My parents have threatened to disown me if I live with my boyfriend. Help!?

Question

My boyfriend and I have had a tumultuous, 3 year, on and off relationship (including a broken engagement). Now, we both know that we want to be together and we both want to live together. I am 23 and he is 24 and in my heart, I want to live with him. My parents are very upset because they are very traditional and they think it will ruin a girl's honor if she lives with a man before marriage.

I don't want to upset my parents, but I know that with my boyfriend, living together is the next logical step, especially since we have been through so much already. I have been born and raised in the United States, and my parents have not. I think that's why we don't see eye to eye in the situation.

What should I do? I'm 23, a college grad and currently working. I think that I have obeyed my parents' wishes for a long time, but I believe that they should step aside this time and let me make my own decision.

We are of Indian decent (hence the strict cultural guidelines, although I'm sure lots of other cultures/religions are the same way).

My parents are afraid that people will talk about me behind my back (i.e. "This girl is living with a man before marriage! The horror!")

Thanks for your advice everyone; I have been reading each answer carefully and I hope to make a decision by the end of this week.

Answer 1

You really need to look down the road to answer this question. I never thought I would be divorced, but here I am. Basically, if your life were to take an unfortunate turn and you could not depend on your husband, you may not be able to turn to your parents. It is easy to be caught up in the moment, but you need to take a step back and look at the whole picture. It sounds like your relationship is a little rocky also (on and off relationship, including a broken engagement). What would it hurt to stay at home with your parents instead of moving in with your bf? The biggest decision you are eventually going to make is your wedding. Once that happens you will be responsible for all your actions. I don't think it's worth destroying a relationship with your parents.

Answer 2

Perhaps look into living with more than just your boyfriend - if there's more than just the two of you around, it can be seen as a sort of built in chaperone. The more the better, if you know people you can stand living with - and if you're planning on renting, in most areas a house is cheaper to rent right now than an apartment because of the market. I'd imagine your parents might see it differently if you had a platonic girl and boy type friend that also lived there in addition to you and your boyfriend.

Also, be sure to have two separate bedrooms for when they come visiting - even if you don't plan on using them. (Another advantage - you can show them "your room" and the bed will always be made. ;) ) You can have a TV or something in there so it's not wasted space, but have a bed and your dresser, at least. This is, of course, that you plan on sharing a bed. If not - disregard.

If they aren't going to consider any of these options better than living alone with your boyfriend in terms of your honor, then don't bother. Just do what you want with none of the added caveats (and stress) of the above suggestions.

You have to make YOU happy, and if you're able to support yourself and you're not compromising your morals, then I don't see a problem. Your parents should always love you, no matter what.

EDIT: I totally agree with eldots53. Be sure that your boyfriend is someone you have a relationship with that is stable enough to withstand living together. Also - be sure you have a backup if that falls through (i.e., can you pay the rent alone?). CYA, and be safe. :)

Answer 3

Here be dragons, if your parents are usually reasonable, then you may wish to reconsider your decision. I've been through a 12 year marriage and am approaching year 10 of my second marriage.

3 years, on and off relationship, and broken engagement are huge warning signs. You can love him all you can, it doesn't mean the two of you will make a good couple. Love is an important part of a good marriage, but other considerations are as or more important.

Focus on making a good decision, delaying living together may give the opportunity for the relationship to season and become stronger.

Answer 4

Your relationship does not sound very stable. I do not think that living together will help it, so why are you in such a rush to be with him, just to live together, if that is not the ultimate goal? It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is from a different background and is pressuring you to do things you are not comfortable with. But, if you are supporting yourself, then you need to be prepared to be disowned. That is part of being an adult - making decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences. So, be sure if this is truly what you want. I really don't think it sounds right. The on-and-off relationship sounds like a WEAK, failing relationship, that you are trying to patch together with a last-ditch effort.

Answer 5

Who was the breaker of the engagement? it may not matter.
You tried a marriage and couldn't get there. words like on off again, and tumultuous, for three years, makes me think that your relationship may not be able to take a next logical step.

everyone says go for love, give it a shot, follow your heart, and yet the people who love you the most are so scared of the impending disaster that they will say something like dis-owning you.....

Do NOT cohabitate, even though I did twice with two women. one of whom i am married to, the other divorced from.

why not just do a sleep over once or twice aweek.? and instead of "seeing where that goes" keep it that way
until after you have a ring and a wedding.

Answer 6

i know u love your mom and dad but sometimes you have to live your own life. but i also think that fam is all you have some times. you have to ask your self what you would do if they really did disown you.
on the other hand i live with my boyfriend and things are great. so i guess what i am getting at is think about it before you jump in. caz if one day something happened to your parents you will wish that you had tryed more to make them see it your way you know what i mean.
you know what go with your heart.

Answer 7

wow.......unfortunately for your folks, they need to let go and understand that you ARE an adult and can make your own decisions..........

....however, why have you and this guy split so many times.....thats usually a red flag of more splits to come TRUST ME! Do not rush things and shack up w/ a guy that you have been on and off with---you guys will never have stability and it will only end it hardship. You can date----just dont move in unless you guys are married or have a kid together. Distance makes the heart grow fonder----living w/ him will only make things worse.

Answer 8

You should make your own decisions, but you should take into consideration the fact that you guys haven't been constant. Many relationships end because couples think they have to make certain steps in a certain amount of time in order to keep the relationship going. If you feel like you want to give it shot moving in with him, go for it...just don't do it to cross it off your list of things to do next!

Answer 9

well, obviously the choice is yours.. and naturally your parents care about you and want to help you. what they don't realize is that trying to force you to follow them is not the right way. i suggest you sit down and have a nice talk. start by saying you know they care about you, and they know you care about them.. then take turns why do they think you shouldn't, why do you think you should, compare and compromise. hopefully either you change your mind or they change theirs, the key is staying calm, and not taking too much offensive. both sides need to verbally decide whether or not they want to go into the conversation with an open mind.. which will need to be necessary for both sides to be satisfied and for logic to shine through. of course they can't hold on to you for everm, and they should know that, but you also need to listen to their advice, and consider it.

Answer 10

ha ha ha lady honor your father and your mother this is the fifth commandments by God never put a boyfriend first then you parents last they gave birth to you if something happen to you today your boyfriend or your husband will move on but not your parents therefore if your boyfriend love you so much why not just married you instead of living in sin