you to spend some girl bonding time with her? Let her know you will never replace her mom but you would like to be her friend. Start to make one on one time with her let her pick the activity. Maybe by doing this you can gain some ground and respect and she can get a little back of what she is missing. My heart just breaks when I hear someone so young who's mom has passed away.

Answer 2

sometimes a slap is all that is needed but if you don't feel comfortable with him doing it you have to let him know how you feel, ask him to find another way of punishing her, but keep in mind that he may feel offended with this as it is his daughter

Answer 3

You are like the middle man, and it's hard to be in the middle. But remember this, you can gain control of this situation by finding some common ground with the step daughter. She's angry. She's hurting. Her mom passed away, her real mom! You are the grown up and you could have looked at her calmly and said no, sweetheart I'm not your mom, and I don't profess to be. But, I am a person just like you and I don't deserve to be talked to like that. I know that I can't replace your mom and would never try and I can't bring your mom back. I can only live in this moment and ask her to try as well. Say that you will try if she will. One day at a time. You see, she is suffering and being angry is how children let it out when they are suffering. Try to look at it from her perspective. How would you feel if your mom passed away when you were young and then all of a sudden some other woman showed up on the scene? Well, not sure if it's all of a sudden. Yes, I agree that your husband should know what happened but, the only way to gain respect from a child is to gain it by talking to them directly, and always let hubby know what you've said or are going to say to her. It's about open communication. She needs to know that she can trust you and right now, she doesn't feel like she can trust anybody, and perhaps now including your husband because he slapped her. Remember this, you are the woman of the house and really everybody will take the lead from you. Your mood, your attitude and everything will determine the outcome of this whole thing. We are the silent leaders, although the man is the head, to me if you are emotionally stable all the time, it'll be to your benefit and the family. Spend some time with her, find out what she likes and dislikes, and most of all, try to talk to her and no matter how much she rebels, you handle it calmly. Teenagers are very smart and when they see weakness, they will use it against you every time. Do not show weakness, show her that you are a woman and you can handle her on your own, with respect of course and humble yourself to her level. I know this may sound like no way, I don't want to do this, I'm the grown up she should respect me period. Nowadays, teenagers do have a voice and they are going through things that our parents and people before us didn't have to. Try to respect her and I do believe that she will begin to respect you. You admitted that things were a bit heated, so perhaps you were being overly emotional because she was testing you - she probably needed you at that very moment more than you could ave realized because your feelings i.e emotions, were hurt.

You sound like a good, reasonable person because you felt bad about what happened, I think you get the jist of what I'm saying. You'll be okay, I applaud you. I don't think you were wrong, hubby had to know what took place but, perhaps you could have said something like do you mind if we go and talk to her together, calmly? He has to be careful as well because you can't hit kids in anyway these days. You go girl, you can run that show. I believe in you. She is testing you, as a matter of fact, she's testing both of you. She needs love right now, not slapping. Everything should be done with love, not because you have any other motive. Good luck and e-mail me if you want! Happy New Year!

Answer 4

my dear friend you shouldnt feel guilty for she needed to know that she cant respect you and her dad loves you to take up for you to not let his daughter disrespect you
she just needs to know that you want to love her and that you arent trying to take her mother place just let her know you will be there anytime if she needs to talk
depending on how long her mother has been deceased she needs time to grive and maybe yall can get some family cousiling
i dont know the sitition with her mother and her maybe she talked to her that way all she needs and want is love from yall i hope i have help you good luck in the future time heals all wounds and most of trust and love

Answer 5

Now that you know your husband hits his daughter, you have some responsibility in the matter. This does NOT mean that you should put up with bad behavior on her part.
You have some serious family problems, maybe understandable considering what your stepdaughter has been through. But she needs help to behave better, for her own sake and for her future.
You might start by talking to the school counselor. They may be able to help her and you and her dad.

Answer 6

If she loves her dad she will not be badly affected by this. However, if you are not comfortable with his handling of the situation then tell him and say how you would want to deal with it

Answer 7

this can only escalate in to something much worst if you resort to violence then you have achieved nowt and earned disrespect may not be the answer you were looking for but,talking is better.

Answer 8

It was NOT your fault! A good family should have an open relationship and it appears that what your husband did was NOT abuse but 'reasonable chastisement' (a legal term).

Don't feel bad about it, it worked, didn't it?

Answer 9

What a mess... he shouldn't of hit her at all! You should tell him to stop the physical abuse and talk like civilised people. I can understand why the daughter would say what she said to you, sounds like she has had a very hard life.

Answer 10

You need to talk with your husband about his behavior. Yes the daughter needed to be dealt with but hitting her will only make her hate you more. Try talking with him about other possible punishments.