Am I wrong....?

Question

....to have expectations that my father should occassionally let me know he cares about me? He doesn't call me. He rarely answers his phone and only calls me back when there's some sort of business to take care of. When I tell him about my college events, he uses that feigned tone of voice that you use with a 2 year old.
I'm not asking for constant reassurance because I don't want that. I'm asking that my dad shows me he cares about me now and then and not seem so distant. I can't handle these "active" and "inactive" phases he goes through--and I feel so invalidated as an adult because it hurts my feelings so much. I quit trying to maintain a relationship this year because he wouldn't reciprocate the efforts and I didn't want to waste my time.

Is this wrong or childish of me to have these expectations from a parent? I just don't understand this anymore.

Thanks so much for the responses everyone. It wasn't always like this, but once I left for college, that's when it started. I've definitely made the effort to do what many of you have mentioned, but I can't do it forever and sometimes it feels like a waste of time.
He does call and keep up with my brother moreso than me (I'm female, by the way). I'd love to be friends with my father, but when we interact it's as if he still sees me as being 14 years old again.

I really appreciate your responses.

Answer 1

You should expect love from your father. Sorry to be harsh, but your father sounds like a jerk. A little reassurance is not too much to ask from your dad.

Answer 2

Some people have the emotional depth of a spoon. Your father seems to be one of these people. He tries in his own way to show you that he loves you. He doesn't understand that you need just a bit more. People like this take life for granted and think that there is always tomorrow to say what needs to be said. When you call him just leave a message that says you were only checking in so that he knows that you are ok and that you love him. Understand that he may not reply until he has more time. At least this way you will have let him know that you are thinking about him. You are not wrong in needing more from him, he just may not be able to give more to you right now. Don't give up though as this may change later in life.

Answer 3

It's unfortunate when a parent takes such a lackadaisical attitude toward to a child. But I think you've come to realize you can't force interest. You can't take away a person's right to be an a**hole, so to speak.
Believe me, I can sympathies. I had to deal with the same disinterest from my father... Right up until my Mother died. I guess that kind of trauma jarred him into caring more about his family. (myself and my sister) I guess there's something good that comes out of everything, and that was the positive from my mother's death. Terrible price to pay.
In your case, all you can do is keep making a piecemeal effort ( occasional phone calls, personal updates, family get to-gathers) with your father, and seek validation in other places, first and foremost within you. Seek companionship in friends, maybe mentorship from a favorite teacher, or try going the other route and try mentoring troubled children. You need validation, and obviously Daddy's not providing it. Well, a wise man once said "living well is the best revenge" so accomplish your goals, graduate and get a good career then go back to Daddy and ask him if he's proud of you now.

Answer 4

No, this is not wrong. Have you tried talking to him about this? Maybe you should do that...

He is your father, you can't give up on him, even if he seems to have done that on you.

If he still does not reciprocate your feelings, than try to keep a relationship with him. Call him once in a while, but don't expect him to warm up on you... Maybe he is a man that finds it hard to be friendly or loving to his children.

Do you have a sister/brother? Does he act the same with them?

Answer 5

No, it's absolutely normal for you to need the reassurance. But, there comes a point that you have to deal with the way people express their emotions, and it's not always the way you wish. Obviously your relationship with your dad is important to you, but hurting you... maybe it's time to come to terms with how he is and know it may be that way forever. Maybe your dad is hurting for some reason too. You are not childish! Take this difficult part of life and let it bring out the strengh you carry within yourself!

