How do I cope with such a mother?

Question

I am 19 years old, goal oriented positive smart and I just want to enjoy life. A couple of weeks ago my mother found my birthcontrol pills and she is so upset over it accusing me of not having any morals and that i am doing such a stupid thing. The thing is I have only had sex with one guy, my boyfriend who i have been with for over a year now and we are in love.
She is telling me that he is a loser and that i can do better and that i shouldn't have just given it away like that to HIM. I don't regret for a moment what i did and in all honesty he is a great guy and my mother just hates him because he is with me. Now she watches my every move and gets ready to cry and is really upset every time that i go out with him. It upsets me that I am making her feel this way but at the same time I love him and i still want to be with him. I just don't know what to do.

I do still live at home and i will for a while. I wish i could move out but i can't cuz of my financial situation.

Answer 1

OK, 1st of all, YOU are not making your mother feel this way. She feels the way she does because she CHOOSES to be upset.

Sure, I suppose you knew that your mom had an expectation that you would remain a virgin right up until your wedding night, and that the man you chose as a husband would be perfect in every way in her eyes.

So now that she has been introduced to the real world, and has awakened from her fantasy, saying she's a little disappointed would be an understatement eh?

The way I see it, since you chose to have premarital sex, you did the responsible thing by protecting yourself against an unwanted pregnancy. I doubt from your mom's reaction that she would have ever supported your decision to go on birth control. But I am equally certain that she would have found it even harder to deal with if you came home one day nicely knocked up.

So how do you cope?

Well unless you are prepared to spend the rest of your life modelling yourself EXACTLY after your mother, you had better get used to her disapproval once in awhile.

I don't know if you could ever get her to co-operate with you on this. But tell her you will be prepared to listen to her tell you about the one thing you do that disappoints her the most, if she can come up with at least TWO things that she knows you have done that makes her proud of you.
I suggested this because I get a picture of your mom constantly criticizing a daughter who she really could be proud of, if she ever tried to see you that way. ;-)

Answer 2

It looks like you and your mother need to come to a compromise. Tell her that altho you appreciate her concern and that you know she loves you, you also love this man. Exsplain to her that you were smart enough to use birth control and protect yourself when you made your desicion, plus you've waited until it felt right. Most girls do just give themselves away to people that don't even care about them.
Until you can afford your own place, you must respect that it is her house and that she reservs the right to lay down the rules about what goes on in it. Look for a job or another relative to live with if you have to.

Answer 3

Is there a family counselling centre in your city? One or two sessions with a counsellor and the two of you should help her realize that you are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions.

Or do you have an aunt, grandmother or close friend of your mother that can talk to her?

Answer 4

She's acting like a brat.

You're already an adult, so you're able to do what you want. If your mother can't handle it, then tough.

There's worse things out there then your daughter dating someone you don't like.

Answer 5

you are old enough to know that you can't make your mother feel a certain way. her feelings are hers to feel or not feel. just like her tears are hers to cry, if she wishes to manipulate you. you're an adult, acting like an adult. your mother needs to catch up and get in the game, like an adult. good luck.

Answer 6

is your boyfriend also goal oriented, positive, and smart???
are you in college?
do you live at home or in a dorm?
if you live in a dorm, don't worry.
if you live at home...
i'm not sure what to say.
it might take your mom awhile to accept your boyfriend, but if you love him and you know he is right, then it is YOUR life and YOUR relationship and don't worry what she thinks...
but don't rub it in though.
sorry=S