how can I solve this complicated situation? I need to keep my daughter, wife and boss happy?

Question

I live in Ireland with my new wife, my daughter lives in UK and I visit at least one w'end a month. My boss is getting angsty about the no of w'ends I have off to visit, my wife gives me a hard time about the no of visits, and as she is pregnant this is likely to get worse with the arrival of the new child. Daughter's mother is putting pressure on me to come over more often, saying that daughter is not happy about the amount of time she gets with me and this is resulting in behavioural problems.
Daughter won't be honest with me about how she feels, because she doesn't want to upset me, or so her mother says.
I don't want anyone to be unhappy, and I am trying my hardest, but I'm struggling to see how I can find a solution to this. When in the UK I stay with relatives, and my daughter's mother has a problem with this, but I can't afford to stay anywhere else. I'm doing my best, but my best doesn't seem to be good enough for anyone, I'm at my wits' end, please help

Answer 1

It's none of your ex's business where you stay when you visit home, unless the place you are staying is dangerous for her daughter.

As to the visitation. You need to continue to make an effort. Your daughter wants to see you and probably *is* worried about upsetting you if she tells you she isn't happy with the current arrangement and wants to see you more often. It's very important that you make an effort to see and speak with your daughter as often as possible since she can't live with you and see you everyday. If you drop the ball here, then your daughter will feel abandoned by you. Then you have several possible outcomes as a result of this--your daughter will either never want to have anything to do with you and/or will spend her life believeing that she wasn't worth the effort to see and will spend her life picking losers to be with.

For better or worse, our fathers form our opinons of men. When our fathers are not stand up guys and there are no other male role models in our lives, as grown women, we tend to believe that ALL men are jerks and don't see the point in looking for good guys who to our minds and experience don't exist. Therapy will take care of this, but she might not get into therapy for years.

Sit down with your wife and tell her that she knew you had a child before you got married. Ask her how she would feel if your marriage didn't work out and you moved on to a new life with another woman and had more children and didn't make an effort to see the child you and she had together. If she'd want you to abandon your child with her, then you may want to rethink this relationship. But if she wouldn't, then ask her how can she deny your daughter when she wouldn't want you to treat her child the same way. Remind her that she has you all the time but your daughter has you for a very limited time.

As to work, you'll have to manage something with your employer there. Sit down and explain things to them, see if they can work around your schedule. If they can't, then you may have to miss a weekend but you should arrange an alternate time to visit or schedule a longer visit. Can she come visit you? If that doesn't work, then you may need to find an employer who will work with you.

Good Luck.

edit: I like the suggestion from a previous poster about adding webcam and have video conferencing to help with staying connected. But DO NOT use that as a substitution to visitation--If you don't make the effort to stay connected NOW while she is young, then I guarantee she WILL NOT make the effort to reach out to you when she is older. Her thought process will be "why do you want to be dad now when you didn't want to be dad then? Why should I want to see someone just because he says he is dad when he has made no effort to act like dad?"

Answer 2

My mom and i had the same situation that you did. My stepdad and i did not get along at all. They have 2 kids. my brother and sister. My mom and i decided to move out because i wanted my siblings to have what i never had, a great family and a dad that cared. All i can tell you is to show your daughter that you love her, either by making time for her as much as possible or just talking to her on the phone. But she is being selfish by making you feel that way towards your wife. I know it hurts not having her there but it really is for the better. It will stop the conflict between you and your wife and hopefully let your son grow up with healthier surroundings. Right now, there is nothing you can do for her. I was her, i constantly tried ripping my mom and stepdad apart because i wanted my mom all to myself. When i moved out i realized how immature i was being. Its been two years since ive moved out, and when i say move out, i mean i moved into another state to live with my aunt, and i still cant talk to my stepdad. But i can tell that both him and my mom are happier. They dont fight anymore, or atleast as much, and i know they are more in love then ever. Your daughter just needs to understand that she is not the most important. She is apart of your life, but she is not allowed to consume you and your wifes life. Im sorry that you have to go through this. I know how tough it is. But good luck with you and your wife!

Answer 3

Start looking for another job and tell your wife she knew you had that daughter when you married her and you will see your daughter when you want.

Answer 4

You're boss can't say anything if you are not required to work weekends. Sometimes family has to come before overtime. As for your wife she has to understand that you have an obligation to your daughter too. Although being pregnant she may feel that there is things you need to be doing at home. You don't mention weather you take her with you. If not you should be as you are forming a new family with her and you should be including your daughter in that life the 3 of you together. How come she never comes and stays with you? Why can't she come to your house after all she is your daughter too. As for the ex she has no say about where you stay or any other aspect of your life, as long as you take care of your daughter it's none of her business. You your wife and daughter need to sit down and agree on how it should go. Your wife might feel that you are going there with other motives if you're not including her after all she is your family now too.

Answer 5

I'm not sure how far away the daughter is, but is it possible to pick her up and take her back home with you for the weekend? Or meet the mother half way and pick up the daughter?

Your wife knew you had a daughter when she married you, didn't she? She also knew you would want to see that daughter, correct? Then she needs to shut up and accept the fact that you will be seeing that daughter, even if it means you will be gone one whole weekend a month. Why can't your wife go with you to see the daughter?

Is your normal work schedule include weekends? If it doesn't, why not just go visit the daughter on the two days you do have off during the week?

It really isn't any of your ex-wife's business where you stay when you are there to visit your daughter. Just because she doesn't like somebody and isn't happy, doesn't matter. As long as your child is being taken care of and is in a good environment, then that is really all that matters.

You can't make everyone happy, so quit trying. But really, one weekend a month is supposed to be a lot? You only want to see your daughter one weekend a month? I would imagine that your daughter is upset that she only gets to see you 2 days every month. Children need BOTH their parents in their lives, and you unfortunately didn't seem to think about this when you moved away. That in itself says a lot.

Answer 6

As it seems to me, you have 2 major things in life (in the following priority!):
1) A new life, work, wife and an upconing child in Ireland
2) A daughter you love in the UK (with an ex wife)

Assuming neither you nor your daughter's mother would move closer, nor would you get custedy for her, I would suggest:
1) Focus on your new life, this sounds hard to do but until your daughter grows, she would have her own life, with your ex wife, which you cannot compensate for. Later on, when she grows you, she'll decide for herself and sometimes become involved with your life more (without involving the ex wife or going to UK)
2) Keep the connection to your daughter using phone and internet (using a web-cam) so you "meet" her more often than you really do and keep the visits to once every couple of months or less

It sounds to me that you haven't really decided to move forward. Visiting an ex wife each month would upset any new wife, and it does not matter that you're there for your daughter.