Answer 6

Fifth Son you don't say if he is alone, or if your mother is still in the picture, so I take it she isn't. Some dad's just never quite learn how to express love the way they should. I don't try to look at the bad in people. I like to look at the positive. The positive is that you are a part of him, and you are seeing his short comings, and bettering yourself with college. By experiencing this life you will enrich your father side , and not follow in his foot steps knowing how it made you feel. I have always been able to hug and kiss all my kidz even though they are grown with families, and say I love you, and am proud of each one. I aslo cry when I need to. Some men just can't show their emotions. I call them from Texas to Maine every so often, as with 7 it's expensive. The girls usually call every other day. The boys every few weeks. I don't believe you are wrong for feeling hurt, but don't let hurt rule you in doing what's right or wrong! Life is to short to go though holding grudges son. Someday which often comes to soon, you will wake up ,and he will no longer be here with you! And that is a very long time. Regardless as to what we feel and think is wrong of our parents. I thank God everyday my parents were loving, and caring. I never missed a day except the time I was in the Navy that I didn't tell them I loved them. They are both with the Lord now, and I along with my cousin stood by their side as they were dying. My other three brothers chose not to be there all less then 20 min. away. I have no regrets, and hold no grudge with my brothers for their decisions. They just said they could not handle it. The good book says we are to honor our mother and father. I believe that strongly. I know in my heart that he has to proud of you! I know i am because I have a daughter that is going to graduate this year, and my son just went to Texas to go to UTI there. He just graduated High School last June. I am as proud of you, as I am mine, because I would only want the best for you just like I want the best for them. Don't be quick to judge, as there is only one that is worthy and just in doing so. I am a christian, and being so makes you my brother. I can honestly tell you I love you with the love of a brother, and that someone out here is very proud of you and not afraid to say so. It may not be as comforting as your dad saying it, but I assure you I mean it from the heart son. Some times God bring us together this way to meet that need we have. It's called Divine appointment. It isn't by chance or luck. Man will never understand everything because we aren't able to. I don't believe you are childish either! I believe you are looking for a Job Well Done Son, and I will tell you that. Keep up the good work, and be forgiving. Do me a favor! Just call Dad and say I was thinking of you and wanted you to know I LOVE YOU ! I promise you you will feel better, and be a much better man for it. Have a very Happy New Year! I leave this so you can respond if you wish. I enjoy hearing your imput, and will gladly talk anytime I get a chance. Will keep you and your dad in prayer. God Bless and hold you safely in His arms. Steve

Answer 7

it's perfectly normal for you to seek attention from your dad. having his presence in your life fulfills a lot of emotional needs that you as a person-adult or not-has. every parent realizes this when a child is born. it starts with physical dependency, then grows into emotional and even spiritual dependence. eventually you try to be independent, but the need for guidance is still there, even though it's ignored and despised. you shouldn't have to ask for attention anyway. he's your dad. he should dote on you.

i'm so sorry he's like that. but dads are human as well, and they're not perfect. it's good that you give extra effort to keep the relationship with him. but if becomes too painful for you, maybe it's time to stop for a while and try to grow without him in your life. it's gonna be difficult, but it's worse than watching the relationship fade away. try giving him an ultimatum. if he still doesn't show any indication of wanting to be close to you, then you're better of without him.

Answer 8

My inner Ann Landers says, try not to take it personally. Of course he should be more supportive but he may be giving all that he's capable of right now. That's not an excuse but it might lessen the sting of the perceived rejection. He could be suffering from depression or worse. He might be hurt that you chose to be as far away from him as you are. It would be awesome if people would really say what they are thinking so it can be resolved for the good or bad. But it's too hard to be that transparent with anyone, let alone with someone you have that much history and maybe stored resentments with.

Please allow yourself to be open to adopting a family from your church or place of worship or your neighborhood. My wife befriended the widow across the street. She and her husband had lived across the street for years and they let their big scary dog run free in our neighborhood making our kids too frightened to go outside. So we weren't very fond of them for quite a while. When her husband died unexpectedly, my wife reached out to her and they developed a very nice relationship and she was like a grandma to our youngest.

You don't get to choose your parents or siblings but you can choose your own family. Sorry to be corny and preachy but I do hope you get some comfort from these answers people took the time to write to you. God Bless and Happy New Year.

Answer 9

It isn't "wrong" to want your parent to show affection or be in your life somehow. But it may be unrealistic to expect your father to give you that at this point. I'm not saying he is right by his behavior, but it is highly doubtful he is just going to change and become the father that you've always wanted and deserve. Some men just don't live up to the obligations of a father.

Answer 10

No you are not wrong. We always look to our parents for reassurance and support throughout our lives. They were the first to give us guidance and support and we naturally grow to trust and to seek out that same guidance and support even into our advanced years, right up until that fateful day when we are no longer able to. It is natural, normal, and definitely not wrong.