Should I keep my father in my life?

Question

My father was an abuser when I was little. I went to live with my mother when I was 12. I didn't speak to him for 25 years, except for when my grandfather (his dad) past away. I initiated the conversation of course. My father has a habit of holding grudges, rages, and he's still stewing about his and my mother's relationship over 30 years ago. He's currently married to someone who puts up with his crap. But he continues to stew about the past and cannot let it go. I recently reconnected with him, and it went well for a while. Him and my step mother both told me that he can now hear my mother's name, and look at her pictures without getting ragingly mad. So I trusted that. It went alright for a while. Until this Thanksgiving. Some of you may have read my "Thanksgiving blowout" question on this forum. Since Thanksgiving, he is being so juvenile. We talked things out, and we were fine. They forgot to take their gifts home, so I sent it to them. I only put my step mother's name on.......

the package, not meaning anything by it. I just wanted to get the packages mailed out. He took it as though I was still mad at him because I did not include his name on the package. My mother and step father came for Christmas. My step father used my phone (that's just like theirs), and scrolled down my phone's phone book to get to their number so that he can call to get their messages. He pushed the send button on my father's number by accident thinking that he and my mom were listed "Daddy and Mom". But they weren't. They're listed as "Ma and Pa". Well, my step mother answered and they were both corgial (sp?), and he said he was sorry for dialing the wrong number, and politely said good bye. He felt so bad about that knowing that my father would probably be pissed. Well, I emailed my step mother explaining the whole situation, and stressed that it was truly an accident. She emailed back saying that it was fine, and that her and my father weren't mad. I called my father and.....

step mother on Christmas Day. She answered the phone. I talked with her, and I asked her where daddy was, and she said he was sleeping. She usually goes to get him up, but this time she didn't. Well, I talked with her for a little while, and hung up. I got to thinking about this whole thing, and my father never called me back on Christmas Day. I think he's still pissed, and with my step father calling over there by accident really boiled his blood. That's just how he is. I'm so sick of this whole negetivity with my father, and with him being so ragingly mad all the time, and cynical, that I just don't want to put up with it any more.
I know you're suppose to be loyal, and loving to your parents, but isn't there a certain time where you can just say, "SEE YA!". I'm having trouble making my decision of wanting to keep this relationship going, or just chucking it out the window. I just don't need all this aggrevation in my life. It's not healthy. I need some advice please.

Answer 1

Oh, WOW...I SO understand your situation from a personal perspective! The bottom line answer I can give you is this...YES! Keep him in your life....but in order to keep your sanity, deal with him in a different way. I am telling you this because I identify exactly with all you said and what I am about to tell you works for me. God does say to honor your parents and so if we write them off we will feel guilty...and especially when they die, you may never get over the "what ifs". God also says for parents not to provoke their children...parents usually neglect to teach you that. Some people (some parents) never grow up. They are wounded when they are children and never are healed. So, they do not relate to others....especially to their children...very well. So, if you can keep that in mind it helps. I relate to my father like I would to a friend that I can do without on a daily basis but that I would like to keep in touch with. I do not depend on him for emotional support, or advice, or connection with the kids, or for making memories, or to ever talk about the past with. That may sound cold....but it is protection. I do want to keep him in my life...and as long as he can be decent, I write him, call him on the phone, occasionally see him. I have set a boundry with him in a letter which he fully understands although he will not write back and agree to. However he knows what will happen if he crosses that boundry. I told him that I love him but that I will not tolerate him bad mouthing my family, my mother who is deceased, or myself. And that if he does this I will not communicate with him until he can act nicer. I said this in the nicest way possible but firmly. He was quiet for some time but is acting nicer now when he writes or talks. I just consider him wounded and try not to take it personal. He is not one to sit down and work on any of these issues or even talk about them...and I cannot fix them for him. I do pray for him as I know God can fix anyone and anything. I hope this helps you because I know how much pain this can cause your little child heart inside. I say that because as a victim of abuse you are wounded also and that part of you stays a little child until healed. I will pray for you too....that God will heal your wounds that are still being inflicted and help you mature and set boundries for yourself and your family. Please email me if you need to talk to someone. I do care.


† On-call Prayer Warrior †

Answer 2

With so many other excellent answers, for the most part here, all I can say is that it may be time for you to get still and go deeply into your own center. Then ask the question. Whatever you decided to do, whatever your Inner Voice tells you, do it with kindness and respect. If it were me, I would say no. Your father, like my father, has just not yet learned how to get along with other people, to say the least. You are his daughter, and respect (honor) is due, but how respectful or honorable is it for you or for him to allow him to continue to victimize you? Sometimes, letting go, without judgment, can be the most kind, loving, honorable thing to do. If his behavior ever changes in the future, then great; you can both renegotiate. But right now, in the here and now, he just sounds dangerous. What affect has he had on your family? Deep down you know what you must do. Get still, listen for the answer, and then be at peace. Happy New Year, my cyber friend. Email me or IM, if you ever need an ear.

