Should I take the money from my mother?

Question

Ive been married 15 years. I have kids. Our relationship with my parents is not good. My mother can be quite abusive. I did not speak to my mother for two years because of a situation in the past. My father always acquiesces to my mother. "She has to be the queen bee and will not change," he says. He bugs me all the time to forgive her and be the better person. Finally after two years my mother calls and apologizes. That is only the second time in my life she has apologized. I told her that I was bitter for all of the turmoil she caused me and my family.

Now, shortly after Christmas she sent me a check for a considerable amount of money. I don't know if I should take it or not.

I am willing to allow her to see my kids in a neutral location. I think that is the right thing to do. Limited visitation is okay. I don't want her to think that by giving me this money that everything will be okay or that she can do what she wants. It will not be.

Should I take the money?

Answer 1

If your mother has apologized, and this is not a common thing with her, I think you should pay attention.
Of course you are doubtful, and with good reason.
But this may be an opportunity to make things better. I don't say they will be the way you would like, but better is worth something.
If you are considering letting your mother back into your life and family, carefully consider the conditions under which you will do so. Decide what you will do if she doesn't follow your rules. Remember, you must protect your wife and children from abuse.
Then talk with your mother. Don't act angry; be in control. Let her know your point of view, your conditions, etc. See whether she will agree to them. If she won't, then don't let her back in.
As for the money, ask her why she sent it. Ask whether she is expecting something in return. See what her attitude is.
Then decide whether to keep the money.

Answer 2

Take the money only if you want to be in the process of forgiving her. It seems that she is reaching out her version of an olive branch. Though, nothing can undo all the pain she has caused in past, it seems she wants to "pay" for her wrongdoings. Perhaps she feels that words are not enough, and the money is supposed to represent her sacrifice in order to show you that she is sorry. She is not offering you the money so that she can be abusive again; she is giving it in her attempt to make amends. I'm sure this offeratory gesture is coming from the better part of her trying to make up for what she has done. If you do take the money, tell her you are taking the money because you are actively trying to forgive her. And remember that she is still human, and her old habits may reappear, and if it does, remind her of how you forgave her by accepting her offering. Best of Luck!

Answer 3

Wow, no longer easy one. What the daughter can do is pay mom's hire herself, supply it at present to the owner with mom modern-day. Have mom sign a promisory observe saying she'll pay the money back with the help of X date. Make it an employer date, no longer "once you get your tax return money," on the grounds that leaves it too extensive open. If there is adequate left over after the hire, take mom grocery procuring so which you recognize she has adequate to eat, then leave it at that. $500 isn't plenty to have in reductions as an emergency fund for the daughter. those are no longer easy circumstances and that i can sympathize with no longer wanting to lose that small risk-free practices internet for herself and her baby. Getting the promisory observe can provide a small volume of convenience that she would be able to get the money back. It being Christmas has no longer something to do with this occasion. this could be a no longer easy decision inspite of the time of three hundred and sixty 5 days.

Answer 4

I have dealt with a situation similar to yours, I'd put the money in an interest-bearing account for your children. They could use the money for college, or when they get married. Tell your mother what you are doing with the money after you put it in the account. Also let her know that he generosity doesn't make everything right and that it'll take time and effort to see your children and you. The neutral location is a good idea until you become comfortable around her. Just be honest and up front.

Answer 5

I would send the money back. Money can not buy love, erase the past, nor purchase visitations. Thank her for the gesture, let her know that you are doing ok financially. I think it is great that you have put up boundaries and are not willing to forget the past just because she finally apologized. Her apology is nice, but, I would wait and see if she has really changed before I would drop my guard. My mom would "buy" me off in lieu of an apology throughout my teenage years. I found that keeping boundaries in place and letting her know I could not be bought has kept me healthier especially after I started a family of my own.

Answer 6

If you feel she is giving you money as a way to buy your love, as well as a way of payment back into your family, then absolutely not.

Accepting payment knowing it might have strings is no better in my opinion then renting your family out for a price.

Money doesn't solve problems when it is problems of a persons feelings. It only creates them. She might even start trying to take more control over you and your family with the excuse of well I did give you all that money.

However if the money is offered as a gift, no strings attached because maybe she knows your family needs it and this is her way of trying to help out, then okay maybe. I would still be leary about it. Maybe to the point of drawing up a contract of sorts and asking her to sign it so that there is no confusions down the road what the money was given for to begin with.

Just my thoughts

Hope this helps

Answer 7

No, you shouldn't.

By accepting her money, you are also telling her (whether or not this is what you actually mean) that you also accept her. This is what she wants! The money, clearly, is a bribe.

Return the check to her, thanking her for it, but explain that you have your own life and job and are quite capable of taking care of yourself. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of how much visitation you want her to have, so also use that meeting as an opportunity to explain your own rules to her as far as your children are concerned.

Not accepting the money won't do any harm to the relationship, but accepting it and then not meeting her expectations may do more damage than you think, since you are giving her a considerable amount of power.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

well..thats hard to say. i dont exactly think you should, i have a feeling, sounding by the way of your mother, that it will come back to haunt you in the future. abuse cant be fixed with money. if you really need it right now, then you should use it or put it in a fund for your kids. It all depends on how much you need it. if you dont need it so much at the time, you should deny it. mothers need to show forgivness with love, not a paycheck. it may sound corny, but its true. i just have a feeling that shes gonna bring it up when she wants something. you have to take some time to make sure that you make the right choice with whatever you do. i think that you should take it, but save it for your kids or something like that, dont spend it rite away.
best of luck with whatever choice you made(:

Answer 9

You can take the money as a peace offering. Set the money aside and use it for when you take the kids to the neutral meeting place to see her. If it is that sizable then it should pay for several visits including a meal. Everyone wins in this situation as your kids get to meet with their grandma and you do not have to worry about the money coming out of your household budget. You can let her know, if you wish, that this is what you are doing with the money.

Answer 10

It's largely up to you but there is certainly an element of "buying" your forgiveness here, especially combined with the timing of the apology and check. If you're in need of the money, I'd say take it - if you're in need of it, taking the money here isn't a necessarily bad thing to do, as opposed to robbing it from someone.
But if you don't really need the money all that much, it just becomes a matter of if you want to embrace or mother again or not.