I have a mother in law who is very difficult to deal with she's very controling. I want to know if Im being

Question

wrong . I think its normal. She was popping up at my house unanounced until my husband put a stop to it Now she calls but lately shes been calling at the wrong time Ive been depressed and sick I had surgery 3 weeks ago I dont feel like dealing with anyone I have my house a mess anyways I told her I didnt feel good 2 times but I know how she is that I didnt know how to tell her not today. I kinda beated around the bush so she said I get it Im not welcomed blah blah blah started crying I mean Really crying I called my sister and asked her what should I do I feel bad call her and say ok? But I really am not up to it and my sis said no shes trying to give you the guilt trip to come over so I didnt call. I also dont pick up my calls all the time so she calls my 13 yr old and leaves her messages saying I guess all of u r avoiding me. Finally I told her I dont like it when she trys to make me feel bad that why cant she understand & stop going around telling the family I dont let her come

over and she said that thats true I dont let her. and I said I dont always have to say yes Was I wrong?? I dont thing so . I got so mad that I hung up on her saying I make myself feel bad she also calls and says can I see the baby now and I dont think thats cool Im sometimes in the middle of things Im even afraid to get her calls sometimes My sister knows her and knows shes a very difficult lady to deal with she told me to avoid her.I need advice

She's back and forth with her husband she leaves because his 24 yr old son is living with them and she wants him to kick his son out he's been married to her like 5 years and hes always had his son there when she's with him she doesnt bother then she made a comment You might not let me visit but Ive never told u guys not to visit me she does have mental issues She was in a mental hospital on thanksgiving threatened to hurt herself she like 49 and her poor mother has to deal with her she called my husband on thanksgiving and told me he needed to take her to the Er because its his mother and his responsability We think she just did it for attention Shes not old shes 49

I always apogoglize to her my sister told me and its true YOu MIL is so blunt and rude but when it comes to her my Gosh pitty party!!! How can she blunt and not let others be blunt to her it doesnt make sence

Answer 1

does your mother in law have a husband? or did she run him off with her controlling ways? i'm not trying to be funny or insensitive. you mention your sister knows her and how controlling she is but you don't mention her husband or your father in law. i guess it wouldn't matter either way. it is a good thing that your husband put an end to her coming over unannounced and it sounds like your on your own relatively as far as dealing with how to tell her to back off. i sympathize with you regading the surgery. i'm with you on that, i wouldn't want anyone visiting me while i was convalescing. but anyway, getting back to your controlling mother in law...you are right and she is not going to change. the only thing that you can do is try to find a way to deal with it. there is no law on any book that says you must answer the phone or the door. i certainly don't. is she a neat freak too? she would never come over and if she pressed me as to why, i'd tell her that if anyone couldn't deal with my house being a "mess", with children and dealing with illness and all, i need help not criticism. and furthermore, i'd let her know in the gentlest way possible that she is controlling and that i will not deal with it. i would invite her over to dinner or to visit and then i wouldn't allow her to takeover anything, just sit and enjoy the grandchildren or whatever. and then when it's time to go home, go home until called back to visit. it might help to have your husband join you in this conversation that way she knows it's not just you but he who is aware of her controlling so she doesn't think that you put him up to it. anyway, she already knows that he knows she is controlling. and she can tell the family whatever she wants. they know she's controlling too! stand your ground girl, and i wish you all the best

Answer 2

Look, she's a lonely and bored older lady and she wants to live her life vicariously THROUGH your family. That's her problem, not yours, people have an obligation to fill up their own lives with meaning. Now, you didn't say just how often she visits, if you live in the same town then you really do have an obligation to let her see the grandchildren sometimes, just as a matter of reasonableness. It's about balance and being reasonable, so just make sure the time you make yourself and family available is reasonable.

Answer 3

Don't beat around the bush. She doesn't, obviously, by crying and making her thoughts known.

If you don't feel like it, say "X, I enjoy your company, but I don't want anyone visiting today. I am still sick from my surgery and wouldn't be good company".

If she insists, say, sorry, but some other time, and hang up.

Be sure, however, if you make a promise, to keep it.

If you say tomorrow, mean tomorrow and make that deal with her.

Or, if she insists upon coming, say "oh, I could REALLY use the help...because of my surgery, I can't do _________"

She'll do one of 2 things...be glad she could come over and help, OR, thinking she'd be coming to help, will decide not to come over.

Again, though, be direct...don't beat around the bush.

Answer 4

WARNING! You are not only married to your husband but also your mother-in-law. You will have to deal with her as long as you are married to him. The mother in law can bring tremendous stress into a marrage. I know, Ive been married 15years. Deal with the situation with carefully!
I agree with the one person. You should let your husband handle the issue. Step out of the way. It is your husband's job to leave his parents and cleave to you. He is to protect you! Many times Mothers have problems letting go of their sons. He needs to get her to understand that she needs to limit her visitations and calling. Your mother in law might be hurt and lonely. She has a need to interact and be with you guys or she just wants to interfere. He needs to assure her that you guys still care for her, BUT you need to have your own lives also. He , your husband, needs to set boundaries! "Mom we enjoy your company, but I am married now. I want personal time with my wife. You can come over every other Saturday and call once a week." Something like that.


It is better for your husband to set the boundaries because it will help his side of the family to receive you with open arms.

Also, don't talk to your sister about these things.
1. She will start feeding you with more negative feelings towards your in-law.
2. Its none of her business.
3. You are causing animosity between your sis and mother-in-law.
4. Eventually it could cause a spiral effect dividing your two extended families.
It is better to leave them out.

It is between you and your husband as one and the mother in law.

Remember, be tactful.

Answer 5

She knows dam well how she affects you. She must not care or needs mental help. She mostly needs to get her own life and have interests outside of bugging you. I am really glad to be sooooo far away from my mother in law. She tried this type of stuff when we lived near her. I have made a promise to myself to be a good mother in law and not hassle or expect my children to be my only part of life. I feel badly for you but have no real win-win conclusion for your dilemma. I do however think you ought not feel guilty in the least for her poor behavior and thoughtlessness.

Answer 6

This is your husbands mother and he needs to put his foot down and tell her that she is over stepping her bounds and she needs to back off. You're your husbands family now and he should be protecting you and the kids. He need to be a man and face her.

Answer 7

You're right. She is wrong. But how do you fix it? You can't fix her. But you can refuse to let her control you or your household. Talk it out with hubby. See a counselor together.

Answer 8

maybe you could try to get along with her,or ignore her for your whole life. theres this movie called monster-in-law, and this girl has the same problem as you