Do I keep my nose out of it or how can I intervene?

Question

20 yr old son ran away from home??? and has been taken in by 16 yr old girlfriend and her parents. He met her in Sept and since day one has thought she lived at our house. His grades slipped, he dropped 2 classes and his focus is gone, at least it seems that way.The way she used to bad mouth her parents in the beginning it seemed she thought that she was trying to move in with us. My wife has been very supportive and cordial but during conversations with her, redflag, redflag redflags are appearing, something is amiss. We have decided to stay calm and supportive since he is an adult but I don't want him to do something he will regret.

Answer 1

Your son IS 20 years old and is a legal adult. As far as getting involved with your son now and his girlfriend's family, its not a good idea. The best thing (and the hardest thing) is to sit down and have a talk with him (preferably without his girlfriend) and let him know that you and your wife love him and he is always welcome back home with open arms (without his girlfriend). After that discussion let him know that you and your wife are going to stay out of his life for now, and do so. Whatever problem is going on is something that he, as a young man, is going to have to work through. All you can do is love him, and hope and pray he makes the right decisions on his own, eventually. Do not make any contact with his girlfriend...let him know that if he wants to come home its on your terms without his girlfriend. Your son is young and does not need a poisonous influence like that in his life as he is still trying to shape his own. I've seen cases like this before and this honestly is the best thing to do. Let him know you care, then leave him alone. Allow only him to make the first move, to call you, to come back to your home. Every now and then you might want to try calling him and inviting him back home for a sit down meal or other activity, but again, WITHOUT the girlfriend. Hopefully, eventually, he'll realize the mistakes he is making and make amends. But he can only do it without your involvement in his life.

Answer 2

You know your son could do some jail time for having sex with a minor,it's called statutory rape.Should you get involved damn right you should.Her family must be very disfunctional to let a 20 yr.old man to shack up with thier 16 yr old daughter.Try to convince him to move out ASAP and site him the first line of this paragraph.THat family and the girl are going to throw him out when he's worn out his welcome and they are done using him,ask him if he is ignoring the warning signs.He has to be as those people live what they are,either drug users or alcoholics and they will turn him into one of them.You want to know how I know this? I was that 16 yr old girl 34 years ago,my boy friend moved in with my disfunctional family Mom an alcoholic,my dad too buzy working and in denial.I ended up pregnent at 17 divorced and miserable by 19,my ex ended up as a drug using con artist,robbed people in phone booths,stole money from jobs he worked at and had another girl knocked up while we were still married.My life has improved since then,my ex well if he can be found he is going to be paying child support till he dies.Ask your son is that how he wants to end up,when you decide to end it we will be thier for you,and let him know he can stay with you but if he brings back the girl he is on his own and out on his as*. Good luck and God Bless!!

Answer 3

So your 20yo'd moved out of your house, but you choose to call it running away from home?

I would call it moving from one situation living as a dependant to another.

Anyway, your son chose to move out of the parental home. That is a clear sign that he isn't interested in any further supervision from his mom and dad. He wants to try things on his own.
If he's making mistakes, then LET HIM!
I am sure he will come to you for help when he feels he needs it.
But as parents, I hope you will know the difference between helpful involvement, and enabling.

Answer 4

Well I don't think a 20 year old can 'runaway from home'. I can see why you'd be concerned but at this point there really isn't anything you can do. You raised him and he has to make his own choices now. Right or wrong all you can do is be supportive when he needs you. That does NOT mean bail him out when he gets himself in trouble. It just means be supportive emotionally and guide him in the right direction if he asks for help. Best of luck!

Answer 5

Your question is very confusing: Someone's son ran away and has been *taken in by* the girlfriend and her family? But she thinks she lives at your house? What do you think he may do that he'll regret?

Often, family problems are the result of poor communication and definitely sounds like that could be the problem here.

Answer 6

Coming from someone that does not have kids; For one thing he is 20 years old, you cannot pick who your son is going to love, but you can love him and be happy for him, stating that his grades are slipping you must be providing college money, in that case you could state you wasting your money and threaten to go on vacation or just go with that money if he is not greatful for it anyway, letting him make his own mistakes while your still around is tough love.

Answer 7

Sorry, but adult my ***. Don't take this the wrong way at all. But American's are way to leniant with their children. You give them way too much freedom and automatically assume that because they are certain age that they are capable of making reasonable decisions. You better intervene. He's your son. And let him no that he is going down the wrong tracks. Love is blind. And that's what is going on with your son right now. If he's not gonna listen to you, eventually life will teach him. You live and learn. Good luck.

Answer 8

Your instincts are very good. Talk to your son and tell him of your misgivings while your wife continues to "be cordial and supportive". He is an adult so the most you can do is plant the seeds of doubt in your son's own mind. Tell him to be careful in the meantime...and to never run with scissors, don't play with matches, and to be sure to brush his teeth.....smiling.

Answer 9

No don't try to keep your nose out of it. WHat I mean by this is to try not intervene with his life too much. Hes 20 years old now and the best way you can do is sometimes talk with him with a calm vioce and try to express your own concerns. Don't treat him like a child; just try to guide him and give him advice.

Answer 10

20 year old and a 16 year old? That is statuatory rape. I also believe he is using crystal meth. Check for tell tale signs(pupils dialated, pick marks on face, loss of weight, hyperness, excessive cracking of knuckles, etc.) I think you should call the police.