Answer 3

It's natural to want your parents approval, and to want a good relationship with them, but you father is mentally ill. It isn't something that you can help. The relationship is clearly very unhealthy for you. I won't tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would let it go and move on. That sort of thing has happened among various members of my extended family from time to time, there just really isn't anything you can do about someone like that. If he gets therapy, and meds, and seems to be doing ok, and indicates to you that he wants to try again, then you can reassess the situation if it comes up,but in his current state, the only thing that trying to have a relationship with this man is going to do for you, is make you sick in the end. Some things you have to simply give up and let go of, and (if this is appropriate for you) hand it over to God to deal with. At least you have your mom and stepfather for more stable role models to turn to. There are many ways to honor your parents, but I don't think allowing them to abuse you is one of them, you're his daughter, not a doormat. Maybe you can consider getting counseling to help you learn how to deal with him, you can't change him, but you can change your approach to him. Whatever you decide, I am sure you will make the best decision you can for your future, good luck...

Answer 4

Sometimes fathers & mothers do great harm to their children because they know no other way to act. Society says "family is always family, no matter what". God says in the 10 commandments to honor your parents. If your father is abusing you - that does not come from God because God is love. When a parent abuses a child there can be repercussions with that child for the rest of their lives. I don't believe that God would want you to keep a relationship that only keeps hurting you. God would want you to keep only healthy relationships around you, so NO I don't think you "have to" keep the relationship.

Answer 5

Honey, I am married to a man just like your father, My husband can not get by his first marriage,that was awful. they had three children ,I love his Children very much but they have a dare to mention their dead mothers name She died about 5 years after their divorce. with cancer. he rejoiced, over it I lost a lot of respect for him through that. Other than that, he is a great husband,to me. I have tried everything thing I can to get him to let this go. His children go through what you are going through, The calls are coming less and less since they live in another state ,all but the son lives here they have even got into fist fights , But his son loves me as I am his own mother, he knows that I have done all I can do. But these people that are so hate filled, chose to live that way, Since you don't, I would just follow your heart, and I don't think it will lead you wrong. You have your own family now, and since you can't put daddy in the time out. chair, I would not get an ulcer over him.
Let him live in his own little world of hate, Be happy honey.
and a great big HAPPY NEW YEAR to you!

Answer 6

Lady_bel... Someone has to be the bigger person to forgive, just like Jesus forgave us. We don't have to agree with our parents action, but we must honor them as the Bible says. As you said you and he sat and talked. It is up to you to say Dad, I do not expect you to speak bad about my mother, just like I do not expect her to talk badly about you. I love you both, and I will not be forced to choose between you. Your divorce is over and done, and I will no longer listen to you rant on and on about something thats been over with for years. This is the future, and we will live in the future instead of the past. I will continue to stay in touch and love both of you, but if you insist on this way of life. I will only see you and visit for a very short time, as I do not intent doing this all my life. We all make wrong decisions, and we all move on and learn from them. It sounds like you have already set the stage, so now put you foot down and then stick to your guns, even if you only visit 5 min. at a time. Eventually he will get the message. I will keep you and your situation in prayer dear. Good Luck! God Bless!

Answer 7

I can certainly see why you would be stressed about this situation. You have a very forgiving heart and have tried every way possible to reach out to your father in love. It sounds like he is blaming everyone else for his behavior, instead of looking at himself and the mistakes he's made. Until your father accepts responsibility for his own actions, I don't think there's anything else you can do but pray that God will put His love into your father's heart. In the meantime, I will be praying for you, that the Lord give you strength and continue to use you to be an example to your father of what true forgiveness and love is about. God bless you!!!

Lovingly,
Virginia

Answer 8

Your father will never change. He is an abusive, rageful insecure man. You can keep him in your life, but just expect that he will always be childish and immature, and you just have to let him explode, and don't argue with him. Take him in small doses at a time, and don't have many expectations, except that he will blow up over the smallest things. Or, you can permanently say good bye to him, but then you are probably cutting yourself out of his will.

Answer 9

Daddy is not always right. It is time for you to move on. From now on wait for him to call you. If he doesn't it is his problem not yours.

Did you see the Negotiator? If you did, remember when Kevin Spacey kept hanging up on Samuel L. Jackson. Spacey said he would call back and Jackson did. Just use the same logic. Don't call him if he cares he will call you. Other then that don't waste your time.

I know I sound cold. But I feel that is the best way to handle it.

Answer 10

Honey I would try to keep the communication open. I know it is very hard. But with prayer all things are possible. Maybe you could write him a letter and tell him how you feel . That you would like to keep in touch but he has to respect your conditions. I will keep you in my prayers also. God does work miracles. and who knows you might become the best of friends. God Bless and be with you always. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally as does the Lord.