How do you forgive?

Question

I recently found out my uncles were sexually abusive to my aunt (their sister) when she was younger. They've never done anything to me or my children. In fact, they've always been very loving and caring towards me (not in a gross way).

I can't seem to get over the fact that they raped their sister. Many times. It makes me want to cut off all ties with them. Is that the right thing to do? I can't really forgive them, because they didn't really do anything to me. But I can't really forget about this either. It's too big.

How do I handle this?

Answer 1

AGE OLD QUESTION:

YA KNOW, THE ONLY PERSON YOU HURT.... BY NOT FORGIVING IS YOURSELF. WITH THAT SAID, THIS IS NOT EASY BY NO MEANS.... PROBABLY A LIFE LONG ISSUE.

NEVER GAVE THIS MUCH THOUGHT, BUT I HAD TO DIG A BIT DEEPER.... WHAT IS FORGIVENSS. SHOOT, WE HEAR IT ALL THE TIME; RIGHT? BUT WHAT IS IT....

DECIDED TO LOOK THIS UP, DEFINITION.....

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
–verb (used without object)
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.

NO WHERE AM I SEEING FORGET. SO WHOM-EVER THIS IS, YOU WOULDN'T LET YOUR KIDS GO PLAY WITH THEM. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU ARE TO SEE THEM, YOU ARE TO TREAT THEM NO DIFFERENTLY THAN SOMEONE YOU JUST MET IN THE SUPERMARKET WHO DIDN'T DO THESE THINGS.

SO I THINK..... FORGIVENESS IS YOUR ABILITY TO LET GO OF WHAT HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS PERSON, IT'S NOT WITH A SMIRK OR A "I KNOW ABOUT YOU." IT'S YOUR WILLINGNESS TO NOT DO THAT TO THAT PERSON.

I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I TRY NOT TO BIBLE ANYONE ON THIS BUT WITH THE FORGIVENESS ISSUE AT STAKE... LET'S THINK ABOUT THE ONE DAY WE ALL STAND BEFORE GOD. THE ASPECT OF JESUS GRANTS US FORGIVENESS SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS WE ARE FORGIVEN AND GOD IS NOT HOLDING THAT AGAINST US ANY MORE. GOD STILL KNOWS ABOUT IT BUT HE SAYS I'M NOT HOLDING THIS AGAINST YOU.

OR HE'S NOT LOOKING AT YOU DIFFERENTLY OR WITH THAT SMIRK OF THAT "I KNOW ABOUT YOU"

NOW I THINK THIS BOILS DOWN TO A PERSONAL DECISION THAT IS INDIVIDUAL TO EACH ONE OF US.

I'M DEFINITELY NOT BEING SELF-RIGHTEOUS HERE CAUSE I SURE AM NOW THINIKING.... "WHAT IS FORGIVENESS"

Answer 2

I'd talk to them about it. How much investigation has been done here? You can't do anything until you have talked with these uncles personally. You and your family members might have to get some counseling over it, don't make any rash decisions.

Don't assume that something is true just because someone says it is. You were not there. You don't know what happened or did not happen. There are psychological factors in play here. Why did this aunt not report this to the police? Why is this only coming out now? Why is it all of them and not just one of them? Could your aunt have any reason to make this claim falsely?

What you have heard is that your "uncles" did this, not one of them, all of them. That is a serious accusation, and should be approached carefully. There is no statue of limitations on this. If it is true, there could be criminal charges and the truth will come out then.

Talk with your kids carefully, don't spill any beans and not asking them about him by name, question them about certain things and whether or not anything like that has ever happened to them.

Answer 3

Obviously they have big issues. Just not a mentally helathy men and it is horrible what what they done. The thing is that forgiveness does not mean you forget what happened or that you act as nothing happened. Forgiveness means you will not punish yourself for what he has done.

You should definitely cut the ties with them, but first check out the sources where you found out about it. Make sure you always check both sides of the story and make sure the sources is valid. Those could as well be lies

Answer 4

You need to know what they have done as an attempt to accept their responsibility for this and what steps they have taken to provide compensation and also, under what circumstances this took place (was it violent rape or statutory rape) before you can really try and find an answer to this.

If it was violent, they ignore their responsibility and have no care for the continued well being of their sister - do what you can to have them arrested and charged.

If it was statutory rape (in which she may have been compliant) and they have taken great steps to right their wrongs - you might consider a different course of action.

Either way, they need to be shown that you know that this has occurred and that your decision regarding your family is out of their control.

Forgiveness will only come when *you* are satisfied that they have received justice.

Answer 5

Despite what they have done, do not harbor hatred or anger against them. Not for their own sake, but for yours. Once you allow yourself to feel these things, you give the wicked people you describe access to your soul. You give them the ability to control your life, predict your actions, and to hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you are accepting what they did or are condoning it. It doesn't mean you should forget or pretend like it never happened. And it doesn't mean you should be friends with them. It simply means that you are not allowing them to have this power over you.

You should still keep your kids away from them. You should still report them to police if they do this kind of thing again (I think the statute of limitations on the crime you describe has probably run out) to make sure they don't hurt anyone else. And if you feel that severing ties with them is the best for your family, do it.

Just make sure that whatever you do, it isn't done out of anger or hatred of judgment.

Answer 6

You just need to forgive and move on. Forgiveness does not mean that you would open yourself up to more hurt. My mother was similarly abused by her brother and possibly her father she will not tell us. We are dealing with this. Give it time and it will come. It is a confusing dilemma and perhaps they were encouraged by their father or perhaps somehow they did not see it as wrong. That is their failing not yours nor your aunts. Time and patience will help with the healing.
Pax et Bonum,
Debra

Answer 7

Well, all I can say is that people make mistakes. The best you can do is just move on. If you were in their position would you want your family to cut off ties with you for something you did a long time ago?

Answer 8

1. First discuss it out and come to a resolution.
2. If it is true, then stay away from them.
3. Help your sister to recover mentally and make her a strong person.

Answer 9

Very difficult. I commiserate with you.

Remember forgiveness is for YOUR benefit!

And it is frequently HARDER when the offense is against someone you love than yourself.

You can never forget, but you can forgive. Is there a possibility that you can broach the subject with them?
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And I am shocked. I find myself agreeing with "Hisdivineshadow" !

Answer 10

id understand if you won't be able to forgive straight away.. dont force urself.. talk to them about it.. it won't make you forgive them quicker but itll make u feel better, talking to ur uncles about it and how it grosses u out.. and because of that, ur probly have less respect for them.. pour ur heart out to ur uncle.. even if they'd say they're sorry and that theyve regret.. tell them that u need time to heal.. u cant force these things.. they probably didnt have a reason in the first place why they abused ur aunt. so thatll make it even harder for u to understand..

just think that they're still family..it's ok if you give urself time to heal .. 2yrs.. 5 yrs.. 10 yrs.. eventually, itll heal.. as long as u dont close any doors.. but yah, tell ur uncles how u feel.. :) that's the first step.